Children and Verbal Abuse
by Patricia
Evans
What
would it be like if all of us
regarded our children as children of God
--
which we could do, after
all?
-- Alice
Miller
 Many questions surround the issue
of children and verbal abuse.
For example:
* How can I encourage high
self-esteem in my child?
* What do I say to a child who has
experienced verbal abuse from another child or from an adult?
* What do I say to my child when he
[she] calls me names?
* How can my child best handle
verbal abuse from peers?
* What do I say to my child if I
have left a relationship in which I experienced verbal abuse?
* How can I keep myself separate
when I share care of my child with my former spouse?
There are no perfect answers to
these questions. The answers presented here are suggestions -- models of
effective ways to communicate that are meant to assist you in the process of
honoring, respecting, and protecting your child from the emotional and mental
harm of verbal abuse.
Encouraging Your Child's
Self-Esteem
When a parent faces a stressful
situation and their child needs attention, the urgencies of the moment can
invite a hasty response. Even when they have time to think, a parent may
overlook obvious solutions or actions because his or her mind is in
turmoil.
For this reason, it is helpful for
parents to remind themselves of the need to treat their child with goodwill and
respect, even when they feel stressed. When respect becomes the context
for what you say, what you say is more likely to convey respect.
Courses in parenting are given in
most cities, and many books on raising children are available. Sometimes it is
difficult to choose between different philosophies. When you choose books on
parenting and child raising, I believe the most essential criterion is that they
foster respect for the child. If you give your children love and attention, are
empathetic to their feelings, and are honest with them and encourage their
independence, you will, in most cases, see them grow up to be loving, attentive,
empathetic, honest, and independent adults.
Sometimes peer pressure or abuse
from outside the home and so forth can influence the child to act out in
undesirable ways. Don't be quick to blame yourself. You can only do your best.
When in doubt, seek outside help through parenting classes, counselors, and/or
other parents you admire.
Communicating
Confidence
I believe that one of the most
effective ways to impart confidence is to allow the child to meet his or her own
needs as soon as the child shows an ability to do so.
Parents can
say:
* Do you want to try using this
spoon yourself?
* I'll wait while you tie your
shoes.
* Are you ready to make your own
peanut butter sandwich?
* Here is the way to use the
washer.
Communicating
Appreciation
Children respond to appreciation.
They are born good, curious, and spontaneous. Every child has unique talents and
interests.
As a parent, your job is to give
your child the attention he or she needs. Noticing what the child likes --
music, dancing, running, bright colors, quiet times, sports, and so on -- and
introducing and fostering the child's interests, even though they are not your
own, brings forth from the child the child's own unique self.
Following are ways
of expressing appreciation:
* What a beautiful
picture.
* Tell me about the book you like
best.
* It looks like you took extra time
to make that.
* Do you need some extra time to
finish that?
* I really appreciate your being
quiet and waiting until I finished talking.
Communicating Limits
Good communication includes
communicating limits to your child. Children feel safe and cared for when
parents set limits for them. When they become adults, they set their own limits.
They are best able to do this when they learn how during their
childhood.
You can set limits for your child
while still validating his or her feelings. For instance, it is natural for
children to want to stay up past bedtime or to want things they can't have, but
there are limits to their endurance and to the number and kinds of possessions
they can have. You, as the parent, should encourage them to realize this.
For
example:
* I hear you. You want to stay up,
but now it's bedtime for five-year-olds. After you're ready, we'll read a
story.
* I can see that you want to watch
that on TV, but that's not a kids' show. Let's pick out something
else.
* That's not okay.
* When you're screaming I can't hear
you. Let me hear your words.
* Let's talk about it.
* Tell me what you want.
* No, I'm not buying any toys
today.
* I'd like you to have that, too,
but I don't have the money for it.
Communicating
Choices
Whenever possible, children should
be given the opportunity to choose. It takes extra effort on the part of the
parent -- it's easier to say, "You're wearing this, like it or not." But if your
child learns early on that she or he can make choices and take responsibility
for them, your child will be better able to make good choices in life. Following
are some examples of ways that you can present your child with the opportunity
to make choices:
* Do you want corn or
peas?
* Both your white top and your
yellow top look nice with these pants -- which do you want to wear?
* This is the school menu. Do you
want to buy lunch or take your own?
* Is there anything you want to do
this school year, like sports or the photography club?
* Who would you like to invite to
your birthday party?
When Children Hear Verbal
Abuse
Sometimes, even while trying to
protect a child, a parent may lose sight of just how to respect the child's
feelings. For example, a woman wrote, "In the past I had a grandfather who
yelled at me and berated me. My own parents told me to not let Grandpa bother me
-- to just ignore him. I was really happy when he passed away."
In a situation like this, the
child needs to hear, "What he just did [said] is not okay. Come with me while I
tell him." The abuser needs to hear, "What you said to Mary [or John] is not
okay. I really don't want her [him] to hear this kind of talk
again."
If you are abused for speaking up,
take yourself and your child out of harm's way, again acknowledging your child's
feelings ("I know it hurts when he talks mean") and reiterating to your child
the fact that that kind of talk is not okay.
If your child is yelled at or put
down in any way, she or he needs your support. Sometimes a parent may
inadvertently teach a child to put up with abuse. It is sometimes helpful to ask
yourself, "Is there anything in what I've said that minimizes the
abuse?"
If a child is told by a parent,
"She [he] didn't mean that," the child's experience is invalidated and his or
her pain discounted. The abuse is minimized and the child is taught to tolerate
it.
Minimizing abuse is something most
people are taught. To say, "Forget it. He was just having a bad day" may seem
like a way to make the pain go away, but it just leaves the hurt inside. And
it's crazymaking. (Does having a bad day make abuse okay?)
Acknowledging Your Child's
Feelings
When you acknowledge your child's
feelings and respond to verbal abuse, you validate the child's experience. And
you are the all-sympathetic witness. In this way you teach your child
appropriate responses to verbal abuse and help your child to honor his or her
own feelings.
On the other hand, teaching your
child to pretend that words don't hurt (something males especially are taught)
doesn't do anything good for the child. It even makes children doubt
themselves.
Depending on your child's age and
to whom she or he needs to respond, your child needs to learn appropriate
responses to verbal abuse such as those covered in this book. Even an older
child needs emotional support to respond to an adult who verbally abuses. "I'll
stand by you" may be all the child needs to hear.
Children learn to abuse from
adults and from each other. One of the most effective responses a child can make
to a peer who puts him [her] down is to say, "That's what YOU say," with a
strong emphasis on "you."
This response usually startles the
other child and implies "I don't buy it. You said it. You are responsible for
what you say."
Sometimes a child is verbally
abused while visiting a parent after separation or divorce. I recently talked
with a woman whose son would come back from visiting his father appearing very
upset. When asked what was wrong, his standard reply would be, "If I tell you,
even if you say you won't tell, he'll find out." Clearly, this is a serious
problem. The child is suffering and feels too threatened to confide the
incident.
If the parent cannot gain the
child's confidence, outside intervention -- a family friend, relative, or
counselor who could become the child's confidant -- would be of real
value.
This article was excerpted
from:
 The Verbally Abusive
Relationship
by Patricia Evans.
This
article was excerpted with permission from the book "The Verbally Abusive
Relationship", published by Adams Media Corp., Holbrook, MA www.adamsmedia.com
Info/Order this
book
More books by this author.
About The
Author
Patricia Evans is a speaker, consultant, and
founder of the Evans Interpersonal Comunications Institute. She conducts
workshops and professional training throught the country. She can be reached
through her website www.PatriciaEvans.com or at
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