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When my burnout became apparent after being laid off, I was finally able to slow down and realize that I had been selling my soul for unending deadlines and always being the go-to person for everyone else’s needs. In the middle of it, I believed that things would get better after the deadline, after I crossed something off my list, and so on. However, the universe knew that the only way for me to see clearly was to have a long break away from the craziness. -- Laurie Line, Facebook

A friend of mine who is an obstetrician was as clueless as Laurie about why she was so out of sorts. To compound the problem, “Jenna” did what a lot of stressed-out people do: she looked for someone else to blame for her feelings. It must be her husband!

“Steve” could be more attentive when she came home from work and more intimate before bed (and while in it). He could take up more of the slack around the house, too. After all, wasn’t he supposed to be her other half, her soul mate who would make everything right with the world? Obviously, Steve was shirking his marital responsibilities. But her husband wasn’t the problem; it was Jenna’s burnout that was talking, rather than her good heart.

Clueless: Constant Fatigue & Defensiveness

Like many couples, Jenna and Steve had some wrinkles to iron out, but from Steve’s point of view, his wife’s constant fatigue and defensiveness made it hard to be intimate. He felt that she just wasn’t the same energetic, fun-loving woman he’d married. Moody, touchy, and exhausted, Jenna was difficult to be around because she was consistently negative.

The underlying reason for Jenna’s burnout was a double bind — a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind of work situation. She loved being an ob-gyn and had put off having children of her own in order to give other women safe passage through pregnancy and birth. Jenna’s clientele consisted of high-need, high-risk cases — women who were experiencing the stress of infertility as well as those who were at risk of not being able to carry their babies to term.

Miserable: Their Needs vs. My Needs

Jenna loved these women as if they were her own family. She was dedicated to long appointments so that she could inform, reassure, and motivate her patients to do whatever might be necessary to ensure a healthy pregnancy. How could she allot 15 minutes to a woman who’d recently lost a baby at four or five months’ gestation? But as the cost of her malpractice premiums rose, she was forced to schedule more patients for shorter visits just to make ends meet financially. Eventually, the strain of being pulled between taking good care of her patients and attending to her own needs became unbearable.

With the help of her husband and a therapist, Jenna finally made the difficult decision to leave her practice and take six months to rest and reflect on her life. As I write this, she’s nearing the end of her sabbatical and planning to take a part-time job at a Planned Parenthood clinic. She’ll still be able to care for women who need her but without the stress of the high-stakes, high-risk practice she’d been in before.

What’s Going On in Your Life?

If you’re feeling frustrated, aggravated, or disempowered, and if you catch yourself always blaming other people for your problems or complaining about their performance, you need to connect with what is really going on. Is it them, is it a situation that requires a change, or is it you? You need a real time-out to evaluate your life, even if it’s not a six-month sabbatical like Jenna’s.

Taking the time to sort through what you’re feeling is hard to do in familiar surroundings when you’re moving at the speed of light, out of touch with your body and emotions. The ringing phone, ceaseless e-mails, household chores, work issues, and all your relationships are distractions. Fortunately, you can visit what are aptly called “retreat centers” all over the country. Since I often give workshops at such places, I’ve sampled the spectrum from five-star spas to two-star retirement communities for nuns who rent out rooms to the public.

It's Time for a Time-Out

When I lived on the East Coast, and had just left my job at the hospital after being in a head-on collision (which was due to burnout), I went to several weekend retreats at a Benedictine monastery about ten minutes down the road from my house. There was no program; it was simply a place of refuge at a price less costly than feeding myself at home. The accommodations were spartan but clean, and I was alone — no kids, no husband, no business to conduct. Jesus was there, of course — at least in spirit — but he and I did our own thing.

I’m Jewish by birth and spiritual but not religious, yet that retreat was perfect for me. I was free to explore the beautiful trails, and was fed three meals a day. My room was pleasant and a good place to meditate, journal, or just read a mystery novel and relax. Furthermore, I didn’t have to talk to anyone unless I wanted to.

If you search the Internet, you’ll almost surely be able to find a retreat center that fits your budget. Take out your calendar and make those plans now. Otherwise, your busy life will just keep rolling along until you finally crash emotionally or physically . . . or, like I once did, quite literally.

This article was excerpted with permission from the book:

Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive
by Joan Borysenko.

Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Hay House Inc. ©2011. www.hayhouse.com

Click here for more info and/or to order this book.

About the Author

Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., is a Harvard-trained medical scientist, licensed psychologist, and spiritual educator. A New York Times best-selling author and blogger for The Huffington Post, her work has appeared in newspapers ranging from The Washington Post to The Wall Street Journal. A warm and engaging teacher and speaker, she blends cutting-edge science and psychology with a profound and palpable sense of the sacred (and a world-class sense of humor). Founder and director of the SoulCare in HealthCare training program, Joan lives in the mountains of Colorado. You can find out more about her work, watch videos, and read articles at www.joanborysenko.com. You are also welcome to join the lively conversation on Joan’s Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/pages/Boulder-CO/Joan-Borysenko/211406562428.

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