John spoke up in the workshop and said, "I'm scared of sacred sexuality. Last night, I was talking to a woman with whom I've had a sexual relationship in the past. We're just friends now. I tried to express to her my fear of the sacredness of sex, and she didn't seem to understand me at all. I've only experienced what I consider a sacred encounter with another human being, either sexually or non-sexually, a few times in my life."

I asked John what he feared. "Oh... having a real encounter is so very rare. Maybe what's scary is to really connect with someone by looking into their soul. It makes me feel vulnerable, totally exposed. It's like I'm looking into the eyes of God in that fleeting moment. Then I wonder if this God-person really sees into my soul, really knows my essence, will they still like me. I'm afraid they'll judge me for being petty or arrogant, inept or foolish."

I commended John for his vulnerability in expressing his fears. He mentioned that he was on a spiritual path. He felt that he was growing, but it was an awkward time. I wished I could have recommended a magic pill to alleviate his fears. I wanted to tell him that he was choosing to stay stuck in his fears instead of releasing them, but that was too simplistic. John must find the gift in his fear on his own journey. Fear can be our sacred teacher if we confront it and work our way trough it.

Sex: Sacred or Scary?

Once an organization that sponsored my Sacred Sexuality Workshop advertised in their newsletter that I would be presenting a workshop on "Scared" Sexuality. It was amusing, yet a profound Freudian slip of someone's word processor. To most of us, sexuality has been scary far more often than sacred!

How can we normalize sexuality, taking it from scared to sacred? We undertake an individual journey into our Soul, the heroic journey referred to by mythologist, Joseph Campbell. This journey leads us to explore the fearful places where our shadow dwells, the places that we have denied for most of our lives.


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Acknowledging our fears and healing the shame from our past negative conditioning is the first step on this journey. We need to be reassured that we can make it to the other side of our fears. A single father, recently divorced, called to register for a seminar. He said, "You have no idea how scared I am of my sexuality. I waited until the last minute, because I didn't think I could pick up the phone to dial your number. I'm terrified. I think I've lived in denial all of my life."

It takes courage to express our emotions and our fears. Until we acknowledge these emotions, we will remain stuck. Many women are speaking freely about their fears, sharing them to empower themselves and others. Because of societal conditioning, it is an even bigger leap for men to speak out. I applaud the men who are facing their woundedness and walking through their fears. The men's movement is helping my brothers to liberate their hearts. As they share their stories, chant, drum, dance, laugh, and cry together, they open themselves to fully experience their emotions, release their fears, and embrace their wholeness.

Becoming Sexually Open

Much of our sexual history has been heavily influenced by the teachings of the salvation psychology of fundamentalist religions. We are told that we must be saved from ourselves. Our natural state is described as sinful, evil, and separate from God.

A man named Steve was describing his feelings of stuckness. "I feel like I've been comatose all my life. I know I need to change, but I'm afraid." After acknowledging his feelings, my response to Steve was, "If you don't change, you will be a victim of your own history."

One of the saddest comments came from a woman at one of my book signings. While she was looking at my book, I mentioned that it was self-help/psychology in fiction form. "Oh, I'm a Christian", she responded as she dropped my book on the table. "I know better than to get involved in 'self' anything!" As long as we disempower ourselves with these beliefs, we will experience shame, guilt, and fear. Fortunately, many of us have released these toxic beliefs and are healing the woundedness caused by religious abuse.

In my workshops, participants sometimes tell gender-based jokes as a method of diffusing their embarrassment about their sexuality. Laughter often covers up our pain. I ask the group, "What are we perpetuating by joining this laughter?" Refuse to give passive approval to any conversation or experience that dishonors the sacredness of sexuality. Tell people why you are turned off by their jokes or negative sexual comments.

As we move through our fears, we release the myth that we are separate from the creative force of life. A vital aspect of normalizing Sacred Sexuality is desensitizing ourselves to nudity. As long as we are ashamed of our bodies, we will block our experience of ecstasy. One of the most destructive effects of fundamentalist religions is body-negative programming. Although we may no longer believe that our bodies are shameful, many of us still have reaction patterns firmly in place that keep us stuck in shame and fear about our bodies.

A woman related that, even though she knew better, she still felt that her genitals were shameful. She had been programmed with hand-me-down shame by her mother, who was taught by her mother, who was taught by her mother...We will expand our understanding of Sacred Sexuality as we lovingly accept our bodies and release our shame programming about our nakedness. Our clothing is a place where we can hide our shame and guilt. A man at a nudist resort was joking about people who refuse to accept nudity as a natural state. He called them textile types, and laughingly stated, "If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way!"

Divine Sex

Normalizing sacred sexuality involves seeing the Divine in everything. We have been conditioned to think of the sacred as something that is set apart, separate from our daily lives. We have confined sex to the bedroom and sacredness to the church, cathedral, or temple. A hopeful sign of the shift in consciousness is that many churches are willing to sponsor my workshops. Unfortunately, some individuals feel that they are too spiritual to have anything to do with the body. This attitude represents as much denial as fundamentalist religion. It is still body-negative programming. What better place to normalize Sacred Sexuality than in a church sanctuary! As parents receive training in Sacred Sexuality they will teach their children in ways that will stop the cycle of abuse. I believe that children who are taught to respect the sanctity of their bodies will have a strong self-image and be better protected from sexual abuse.

By acknowledging the divine within us, we recognize the divine in others, in all of life. I asked a friend who had recently returned from India what her most profound teaching was. She said that it was the question which her guru had asked her, "Well, Barbara, have you gotten it yet?" "Got what?" she asked.

"The simplicity of it all, that everything is God. The chair upon which you are sitting, my robe, the pitcher of water, the floor, the fly that buzzes around our heads, it's all God! There is no need to complicate your life with searching for God. It is here, everywhere. Just open your eyes, open your awareness, and let the God in everything fill you."

It is time to normalize the sacred so that everything we do is a spiritual experience, from brushing our teeth to washing the dishes, from filling our car with gas to recycling household products, from making love to painting a picture, from seeing the magic in a baby's eyes to changing her diaper. There is no separation between us and God, between us and the sacred, except our minds.

Re-sacralizing our lives means that everything we experience is imbued with sacredness. It means that we accept our sexuality as sacred, an expression of our divine nature. With this attitude we can greet our fellow humans as divine beings, Goddesses and Gods. We recognize the interconnectedness of all life and honor our Mother, the Earth, and all her creatures. When we normalize Sacred Sexuality, we will fully embrace each moment as an opportunity to experience ecstasy.


Recommended book:

The Encyclopedia of Sacred Sexuality: From Aphrodisiacs and Ecstasy to Yoni Worship and Zap-Lam Yoga
by Rufus C. Camphausen.

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