Looking Inside Yourself For Definitive Answers

Incredibly, a lot of marriages are doomed to split up -- in the United States today, approximately half of all marriages end in divorce. That's an amazing statistic. Sadly enough, this shows that people can't hold relationships together -- even if they do, there's more trouble on the horizon. Several studies indicate that a large percentage of men will cheat on their partner at some point.

Women reading this are probably thinking, Oh, those men! What jerks! I can't believe that they cheat on their wives. But hold on a minute -- the same studies indicate that at least 20 to 30 percent of all women in committed relationships will cheat on their husbands. The same research has also cited a huge percentage of people in the U.S. who have said that they're not happy in their current relationship, and given the opportunity, probably wouldn't marry the same person again.

Changing the Old Ways: Out with the Old & In with the New?

So what has happened in our society? You probably heard your parents say, "Back in the good of days, no one ever got divorced." Mom and Dad may have been married for 50 years, and Grandma and Grandpa for 60. It appeared as if they had very happy relationships -- did they know some secret that we don't know now? Did they just stay together even if they hated each other? Or were divorce attorneys simply not as available as they are today?

There could be a lot of different explanations, but I believe the one that makes the most sense is that we move more quickly now. Sometimes both partners have to work many hours a day, almost every day of the week. We've moved away from our roots and our families, and while this leads to more opportunities to meet greater numbers of people, it also leads to more temptations to stray.

It's easy to avoid communicating with someone you love, easy to drift apart, and just as easy to leave or get a quick divorce. We now think, If this doesn't work or it's too much work, I can end it quickly.


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I sincerely hope this isn't the case. I can't fathom that everyone who starts a relationship has a fantasy that they'll probably get divorced and move on to someone else, but regardless of what people think on the way in to a relationship, it's doubtful that they realize that they're already starting out at a disadvantage. They've probably never truly analyzed the strengths, weaknesses, and patterns that they exhibit in intimate relationships.

Is relationship therapy really needed? Why can't most of us just wing it and hope that everything turns out okay? After all, many people find that perfect partner and enjoy a satisfying, healthy relationship.

Before Committing To A Long-Term Relationship...

Looking Inside Yourself For Definitive Answers with Relationship TherapyDid you actually take a relationship course before you started dating or got married? Did you and your partner talk with someone about how you would make your relationship work, even in the difficult times? I highly doubt that you did. If you were lucky, you went to your local church and spoke to a counselor -- maybe you even took a personality test. Before we got married, my wife and I went to our church and took one. We answered all of the questions, and two weeks later, we were told that we were compatible and that we could get married.

We were fortunate -- at least we got to analyze some test results. But most people never even go this far. They don't really scrutinize themselves and their partner before they commit to a long-term relationship. It's not because they're lazy. Most people simply don't think of doing these things before committing. It's not romantic to talk about potential problems with your mate, for it shatters the illusion that "love will find a way."

So couples muddle along, hoping that things will somehow turn out all right, living through all of the fights and arguments, waiting forever for their day in the sun -- which never comes. Maybe they end up sleeping in the same bed night after night, never touching each other. Or perhaps they put all of their energy into the children. Or maybe they just give up and never find true relationship happiness.

I hope this hasn't happened to you. But if you're unhappy with the way things are right now, then have the courage to find a real sense of peace and freedom. Move ahead with the first thing you'll need to accomplish in relationship therapy: It's time to develop the habit of looking inside yourself for some definitive answers.

Therapy Is Not A "Fix Me" Process

I've seen many patients over the years enter therapy and say, "Just fix me!" I have to remind them that this isn't a "fixing" process -- because that would, by necessity, make me impose my own beliefs on them and not allow real growth to occur. Their life choices and patterns have to be based upon something, and this something must be put into context and understood for them to have a chance at better relationships.

There's simply no shortcut. Understanding who you are is a struggle, but it's a battle worth fighting. Doing anything less than this is a disservice to you and those around you.

©2001. Reprinted with permission of the publisher,
Hay House, Inc.  www.hayhouse.com

Article Source

A Relationship For A Lifetime by Kelly E. Johnson, M.D.A Relationship For A Lifetime: Everything You Need To Know To Create A Love That Lasts
by Kelly E. Johnson, M.D.

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About the Author

johnson kellyKelly E. Johnson, M.D., the author of A Relationship for a Lifetime and Relationship Problem Solver, is a nationally recognized psychiatrist and relationship therapist. He has extensive media experience, having appeared regularly on television shows such as The Jenny Jones Show and Montel as their “relationship expert.” Kelly’s radio show has been based in Chicago for the past decade and is geared toward helping people solve their most difficult relationship, health, and emotional problems. In addition to winning many broadcast awards, this show has consistently been rated the number-one radio talk show in the area. Since receiving his degree in psychiatry from Northwestern University, Dr. Johnson has maintained a private consultation practice.