Getting Through the End of a Relationship

The statement that time heals all wounds is such a cliché that even the mention of time as a healer or as a critical dimension of the resolution process may seem either irrelevant or insulting. Neverthe­less, it is patently true that time is a miracle healer. When we are go­ing through a difficult experience, however, we tend to want to rush through it and we often lose patience — the one virtue that could most assist us.

We want an instant resolution. We want deliverance now. We want to get through the feelings without allowing them to go through us. But whenever we try to shorten our emotional pro­cessing of pain, anger, and sadness, we inevitably lengthen it. This is a very hard thing for people to understand. I have seen dozens of people in pain not because their relationships had ended, but be­cause they prolonged their pain by trying to avoid it.

When it comes to the matter of time and its role in the healing process, there are two things you need to remember: (1) Don't rush the process. Be sure to go through all the emotional stages of part­ing. Don't cheat — or you won't arrive at a deeply integrated resolu­tion. (2) Realize that time must pass. Time will make what you have learned become an integrated and important part of you; in time, the pain will be gone. Give yourself time.

Be Kind to Yourself

When we suffer some kind of trauma or assault, we often tend to exacerbate it by making further demands on ourselves or by having totally unrealistic expectations about what we can manage.

For example, if you're afraid of being alone in the house after your husband has left, give yourself permission to get a roommate or to move in with somebody else. There aren't any extra points for being brave — you've already been through a very tough time; now give yourself a break.


innerself subscribe graphic


If you're a woman, perhaps you'd like to change your image: get some new clothes, get that snazzy short haircut. Buy yourself a nice present, some special perfume, sachets for your drawers, some new jogging clothes. Ask your mother to baby-sit so you can go out for a day. If the problem is time, get up half an hour earlier so you can spend some time with yourself.

If you're a man, try buying yourself a new sport coat, a new set of golf clubs, or a bevy of dramatic ties. Schedule a weekly manicure. Subscribe to the Playboy channel or a computer magazine. Go hik­ing. Go sailing. Play tennis. Go on a mini-vacation. Stay in touch with your children. Write them a letter; call them up on the phone. Take yourself and a friend out to a brand new restaurant.

Pain and Emotional Trauma

Getting Through the End of a RelationshipWhen it comes to your children, don't try to be the perfect par­ent. A very important part of what your children need to understand about life is that it includes change, pain, and times of emotional trauma. You won't be able to come through in every single way they'd like. Explain this to them; allow them to enlarge their view of reality.

Beg mercy from friends if you are not able to meet your obliga­tions to them as fully as you'd like. "I'm sorry, Jane, but I just can't keep our lunch date; I need to be alone." If you took on a lot of re­sponsibilities when you were in your relationship and you can't fulfill them now, allow yourself to bow out gracefully.

If you thought your husband was going to support you in your old age and you find that you now have to go to work, don't expect that your house will be as immaculate as when you didn't have a full-time job. Don't expect to have all the free time for your friends that you had before you worked.

If, as a result of paying alimony and child support, you find yourself with a lot less money to spend, you need to realize that perhaps you are no longer in a position to be as generous or carefree with money as you once were. Try to see your present situation as an opportunity to use your resourcefulness and creativity. Develop other parts of your personality or see your belt-tightening as a chal­lenge to create a new financial base.

Be Compassionate with Yourself

In other words, don't be tough on yourself. Do whatever you need to pamper yourself. Give yourself permission to be in transi­tion. Remember that you are going through a highly charged ex­perience for which you have no precedent. It's very important that you be compassionate with yourself. You don't have to know all the answers; you don't have to be a hero in this situation. Respect your fears; remember that you are bruised now and you won't be function­ing with the same degree of reliability that you normally do.

This transition time isn't just a test of your coping mechanisms; it is also an opportunity to come into contact with some of your long-suppressed and most precious attributes as a person. If you are willing to go through the difficult stage of applying these bandages very gently to your wounds, you may come to the end of this time to discover that without your even quite intending it, you have created a whole new identity for yourself.

Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Conari Press,
an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. www.redwheelweiser.com.
©2000, 2012 by Daphne Rose Kingma. All rights reserved.


This article was adapted with permission from the book:

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma.

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma.Coming Apart is a first-aid kit for getting through the ending of a relationship. It is a tool that will enable you to live that experience with your self-esteem intact. For anyone going through the ending of a relationship Daphne Rose Kingma is a caring, sensitive guide.

Click here for more info or to order this book.


About the Author

Daphne Rose KingmaDaphne Rose Kingma is a psychotherapist, lecturer, and workshop leader. She is an author, speaker, teacher and healer of the human heart. The bestselling author of Coming Apart and many other books on love and relationships, Daphne has been a frequent guest on Oprah. Dubbed "The Love Doctor” by the San Francisco Chronicle, her extraordinary gift for sifting out the core emotional issues in any life situation has also earned her the affectionate title “The Einstein of Emotions.” Her books have sold more than a million copies and been translated into 15 languages. Visit her website at www.daphnekingma.com