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Editor's Note: Above video is a short 3:54 minute recap of the article. Audio below is of the full original article.
In This Article:
- The four essential rules for effective communication.
- How common communication pitfalls damage relationships.
- Why is kindness key in verbal exchanges?
- How can listening deeply transform connections?
- Practices that can foster clarity and love in communication.
To Have Good Relationships, Avoid These Four Bad Habits
by Jude Bijou
After forty (gasp) years in private psychotherapy practice and decades of studying and teaching, I've found all good communication boils down to just four simple rules. Whether it's with our spouse, our kids or our boss, mastering these concepts will have us communicating with anyone about any topic, effectively and lovingly.
While this subject matter may not be new to many of you, I believe we can never be reminded of these “rules” enough. They are simple but not easy.
Four Bad Communnication Habits
There are also four main violations that create misunderstandings (as well as the ensuing hurt and confusion). We don't have to look very far to find them. They are in virtually every setting and cause communication breakdowns and distance.
Recognizing these four bad communication habits will help us avoid the alienation we often experience when interacting with others, especially at emotionally-charged times. Using them is like throwing gasoline on the bar-b-que.
Knowing the communication rules and violations doesn't make for stilted conversations. Being aware of them gives us a choice about whether we want create closeness with our words or not. By abiding by the four Rules we honor ourselves and others with every exchange and increases the probability of finding connection and common ground.
The Four Communication Rules
1. The first rule: Talk about yourself.
This is our true domain. Our job is to share what we feel, think, want, and need. Doing so brings closeness, as we reveal information about ourselves. It can be scary and definitely takes some practice to figure out what is really going on inside. We have become very used to being in other people's business. But it's not too difficult if we pause for a minute and ask ourselves "What's true for me about the specific topic at hand?"
Instead of staying in our own lane, we have a tendency to "you" others. That means we tell the other person about themselves -- what they should do, how they should be, and how they were; all under the guise of being helpful. When we "you" another person we're out of own back yard. We give unsolicited advice and make negative observations.
A likely knee-jerk reaction is to: blame, resort to sarcasm or criticism, tease, and attack. The potential result is, that if we aren't ready for or don't want feedback, it immediately inspires defensiveness and falls on deaf ears.
These "you-ing" strategies are guaranteed to create separation and alienation. The recipient feels hurt, misunderstood, and angry, but walls him or herself off against the pain and insult.
For example, instead of saying "You're late. Obviously you don't value my time." Say "I was worried when you didn't arrive at 5:00pm, especially since we agreed to text or call when we're held up. I'd appreciate it if you would do that in the future so I don't feel so anxious."
2. The second rule: Stay specific and concrete
That's what we do with music, architecture, engineering, cooking, math, physics, and computers; and what we must do when communicating. When we stay specific, others can understand what we're saying - the topic, the request, the reasons. It means we must deal with one topic at a time.
Staying focused on one subject brings peace as we can understand each others' position and begin to find some common ground from that space. It means we stick with talking about the present situation rather than dragging in the past or projecting into the implications on the future.
Rather than saying, "You always embarrass me in front of your friends. You make fun of my cooking, belittle my knowledge of football, and treat me like I'm the maid." Say "I felt hurt and humiliated at the party last night. I spent a lot of time creating a nice environment for everyone to watch the game and I'd like to be appreciated for my efforts.”
We often overgeneralize, bringing up the past and speculating about the future, instead of sticking to the specific topic at hand and dealing with the present. Overgeneralizing can take the form of sweeping conclusions, abstractions, and labels, and using words like "always" and "never."
The tendency to bring in other topics barely related to the subject at hand, and not letting go of situations does not solve the issue at hand. Lumping topics together is confusing and makes it difficult to understand what's really going on and what the upset is truly about. Resorting to vague generalities and multiple topics creates distracting noise and can overwhelm all parties concerned. Overgeneralizing kills clear communication and will not address the current situation.
3. Third Rule: Kindness
Kindness manifests in a lot of ways, such as acts of compassion, helpfulness, empathy, forgiveness, and caring. These gestures kindle and ignite feelings of love in both the recipients and ourselves. For maximum effect, kindness must be offered without expecting something in return, except for you to feel more love and connection. Kindness is not a business transaction.
There are four verbal kindnesses to heap on yourself and others:
1. Positivity
2. Praise
3. Appreciations
4. Gratitutdes
The opposite of kindness is being unkind. It manifests in words, thoughts, or actions. It could be expressed as negativity, criticism, being judgmental, or blaming. In terms of actions, we’re mean, inconsiderate, rude, or put ourselves ahead of behaving in ways that will increase feelings of love.
Focusing on what's not working or on what we don't like, throws a wrench in furthering the conversation. It produces anger and feelings of separation in the recipient.
4. The Fourth Rule is simply to listen
That means seeking to truly understand what someone is saying and encouraging their speech. Almost no one feels listened to enough! Listening is a practice that brings closeness.
The best way to show you're listening is to close your mouth, shut out background noise, and give the other person undivided attention with a smile or at least a positive expression. Full attention when someone else is speaking also means you're not already gearing up for an opportunity to counter with your own opinions or solutions.
To encourage a “shy” or withdrawn person to talk, lovingly say, " Tell me more" or " More details please." That means not filling the silence with your own words.
The Fourth Violation is not listening. We know how that feels. Not good. Interruptions, debates, and wise-cracks don't truly acknowledge the speaker but instead further our own agenda and need for attention.
If you tend to interrupt or dominate every conversation, slap some imaginary duct tape on your mouth when someone else is speaking. Hogging the airtime or not paying attention to another person who's speaking will produce anger in others.
When you don't listen to someone, you're failing to acknowledge that person as an equal. And that's never going to inspire good feelings. The other person perceives it as a violation and may respond accordingly.
Listening well, on the other hand, promotes love. It's a form of selfless giving and an invitation to connect.
Just because you understand a person's position doesn't automatically mean you agree with it. For love to flourish, you must fully accept that the other people's viewpoints and needs are as valid as yours. This seems to be challenging for many who have developed strong opinions about everything from politics to mothering techniques. Earnestly listening to people makes them feel comfortable and safe.
As needed, support yourself mentally when listening and silently repeat such phrases as: Your viewpoints and needs are as valid as mine. Or when they're talking about you rather than themselves, think: They are "you-ing" me, and what they're saying says nothing about me.
A Summary
The four rules of communication bring loving, effective communication and feelings of connection. It brings us back to our heart and lets our love shine through. Remember: share your own experience, use specifics, stick to kindness, and listen. These rules are very simple (but not easy). However, the rewards of living by them are infinite and supremely satisfying.
©2024 by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.
All Rights Reserved.
Book by this Author: Attitude Reconstruction
Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life
by Jude Bijou, M.A., M.F.T.
With practical tools and real-life examples, this book can help you stop settling for sadness, anger, and fear, and infuse your life with joy, love, and peace.
Jude Bijou's comprehensive blueprint will teach you to: cope with family members' unsolicited advice, cure indecision with your intuition, deal with fear by expressing it physically, create closeness by truly talking and listening, improve your social life, increase staff morale in just five minutes a day, handle sarcasm by visualizing it flying by, carve out more time for yourself by clarifying your priorities, ask for a raise and get it, stop fighting via two easy steps, cure kids' tantrums constructively. You can integrate Attitude Reconstruction into your daily routine, regardless of your spiritual path, cultural background, age, or education.
For more info and/or to order this book, click here. Also available as a Kindle edition.
About the Author
Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT), an educator in Santa Barbara, California and the author of Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life.
In 1982, Jude launched a private psychotherapy practice and started working with individuals, couples, and groups. She also began teaching communication courses through Santa Barbara City College Adult Education.
Visit her website at AttitudeReconstruction.com/
Article Recap:
This article introduces four essential communication rules to foster understanding, love, and connection. It emphasizes sharing personal experiences, staying specific, practicing kindness, and truly listening. By avoiding common pitfalls such as overgeneralization, negativity, and failing to listen, relationships can thrive. These practices are simple yet powerful tools to improve communication and build stronger, more loving connections in all areas of life.
