Why Do Opposites Repel or at Other Times Attract?

The people in our lives who make us uncomfortable, who annoy us, who we feel judgmental or even combative toward, reflect parts of ourselves that we reject -- usually aspects of our disowned selves, the shadow side of our personality. If you are a gentle, soft-spoken person, you may be very irritated by a person who seems loud and pushy. Or if you are a direct, outspoken person you may feel uncomfortable with those who hold back and seem overly timid. The fact is that in both cases you are mirroring each other's disowned energies. The quiet person is being shown their undeveloped assertive side, and the aggressive person is being shown their undeveloped reflective side.

Oftentimes we find ourselves attracted to our opposites -- people who have developed opposite qualities from the ones we most identify with. In these relationships, we are unconsciously seeking to become whole, and drawn to people who express those energies that are undeveloped in our own personalities. On some level, we recognize that they have the potential to help us become more balanced.

Our Most Powerful Teachers!

People who express our opposite aspects can be our most powerful teachers if we allow them to be. But first we must acknowledge that they express what we need to develop in ourselves. Early in a relationship, we often sense that the other person is bringing us exactly what we need. It is, in fact, their differentness that is so attractive to us. However, unless we are able to acknowledge that this person is offering us a reflection of something we need to see in ourselves, the differentness that drew us to them can become a major source of conflict. After a while, we may begin to resent them for the ways they are different and begin trying to change them to be more like us!

Of course, it's important in any relationship to learn constructive ways to communicate honestly about our needs, our likes and dislikes, and so forth. However, along with letting the other person know our feelings, including ways we might wish they would change, we need to remind ourselves that we brought them into our lives to teach and inspire us to develop new aspects of ourselves. Our challenge, then, is to be open to discovering the parts of ourselves that they mirror for us, and to learn how we can express those parts of ourselves more in our own lives.

What Are People Reflecting?

Why Do Opposites Repel or at Other Times Attract?Difficulties we are having in our relationships often mirror parts of ourselves that we need to heal. Such difficulties may involve a family member, a close friend, a coworker, or even people with whom we have only a brief encounter, such as a clerk in a store.


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If you are having difficulty with a present relationship, or if you frequently encounter certain kinds of difficult people -- for example, a needy person or a person who doesn't respect your boundaries -- take a moment to look closely at what they are reflecting.

Begin by closing your eyes and relaxing for a few moments. Then bring to mind a difficult relationship. Think about what, exactly, bothers you about this person. What quality or trait does this person have that makes you uncomfortable or that you judge?

Once you have identified the quality or qualities that bother you, ask yourself what the positive aspect or essence of that quality might be. For example, if you see them as lazy, what could be the positive aspect of laziness? It could be the ability to relax.

Ask yourself how it might benefit you to develop a bit more of that quality in yourself. Could it help you find more balance in your life? If you are judging someone as lazy, for example, chances are you are a very active, driven type of person who could benefit from developing a greater ability to relax. This person is a mirror, reflecting the disowned quality of relaxation to you, so that you can become more aware of what you need to develop.

Here are some other examples: If you find someone too needy, they may be reflecting the disowned part of you that has emotional needs. You may be too identified with strength and self-sufficiency and need to get more in touch with your vulnerability. If you find someone too domineering, perhaps you are overly timid and need to develop more assertiveness. If you judge someone as selfish, it's possible that you are too giving.

Discovering Essential Qualities

Remember that you don't need to become like this person. They may be too far to the extreme or expressing themselves in a distorted way. However, you can use the discomfort of this relationship to help you discover the essential qualities you need to develop in order to feel more whole and fulfilled.

Once you have identified what quality this person is reflecting to you, imagine yourself having integrated more of that quality in yourself. Imagine yourself more able to relax, for example, or more able to show your vulnerability in close relationships, or more assertive, or more able to receive.

©2000. Reprinted with permission from New World Library,
Novato, CA, USA, 94949. www.newworldlibrary.com


This article is excerpted from the book:

The Path of Transformation: How Healing Ourselves Can Change the World
by Shakti Gawain.

The Path of Transformation by Shakti Gawain.Most people face challenging personal issues - in jobs, relationships, finances, and health. Shakti Gawain shares the ideas and perspectives that have been the most helpful to her; guides readers in healing physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wounds; provides tools for dealing with difficult situations; and proposes that the solutions to personal and planetary crises are within each human being.

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About The Author

Shakti GawainSHAKTI GAWAIN is an internationally renowned leader in the human potential movement. Her many bestselling books, including Creative Visualization, Living in the Light, and Creating True Prosperity, have sold more than six million copies in thirty languages world. She leads workshops internationally and has facilitated thousands of individuals in developing greater balance and wholeness in their lives. For more info, visit her website at http://www.shaktigawain.com.

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