I remember feeling unloved, under-appreciated, ignored, and lonely. Lonelier than I ever thought imaginable.
I think the feelings were heightened because I wasn't supposed to be feeling them. I was married. These types of feelings aren't typically used to describe a marriage -- not a good one anyway.
I didn't get married because I had to. I married because I thought that was the next obvious step in my relationship. I thought marriage would seal a love that would last forever. I figured I'd never be ignored, disrespected, or feel lonely.
I viewed marriage like it was some kind of guarantee that I would always be loved. I'm not sure why I really thought this. I grew up with two parents that fought faithfully. I knew that people committed adultery and divorced one another like it was a fad. I thought mine would be different. I thought wrong.
I never contributed my unhappiness to being lonely until my divorce. I remember having a conversation with my ex-husband where he was trying to convince me that I couldn't make it without him and that I needed his love.
I told him that if I remained alone the rest of my life I would never be as lonely as I was while married to him. He just stood in place frozen by my words. Ironically I wasn't saying it to hurt him -- I meant it.
I never want to feel that kind of loneliness again. Sure I have days where I miss having someone in my everyday life to share intimacy, love, and companionship with. Crawling into an empty bed after a day of doing battle can be lonely. I crave the feeling of a man's arms wrapped around me or having someone say, "I love you" and it holding a special meaning than when they say it to others.
I miss having someone to take care of and being taken care of in return.
I miss what I discover and enjoy about myself when I have someone in my life.
I miss the silly moments shared when you let your hair down and can truly be yourself and they still want you.
I miss what I never had.
I guess that's why I felt lonely in my marriage. I think it comes down to expectations. While I was married I expected to feel loved, respected, and cherished. But being alone I don't have those expectations, so I neither feel lonely or frustrated.
I'm trying to look at this new beginning in my life as exciting and really get to know who I am and how I can be comfortable with my own company.
It's helped me to examine all areas of my life so that I can regain my balance.
I believe that what's in front of us is not nearly as important as what's within us -- and what's within me isn't loneliness anymore.
Related book:
The Power of Miracles: True Stories of God's Presence
by Joan Wester Anderson.
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About The Author
Tracie Ann Robinson is a woman on a mission of self discovery. She was recently divorced having been married her whole adult life (at the time this article was written she was 31). She is a professional woman and writes part-time with the goal of sharing her relationship experience and insights. She has written several other articles for InnerSelf Magazine. She can be reached at:
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