Complaining Properly: The First Step of a Two-Step Process

Complaining Properly!!! It's The First Step of a Two-Step Process

Complain? Don't we all? Of course we do, yet do we know how to complain properly? Is there such a thing as complaining properly? Isn't complaining just a "negative" thing? Or is it a necessary way of venting our frustrations?

First let's look at what complaining is. Our trusty Webster has these two definitions of the word complain: 

1) To express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment and; 
2) To make a formal accusation. 

OK, so when we complain, we're saying that we don't like the way something is. That's a good beginning, since before we can find a solution to anything, we must be aware that there is a problem, or something that needs to change. So complaining -- becoming aware that there is something we would like to change, something we are dissatisfied with -- is the first step in making any changes.

What Comes Next?

But that's where we often get stuck. Rather than move on to the finding of a solution, we remain in the complaining mode. Just think about it... We do it in our feelings towards ourselves, our mates,  our co-workers, boss, children, etc. etc. We complain, we badger, we moan and groan. We go on and on (and on) about the problem... about what's wrong... about what we dislike... But we sometimes forget to move on to the next step -- the one where we take action and make changes.

A lot of us complain about our job... we don't like it, we're underpaid, under-appreciated, over-worked, etc. etc. Or we complain about our health -- we're over-weight, under-energized, tired, sick, have allergies, etc. etc. Or we complain about our mate and children... our neighbors... our politicians...

Ah, yes, there is so much to complain about... Which can be seen in a positive light. It means there's a lot of places where we can have some effect... A lot of areas where we can make a difference. Except for one thing... We've been stuck in mode one: Identifying the problem (complaining).

It Takes Two to Tango...

Somehow, we're convinced that complaining, all by itself, will make a difference. Now, tell me, those of you who have teenagers, how many times does complaining that their room is messy make a difference? (I remember it didn't make a difference when I was a teenager... at least not a positive difference.)

In any situation in life, how many times does complaining ever make a difference? On its own, probably not too often. However, when we follow up the complaining (or better yet, skip the complaining because we've already been there, done that) by starting to look at resolutions, solutions, ways to "fix" the problem, then we're getting somewhere.

We Have the Power to Change

We are not powerless. As a matter of fact we are very powerful beings, but we had forgotten that. Our power lies in the fact that we can change things in our life, in our environment, in our behavior, in our thoughts. Our weakness is that for too long we have focused on the problems and not enough on the solutions. Ooops, I'm doing it myself right now... OK, next step: we've identified complaining as an incomplete solution to any problem... so where do we go from there?

Let's look again about the things I mentioned earlier that we complain about. OK. The easiest ones to change are the ones that only affect ourselves. So let's look first at our health. So you complain about being overweight and under-energized, tired, sick, etc. Well, we all know that there are many solutions to those problems.

 Get The Latest By Email

Weekly Magazine Daily Inspiration

We can no longer blame our health "on the gods". We know that we can affect those health challenges simply by starting with proper diet and fluid intake (skipping the sugar drinks), exercise, fresh air, and a positive attitude (willingness to do something about it). 

What Can I Do About This?

So anytime you find yourself complaining about not feeling well, or being tired, ask yourself: What can I do about this? How can I take charge of my life so that I don't feel this way? The great thing is that we always know what to do -- we simply need to ask the question of our Self, and then follow through on the insight and suggestions.

I was speaking with someone the other day who hasn't been feeling well. When I suggested that they see a health practitioner to see what the problem was... my friend said that he knew what he needed to do, he just needed to do it -- he knew he needed to eat better, exercise, quit smoking, etc. etc..

In most cases, we know what we need to do to remedy the situation about which we complain: Take charge of our life. If it's work we complain about, there again, we need to take a hard look and see what it is we need to change. Maybe it is time for you to move on to another job, or maybe you need to stand up and ask for a raise. Yet, sometimes it's as simple as changing our attitude -- from one of constant complaining, to one of looking for solutions. And the solution is usually found in changing ourselves -- not in trying to change "the other". 

Is It That Important? And Why Does It Aggravate Me So Much?

I know that it's always easier to complain and blame someone else (haven't we all done it?) than to admit that we are the ones who need to change. If one of your co-workers aggravates you "to no end", of course one solution is to quit your job, but then, the next job may have someone else who aggravates you even more. The solution probably lies in looking at what really aggravates you and asking yourself two things: Is it that important? and Why does it aggravate me so much?

Answering these two questions truthfully will greatly alleviate the pressure. The idea is to search for things you can do... whether it is in changing your attitude, your expectations, your actions, your thoughts, your job, your whatever... This is not about blame and condemnation -- either of yourself or the other persons involved. No one can "make you" happy but yourself. Think about it: if you've decided to be miserable, no one can make you happy -- unless you decide you no longer want to be miserable and choose happiness instead. 

If you've decided that someone's behavior bothers you, then it will. So why not decide that you can handle it? And then see what can be done? We can't control the actions of others. However, since our own actions and thoughts are in our own jurisdiction, that's where we can make a difference. Sometimes, the interaction with the other person can be minimized so that you have less opportunities to be aggravated...

What To Do?

When you hear yourself complaining, the questions to ask are: What can I do about this situation? What can I change about myself to alleviate the problem?

Sometimes it's as simple as accepting that your co-worker (or whoever) is the way they are, and choosing to "live with it".

Then, the next step is to see what can be done in the external world as well, keeping in mind, that everyone has the right to their "space", their way of living, their way of being. Sometimes, the best way to "change someone else" is by being an example... The dictum goes: Change yourself, and the world will change with you.

So complain yes, but once only, not on and on and on. Complaining only adds more fuel to the fire... Complain so that you identify the thing that needs changing, and then do something about it.

If we want to extinguish the fire, we need to take action, not just sit there and complain... We need to move on to step two: What can I do about it so that I can be at peace with this situation? What do I need to do in order to: 1) learn to accept, and 2) make a difference. 

A good thing to remember:

The Serenity Prayer

Lord grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the Courage to change the things I can;
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Amen to that!

Related Book:

A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted
by Will Bowen.

A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted by Will Bowen.Full of practical ideas and inspiring stories from people who have already transformed their lives, A Complaint Free World will teach you how to not only stop complaining but to also become more positive and have the life you’ve always dreamed of having.

For More Info or to Order This Book. Also available as a Kindle edition.

About The Author

Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.

Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on

Related Books

at InnerSelf Market and Amazon


More Articles By This Author

You May Also Like

follow InnerSelf on

facebook icontwitter iconyoutube iconinstagram iconpintrest iconrss icon

 Get The Latest By Email

Weekly Magazine Daily Inspiration




Lunar eclipse, May 12, 2022
Astrological Overview and Horoscope: May 23 - 29, 2022
by Pam Younghans
This weekly astrological journal is based on planetary influences, and offers perspectives and…
05 21 rewilding the imagination in dangerous times 5362430 1920
Rewilding the Imagination in Dangerous Times
by Natureza Gabriel Kram
In a world that often seems intent on destroying itself, I find myself curating beauty -- the kind…
group of multi-racial individuals standing for a group photo
Seven Ways You Can Show Respect to Your Diverse Team (Video)
by Kelly McDonald
Respect is profoundly meaningful, but costs nothing to give. Here are ways you can demonstrate (and…
elephant walking in front of a setting sun
Astrological Overview and Horoscope: May 16 - 22, 2022
by Pam Younghans
This weekly astrological journal is based on planetary influences, and offers perspectives and…
photo of Leo Buscaglia from cover of his book: Living, Loving and Learning
How to Change Someone's Life in a Few Seconds
by Joyce Vissell
My life was changed dramatically when someone took that second to point out my beauty.
a composite photograph of a total lunar eclipse
Astrological Overview and Horoscope: May 9 - 15, 2022
by Pam Younghans
This weekly astrological journal is based on planetary influences, and offers perspectives and…
05 08 developing compassionate thinking 2593344 completed
Developing Compassionate Thinking Towards Self and Others
by Marie T. Russell,
When people speak of compassion, they mostly are referring to having compassion for others... for…
a man writing a letter
Writing the Truth and Allowing the Emotions to Flow
by Barbara Berger
Writing things down is a good way to practice truth telling.
The Blessing of Differences
The Blessing of Differences in Relationships
by Joyce Vissell
Difference exist only on the surface. People sometimes use their differences as an excuse for their…
Business for Lovers and Authentic Communicators
Business for Lovers and Authentic Communicators
by Alan Cohen
I invite you to extend your circle of authentic conversations to include not just lovers, but…
Many People Are Receiving Signs from Spirit! Why Not You?
Five Spiritual Tips To Help You Be More Connected to the Spirit World
by Bill Philipps
I believe all people have some psychic intuition — more than most know they have — that can be…


finding what you are looking for 5 25
Use Horary Astrology to Find What You Lost
by Alphee Lavoie
There has always been a lot of controversy among astrologers as to what time (and even location) to…
rebuilding environment 4 14
How Native Birds Are Returning To New Zealand’s Restored Urban Forests
by Elizabeth Elliot Noe, Lincoln University et al
Urbanisation, and the destruction of habitat it entails, is a major threat to native bird…
how much sleep you need 4 7
How Much Sleep You Really Need
by Barbara Jacquelyn Sahakian, University of Cambridge, et al
Most of us struggle to think well after a poor night’s sleep – feeling foggy and failing to perform…
The Story Of Suffering And Death Behind Ireland’s Abortion Ban And Subsequent Legalization
The Story Of Suffering And Death Behind Ireland’s Abortion Ban And Subsequent Legalization
by Gretchen E. Ely, University of Tennessee
If the U.S. Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade, the 1973 decision that legalized abortion in the…
trusting societies are happy 4 14
Why Trusting Societies Are Overall Happier
by enjamin Radcliff, University of Notre Dame
Human beings are social animals. This means, almost as a matter of logical necessity, that humans’…
benefits of lemmon water 4 14
Will Lemon Water Detox Or Energize You?
by Evangeline Mantzioris, University of South Australia
If you believe anecdotes online, drinking lukewarm water with a splash of lemon juice is…
group of multi-racial individuals standing for a group photo
Seven Ways You Can Show Respect to Your Diverse Team (Video)
by Kelly McDonald
Respect is profoundly meaningful, but costs nothing to give. Here are ways you can demonstrate (and…
economy 4 14
5 Things That Economists Know, But Sound Wrong To Most Other People
by Renaud Foucart, Lancaster University
A curious thing about our profession is that when we academic economists largely agree with each…

New Attitudes - New Possibilities | | | InnerSelf Market
Copyright ©1985 - 2021 InnerSelf Publications. All Rights Reserved.