Is It Ever Too Late for Forgiveness or Gratitude?

The pain from the past that people experience often follows them to their deaths. I had been visiting Vince weekly for five months, and every week he began by telling me about his distaste for his brother, whom he hadn’t spoken to in twenty years.

His animosity had to do with a birthday party his brother had decided not to attend. It was Vince’s fiftieth birthday, and the entire family had decided to have a huge celebration. A hall was secured, a band was hired, and an expensive caterer was selected. Everyone came except Vince’s brother, who offered a “lame” excuse, according to Vince.

Forgiving Even (and Especially) When It Hurts

Over the years, Vince’s brother had made many attempts to reconcile, but Vince had remained adamant that the insult was too great to forgive. Eventually, Vince’s brother had stopped offering apologies, since the rebuffs were always painful. As Vince grew closer to dying, he realized that he had lost twenty years of friendship with his brother because of an “unforgivable affront” that now seemed meaningless.

Vince’s wife understood the pain her husband was experiencing and spent weeks convincing him to forgive his brother. With great trepidation, Vince called him and, during the ensuing conversation, was able to forgive him. It was a turning point in Vince’s preparation for dying.

Asking for Forgiveness: Now or Later?

Is It Ever Too Late for Forgiveness or Gratitude?Imagine knowing you did something that caused great pain to someone. Something that has haunted you your entire life. With effort, you were able to repress it, sometimes for years. But now, when you know you have little time left, it pops up like the mole in a carnival game: even if you can force the mole back into its hole, it just comes back up. Your loved one may wrestle with something like this that she feels can’t be forgiven.


innerself subscribe graphic


Twenty years before I met my patient Jean, she had abandoned her children and husband when her daughters were teenagers. Now, dying of emphysema, the only thing she wanted was her daughters’ forgiveness. But even though they knew she was dying, they refused to see or talk to her.

I suggested we write a forgiveness letter. Jean agreed on the condition that “they get it after I die.” For three weeks, she dictated and I wrote. After many starts and stops, and numerous crumpled sheets of paper, we finally had something she felt good about. All her hard work was contained in two sentences: “Please forgive me. I’ve always loved you.” It was enough to give her some peace before she died.

Although it would have been better had her daughters come to her side to forgive her, what is ideal isn’t always possible. If your loved one doesn’t have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness directly from the person she believes she hurt, help her write a letter, or audio- or videotape her message.

The Importance of Giving and Accepting Thanks

The dying have a need to thank those who have been important in their lives and in their dying. The usual responses to expressions of gratitude — “It was nothing” or “I enjoyed doing it” or “You don’t need to thank me” — are socially appropriate in most situations. In our humbleness, we don’t want to make more out of something than is necessary, especially if it took little effort on our part.

But gratitude from someone who knows she is dying is so heartfelt that it needs to be accepted with graciousness and an understanding of what it means to the dying person. Thanks given to someone who has made that person’s life wonderful, complete, or loving is not to be taken lightly. Understand that the dying person is telling you that you have been a central figure in her life, and that, without you, her life would have been less meaningful.

Thanking a dying loved one is just as profound. By thanking her for what she has done for you and others, you’re saying she made a difference. A sense of satisfaction and peacefulness arises in a dying person when she can say, “I’ve done good. I’ve made a difference not only in what I have accomplished but also in what will continue on after I die.”

*subtitles by InnerSelf

Copyright © 2012 by Stan Goldberg.
Reprinted with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. 
www.newworldlibrary.com or 800/972-6657 ext. 52.

Article Source

Leaning Into Sharp Points by Stan Goldberg. Leaning Into Sharp Points: practical guidance and nurturing support for caregivers
by Stan Goldberg.

Click here for more info and/or to order this book.

About the Author

Stan Goldberg, author of: Leaning Into Sharp Points.Stan Goldberg, PhD, has been a hospice volunteer and caregiver for many years. He has served more than four hundred patients and their loved ones at four different hospices, and was both a trainer and consultant. His previous book, Lessons for the Living, won the London Book Festival’s Grand Prize in 2009. He is a private therapist, clinical researcher, and former San Francisco State University professor. His website is stangoldbergwriter.com.