The Sexual Surrogate

In modern Western societies the messages about sex are extremely contradictory and confusing. We have no traditional rites of passage nor meaningful ceremonies to initiate young people into informed adult sexuality. I hoped that my work might establish standards that could help people of all ages have less confusion about sex and intimate relationships.

Much to my professional satisfaction, there were several enlightened parents who paid for a full course of sexual surrogate assisted therapy so that their sons could be initiated into the wonders of their own sexuality. How lucky to have subsequently been those young men's girlfriends or wives! I often wished that parents would take that same enlightened view toward sexual initiation for their daughters, but it was not yet the time for that. I predict, however, that this day will eventually come.

Until recently, the message was very strong that sex should be limited to marriage and monogamy. Yet everyone knows this standard is continuously being broken. But more often than not, it is broken in secrecy and with guilt. Our standards are very hypocritical. What we say and what we do just don't jibe.

Mixed Messages

We are led to believe through the incessant references to sex in the media that we live in a society that condones open sexuality, but when examined more closely, most of what is shown on TV, in the movies, or in print is labeled "X-rated" or "for adults only," which implies that the sexual activities depicted are really not OK. And, although sexual innuendo sells everything from baby lotion to trucks, the link between sex and violence is more prevalent than the seductive soft sell.

The number of children sexually abused, the number of teenage pregnancies, the spread of Aids, the high incidence of rape, and the millions of people who are unhappy in their sex lives shows that in our supposedly open and free culture things have really gotten out of hand. The authorities who shape our attitudes toward Sex attempt to make us believe that these problems are caused by too much openness toward sexuality. Just the opposite is true. It is the unwarranted sexual repression that causes sexual exploitation and aberrant behavior. Both the stifling of sexuality and the inevitable rebellion against prudery and ignorance is what puts us at the mercy of our sexual urges rather than being personally in charge of our sexuality.

Using the argument that sex is natural and therefore need not be discussed and taught in the schools, on TV, or in sexual surrogate assisted therapy is most often just a cover for the attitude that any reference to sex is sinful. What in reality is sinful is not talking about sex, not respecting and honoring our natural sexual feelings. Condemning and preventing all attempts to learn what sex is really an about is actually the root of the evil.

Sexual Surrogate Or Prostitute?

There are several major differences between what a surrogate does and what we typically think of a prostitute doing. Frequently a prostitute provides only the sexual experiences that are asked of her. In many cases her job is simply to provide instant gratification. She may never see the client again.

A sex surrogate's main purpose, rather than just to provide sexual pleasure, is to educate the client in how to reverse specific sexual problems. And it is the therapist, not the sex surrogate or the client, who decides what activities are appropriate in view of the overall therapy. A course of therapy is likely to take several months or more. And, in most cases, sex (defined as genital stimulation and orgasm) is the least of it.


 Get The Latest By Email

Weekly Magazine Daily Inspiration

The fact that money is paid for the services of a prostitute, a sexual surrogate, or a sex therapist is not the issue. We live in a society where monetary exchange for goods and services is the rule. The intent of those who insist upon comparing sex surrogate assisted sex therapy with prostitution is to demean and discredit both. It is a reflection of our basically repressive culture regarding sexuality.

For The Greater Good

Nothing daunted my determination to become the very best sex therapist I possibly could. Helping people accept and respect their sexual urges as a natural part of life and helping them to have satisfying sex lives was compelling for me. As a child I'd had several sexual experiences initiated by adult men. There had been no violence nor threats of violence. Yet I was sworn to secrecy and knew, from an uneasy place deep inside, that this was not socially acceptable behavior. The most traumatic part, however, was that I was blamed for being seductive and made to feel guilty.

From that time on, I searched for understanding about this most powerful of human energy: sex. I observed, asked questions, read everything I could get my hands on, and experimented wherever I could. In order to learn even more, I talked my husband into having an open relationship for a short while, in which either of us could, by mutual agreement, have other sexual partners. From all my searching I could only conclude there was something radically wrong with the attitude toward sex in our culture. The most important thing I discovered was that, despite the fact that we are continually being bombarded by sexual images and sexual innuendoes, our society basically denies the value and beauty of sexuality. Therefore we are taught very little about it, being left to discover what little we can, through a great deal of fumbling and bumbling and embarrassment. What masquerades as sexual freedom is often only a rebellion against the lies, secrecy, hypocrisy, and ignorance about sex that our culture imposes upon us. We have been given the message that our sexual urges and attractions are bad. They are not. They are natural and beautiful. However, in our ignorance, how we act upon those urges is often what turns the sublime into the horrific!

Sex therapy utilizing experiential methods and surrogate partners became for me a way of making sex right both for myself and for my clients. I also hoped my work might have a redeeming influence upon some of the negative sexual attitudes in our culture. What is desperately needed are clear, unambiguous standards of sexual behavior that support the responsible and joyous expression of our sexuality. But this cannot be achieved in theory only. Such standards can only become effective through societally approved experiential learning. Surrogate-assisted therapy has proven to serve that purpose.


Illustrated Manual of Sex Therapy by Helen Singer KaplanRecommended book:

Illustrated Manual of Sex Therapy
by Helen Singer Kaplan.

Info/Order book 


Sexual SurrogateAnother perspective:

"Sex by Prescription: The Startling Truth about Today's Sex Therapy"

by Thomas Szasz.


You May Also Like

Marie T. Russell's Daily Inspiration

PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT

Honesty: The Only Hope for New Relationships
Honesty: The Only Hope for New Relationships
by Susan Campbell, Ph.D.
According to most of the singles I have met in my travels, the typical dating situation is fraught…
Why It's Good For Kids To Have Friends from Different Socioeconomic Backgrounds
Why It's Good For Kids To Have Friends from Different Socioeconomic…
by Leah M. Lessard, University of Connecticut and Jaana Juvonen, University of California, Los Angeles
Friendships that bridge across social class – “cross-class friendships” – can minimize middle…
Is Your Bedroom Sacred?
Is Your Bedroom Sacred? Honoring Your Personal Sanctuary
by Jon Robertson
The bedroom is home to our prayers and dreams, our solitude and sexuality. In this inner sanctum,…
Zoom Fatigue and Distracted Driving Share A Common Problem: Multitasking
Zoom Fatigue and Distracted Driving Share A Common Problem: Multitasking
by Francesco Biondi, University of Windsor
Feeling exhausted at the end of a long day of video-conferencing? Do your back, shoulders and mind…

SOCIAL & POLITICAL

The Birthing of A New World Which Is Struggling to be Born
The Birthing of A New World Which Is Struggling to be Born
by Ervin Laszlo
Talk of fundamental change in the world around us is often met with skepticism. Change in society,…
No Visits and Barely Any Calls: The Pandemic and People with a Family Member In Prison
No Visits and Barely Any Calls: The Pandemic and People with a Family…
by Alexander Testa and Chantal Fahmy, The University of Texas at San Antonio
For many people who are incarcerated, either awaiting trial in jail or imprisoned after conviction,…
Defund The Police? Instead, End Toxic Masculinity and ‘Warrior Cops’
Defund The Police? Instead, End Toxic Masculinity and ‘Warrior Cops’
by Angela Workman-Stark, Athabasca University
The police officer charged with murder in the death of George Floyd is currently on trial in…
04 15 compassionate courage moves beyond cancel culture
Compassionate Courage Moves Beyond 'Cancel Culture' To Challenge Systemic…
by Pushpa Iyer, Middlebury Institute of International Studies
Our current call-out culture often advocates publicly shaming and humiliating wrongdoers,…

INNERSELF VOICES

The Birthing of A New World Which Is Struggling to be Born
The Birthing of A New World Which Is Struggling to be Born
by Ervin Laszlo
Talk of fundamental change in the world around us is often met with skepticism. Change in society,…
Win the Battle In Your Head: Perspective Matters
Win the Battle In Your Head: Perspective Matters
by Peter Ruppert
We all experience positive and negative self-talk on a regular basis. Whether you realize it or…
Horoscope Current Week: April 19 - 25, 2021
Horoscope Current Week: April 19 - 25, 2021
by Pam Younghans
This weekly astrological journal is based on planetary influences, and offers perspectives and…
If You’ve Contracted COVID: Healing and Moving Forward
If You’ve Contracted COVID: Healing and Moving Forward
by Stacee L. Reicherzer PhD
If you’ve contracted COVID, you not only had health problems that may have been life-threatening,…
Awakening to the Dream of the Earth and Loving the World
Awakening to the Dream of the Earth and Loving the World
by Bill Plotkin, Ph.D.
The most important question is not how to survive biodiversity loss, climate disruption, ecological…
4 Ways to Build Your Tolerance of Ambiguity—and Your Global Career 
4 Ways to Build Your Tolerance of Ambiguity—and Your Global Career
by Paula Caligiuri, Ph.D.
Even if your tolerance of ambiguity is lower, there are proven ways to build this important…

LIVING IN HARMONY

Can Bad Weather Really Cause Headaches?

Can Bad Weather Really Cause Headaches?

Amanda Ellison, Durham University
Baby Bees Love Carbs – Here's Why That Matters
Baby Bees Love Carbs – Here's Why That Matters
by James Gilbert, University of Hull and Elizabeth Duncan, University of Leeds
Wild bees are essential for sustaining the landscapes we love. A healthy community of wild…
What Makes A Job Meaningful and Why That Matters
What Makes A Job Meaningful and Why That Matters
by Andrew Bryce, University of Sheffield
Work provides many things over and above the monthly pay cheque: status and identity, community and…
Prosperity and Being of Service to Others vs. Vanity and Pride
Prosperity and Being of Service to Others vs. Vanity and Pride
by James Dillehay
Vanity means pride or self-worship, which is different from self-love. In the effervescence of…
COVID-19: Does Exercising Really Reduce The Risk?
COVID-19: Does Exercising Really Reduce The Risk?
by Jamie Hartmann-Boyce, University of Oxford
A new US study shows that people who are less physically active are more likely to be hospitalised…

MOST READ

3 Ways Music Educators Can Help Students With Autism Develop Their Emotions
3 Ways Music Educators Can Help Students With Autism…
by Dawn R. Mitchell White, University of South Florida
Domestic Violence: Calls For Help Have Increased – But The Answers Haven't Gotten Any Easier
Domestic Violence: Calls For Help Have Increased – But The…
by Tara N. Richards and Justin Nix, University of Nebraska Omaha
Viking DNA And The Pitfalls Of Genetic Ancestry Tests
Viking DNA and The Pitfalls of Genetic Ancestry Tests
by Anna Källén, Stockholm University and Daniel Strand, Uppsala University

New Attitudes - New Possibilities

InnerSelf.comClimateImpactNews.com | InnerPower.net
MightyNatural.com | WholisticPolitics.com
Copyright ©1985 - 2021 InnerSelf Publications. All Rights Reserved.