What if Joyce dies before me? This is one of my greatest vulnerabilities.
Sure, I could die first. Statistically, women live longer than men. But this is not my vulnerability. My dying first brings up other feelings, like abandoning my true love, not being there to help her when she needs me. Of course I know I’ll always be there for her, just without a body. I have full faith that, in the realm of soul, I’ll be even more present for her without the distractions that are here on earth.
Even though we’re both healthy in the important ways, we are still seventy years old. We are now in our senior years. Death of our bodies is no longer something that can be ignored.
Facing My Need, My Humanity, My Spirituality
So how is Joyce’s passing such a deep vulnerability for me? It’s because of how much I need her. In our early years together, I tried hard not to need her. I was fine with loving her. But need, that’s a different story. To need Joyce would prove my inadequacy as a human being. Yet need her I did.
Eventually, I could no longer fool myself. I had to face my inadequacy, my dependence, my weakness. And I received a bonus. By accepting my dependence on Joyce, I am becoming a stronger man (yes, it’s an on-going work). By pushing away my need, I was weakening myself. By pushing away my humanity, I was also pushing away my spirituality. It’s a package deal. You can’t have one without the other.
So with fuller awareness of my need for Joyce, and opening to the fully human part of me, the thought of her death is a scary thing. In my deepest vulnerability, I feel like a lost child, unprotected by the warmth of Joyce’s tender love.
My higher mind knows I can survive, even thrive. I know I will call upon her soul night and day, maintaining a spiritual connection. My soul knows our profound connection cannot be lost after one person’s transition.
But I can’t ignore the vulnerable child within me. On that very human level, I am scared at the thought of Joyce’s death. I see myself wandering the earth unprotected by her loving arms, and making decisions without her feminine wisdom.
Envisioning the Future Without "My Joy"
The grief I envision is not only the grief of a child. It is also my adult self that would dearly miss my best friend in all the world. On a recent solo backpacking trip, I saw more clearly the joy that Joyce brings to my life. It’s even in her name! When I’m alone, I’m more serious. I have peace, quiet and contentment, but not joy. The joy comes with being with Joyce.
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Some of the happiest moments of our lives together have been in nature. Not just being together, but sharing God’s natural beauty with my beloved. When I see Joyce being thrilled by a stunning sunset, or the reflected light on a pool of water, my own heart is more thrilled by her reaction than what we are observing. How I would miss that!
How I would miss our physical togetherness. We have a special ritual before going to sleep every night. We call it “pit time.” We’ve done it for decades. I raise my arm and she snuggles into my arm pit with her leg around mine. It’s delightfully comforting for both of us. I would especially miss our sexual connection, the wonderful union of our bodies. But I would miss just as much the little physical connections, holding hands while walking or praying, and all the little touches we give one another.
Missing the Playful Insights
I would deeply miss the way she plays with me. She teases me with such sensitivity and love. A few weeks ago, we were leading a workshop in Assisi, Italy. I was telling the group about a special place we were about to visit. I said, “And if we’re lucky, we can be there at a time when there are no tourists.” Joyce caught a subtle expression of distaste on my face, a slightly wrinkled nose, and a quick downward pointing gesture of my fingers, when I pronounced the word “tourists.” It was so quick that no one else in the room seemed to notice.
Joyce could have ignored it, but it was too rich a moment. She stopped me and pointed out what I had done, but in a way that helped me see the humor in my actions. It became a precious moment for the whole group. It illuminated an unconscious judgement I held for tourists. It became a delightful inside joke for the whole group. We began to notice and bless those wonderful throngs of tourists who mingled with us during outings, while many in the group mimicked my wrinkled nose and downward pointing fingers. I loved it all!
An Unusual Meditation: Facing My Worst Fear
Every so often I practice a very unusual meditation, one that I wholeheartedly recommend everyone practice with a loved one. I face my worst fear, that of Joyce dying. I let it play out as a conscious nightmare. I see it happening. I let myself go through all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. I feel as deeply as possible my life without Joyce, alone in our bed without “pit time,” eating meals alone, coming home to an empty house, and trying to take care of her beloved rose bushes without her loving touch.
But to end there would only be a morbid meditation. The next step in the meditation is crucial. I then open to her ever-present soul. I feel her pouring her love into me night and day without end. I feel her more with me than ever, undistracted by her busy life on earth. This gives me great comfort. It is after these special meditations that I approach my beloved Joyce with more openness, vulnerability, and love than usual. My appreciation of her has blossomed, and she thoroughly delights in it.
* subtitles by InnerSelf
Article written by the co-author of:
A Mother’s Final Gift: How One Woman’s Courageous Dying Transformed Her Family
by Joyce and Barry Vissell.
About the Author(s)
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA. They are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant To Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 21-26, 2019 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Sep 24-30, 2019 — Assisi Retreat, Italy; and Jun 7-14, 2020 — Shared Heart Alaska Cruise For further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org.
Two Recent Books (2018) by the Vissells:
To Really Love a Woman
by Barry and Joyce Vissell.
How does a woman really need to be loved? How can her partner help to bring out her deepest passion, her sensuality, her creativity, her dreams, her joy, and at the same time allow her to feel safe, accepted and appreciated? This book gives tools to the readers to more deeply honor their partners. Although these writings refer mostly to heterosexual women and men, there is a wealth of information for LGBTQ. Our focus, after all, is how to deeply love another person, whether it be a man or a woman.
To Really Love a Man
by Joyce and Barry Vissell.
How does a man really need to be loved? How can his partner help to bring out his sensitivity, his emotions, his strength, his fire, and at the same time allow him to feel respected, secure, and acknowledged? This book gives tools to the readers to more deeply honor their partners. Although these writings refer mostly to heterosexual women and men, there is a wealth of information for LGBTQ. Our focus, after all, is how to deeply love another person, whether it be a man or a woman.