ccording to psychologist and author John Gottman’s groundbreaking research, a whopping 69 percent of problems in marriage do not get solved. His good news, though, is that many problems can be managed. Gottman states that couples can live with unresolvable conflicts about perpetual issues in their relationship if the issues are not deal breakers. [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman]

Simply put, it is not the presence of conflict that stresses the relationship; it is the manner in which the couple responds. Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriage thriving.

Couples can resolve virtually any problem by conducting marriage meetings. The meetings foster a spirit of goodwill and acceptance, a live-and-let-live, respectful attitude that allows partners to be themselves. The process results in the ability to minimize or manage conflicts that may not be resolvable.

Unresolvable Conflicts Do Not Have to Be Deal Breakers

Here are a few examples of unresolvable conflicts that you can probably learn to live with, assuming you get along well most of the time:

• You think your spouse is too strict (or too lenient) with the children.

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• You are irritated by your partner’s habitual lateness.

• Your partner has an okay job, but you wish he or she were more ambitious.

• Your spouse leaves crumbs on the counter even though you’ve said you don’t like that.

• Your spouse is forgetful.

How can you accept the quirks and habits of your partner that have been bothering you for some time despite your efforts to change unwanted behavior? Look at the big picture. All in all, are you glad to be married to this person? If yes, do you want to keep carping and become a source of irritation to your spouse, or do you want a happy marriage?

Ask yourself, “Am I so perfect?” In healthy relationships, partners accept their mates’ foibles as part of a package that is precious.

Certainly, you may address some of these concerns during marriage meetings. Even if neither partner is likely to change much of what irks the other, both of you will get to express yourselves constructively. You can expect to feel heard and understood. You may gain small improvements.

For example, Lew is bothered by the casual approach of his wife, Ellie, to dressing for social and business occasions. During the Problems and Challenges part of their marriage meeting he tells her, “I want us both to look great at the dinner party my boss invited us to. I know you like to dress comfortably, but please wear something especially nice Saturday night. I like how classy you look when you wear earrings and maybe other jewelry too.” He adds for emphasis, “This is really important to me, and for us, because I want that promotion.” Of course, after Ellie complies, he will generously express his appreciation.

How to Manage Conflicts That Are Not Deal Breakers

During the Problems and Challenges part of your marriage meetings, say what’s on your mind. If you know a situation is coming up soon in which you want your partner to behave in a certain way, this is a good time to ask for that. In the previous example, Lew told Ellie he would like her to dress up for a specific event. You can do the same regarding what you want your partner to do differently. Focus your comments on something fairly easy to change, especially dur­ing your first four to six marriage meetings.

Character traits are not likely to change, at least not without a great deal of effort. Lew did not ask Ellie to start dressing better all the time. That would have been unrealistic. Her careless approach to what she wears is an entrenched habit. He is learning to live with that because he loves Ellie regardless and appreciates her many fine qualities.

Lew realizes he’s not perfect either. He appreciates Ellie for putting up with his forgetfulness and for finding ways to work around it. Lew is minimizing their conflict by managing it. He is encourag­ing his wife to dress better when it really matters to him. He does this when he has her full attention during their marriage meetings.

Keeping Your Expectations Realistic

Maybe your partner will agree to change. If so, wonderful! Just understand that our basic nature and character traits are likely to remain the same. So don’t expect an introvert to become the life of the party, a frugal person to become a big spender, or a sensitive person to become thick-skinned.

However, behaviors that have not become habits can be fairly easy to change — if the person wants to. The key word is want. Your partner may or may not want to change. You may have heard this joke: “How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light-bulb? Just one — but the lightbulb has to want to change.”

Long-standing habits take more effort and time to change. If your spouse agrees to change one, be glad. Also be patient. When your partner makes an effort, let the compliments flow anytime and especially during the Appreciation part of your marriage meeting. If you see no progress, and you think your partner will accept a gentle reminder, offer it during Problems and Challenges.

What if the change still does not happen? If your partner’s fault is not a deal breaker, strive to accept what you cannot change. While teaching a class on a different topic a couple of years ago, Rabbi Joseph Richards commented off the cuff, “People are annoying. So find the person who annoys you least and marry that one!” All of us laughed, probably because he had voiced a truth that is rarely acknowledged. The lesson is to keep irritations in perspective. Look at the big picture.

Some Unresolvable Conflicts May Be Deal Breakers

Still, it can be lifesaving to recognize when a conflict is severe enough to cause a couple to end their marriage. Here are some examples of conflicts that are deal breakers for many, but not all, couples:

• One wants children; the other doesn’t.

• One wants quality time with a partner who is a workaholic and comes home mainly to sleep.

• A partner is unwilling or unable to give up an addiction, such as to alcohol, drugs, or gambling.

• A partner is unfaithful.

• A partner is emotionally or physically abusive or both.

• Partners’ values are too different for them to agree on major issues, such as who will work, where to live, and how to spend leisure time.

• Religious differences, including about the faith in which the children will be raised.

Although these conflicts can end up being deal breakers, you may still want to save your marriage. The more difficult challenges are likely to require additional effort, such as seeking individual or couple therapy to help you communicate more constructively or to set realistic goals and work toward achieving them.

Debunking Marriage Myths

If you and your partner are willing to hold marriage meetings, first conduct several low-key ones with plenty of appreciation. Keep the early meetings positive and light.

During a later marriage meeting, you can bring up more sensitive topics, by saying, for example, “I’m concerned about your lateness,” or “I’ve noticed that you’ve been putting on weight; I’m worried about how this might affect your health.” You can express your distress about your spouse’s drinking, drug use, abusive behavior, or something else.

Use the positive communication skills described in chapters 7, 8, and 9. If a challenge you want to discuss seems too daunting for the two of you to deal with on your own, consider get­ting outside support to help you address it constructively.

A Deal Breaker For This Couple: Infidelity

It may feel reassuring to know that most conflicts are not deal breakers, but it is also important to know when a conflict creates more stress than a partner can bear, such as when it threatens one’s mental or physical well-being. A situation that one person can accept might be a deal breaker for another person. Each of us knows what we can and cannot tolerate.

For example, Nicki recognized when a marital conflict became a deal breaker for her. She feared their marriage was over. She told her husband, Cliff, that she wanted the two of them to talk things over with a thera­pist. He told Nicki that wouldn’t be necessary, because he loved only her and would break it off with Kim for good. Nicki sensed he was lying. She became depressed and anxious. She had difficulty sleeping. When she discovered that Cliff and Kim had spent an after­noon at a motel, she gave him an ultimatum: either they would begin couple therapy or the marriage would be over. When he refused, she filed for divorce.

Nicki was unwilling to tolerate Cliff’s betrayal. She was suffer­ing physically and emotionally. His infidelity became a deal breaker for her.

©2014 by Marcia Naomi Berger. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher,
New World Library, Novato, CA 94949. newworldlibrary.com.

Article Source:

Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 45 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted
by Marcia Naomi Berger.

For more info or to purchase this book on Amazon.

About the Author

Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, is the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love. She coaches, consults, and speaks nationally, and has served on the clinical faculty of the University of California School of Medicine. Soon after marrying, she and her husband David began holding weekly marriage meetings. Nearly twenty-six years later, they continue to hold them. She says,"I treasure our time to reconnect every week. We express appreciation, coordinate chores, plan dates, and talk about any concern. Our meetings provide closure, which means no grudges." Visit her online at http://www.marriagemeetings.com. 

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