We all lie. We lie to receive approval, to manipulate other people’s opinions of us. How contradictory it is: we are taught as children that we must always tell the truth, that we shouldn’t lie, yet society teaches us to lie “appropriately” — in order to avoid conflict, to be polite, to get what we want.
This is especially true in our intimate relationships.
When Lying is a Way of Life
This reminds me of one rather dysfunctional aspect of my family. Back in the ’80s it seemed as if everyone smoked except for my mother and grandmother. The presence of a cigarette was enough to bring them into compulsive coughing fits and spontaneous watering of the eyes, and the whole family had been trained like Pavlov’s dogs to tut appropriately in the presence of a smoker.
The problem was that everyone else in the family actually did smoke — I, my boyfriend, my father, my brother, and his wife — and after our simulated tutting we would remove ourselves as a unit to the bathroom to have a surreptitious cigarette, followed by the hasty application of mouth spray, perfume, or whatever was needed to camouflage the smell of cigarette.
We had been carrying out this charade for so long and to such an extent that we actually perceived it to be quite normal. We were oblivious to the fact that we were all terrified of my grandmother and mother, desperately masking our addictions in order to receive their approval!
Lying is a Form of Fear
Lies are self-abandonment. Each lie represents a place where we avoid showing ourselves exactly as we are, and so ultimately they come from fear — fear of being rejected, fear of feeling unloved. We put on social masks, presenting a false persona to the world, the person we think we should appear to be. Yet in doing so, we deny parts of ourselves, which either become secret obsessions or suppressed emotions resulting in resentment and disillusionment.
How often do we sacrifice sincerity with our partners in order to avoid conflict or hide some aspect of ourselves? Our need for approval often trumps our commitment to being truthful, but self-abandonment is a high price to pay to maintain an appearance of harmony.
Secrets in Intimate Relationships
If we feel the need to hide something from our partners, it is because on some level we know that our actions are not based in love and growth. But secrets in intimate relationships become open wounds that fester, preventing the relationships from ever being healthy. The biggest toll they take is on us, because our concealments are always there, lurking behind every corner and inflicting us with a pervasive sense of unease, guilt, and shame.
Get The Latest From InnerSelf
Make it your policy to never hide your behaviors from your partner. Make Full Disclosure your mantra. Once you decide to put honesty and transparency above the need for approval or the need to manipulate your partner, everything will begin to change. You’ll be amazed at how much your self-esteem will improve along with your relationship.
Reprinted with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA.
©2012 by Isha Judd. All Rights Reserved.
www.newworldlibrary.com or 800-972-6657 ext. 52.
Love Has Wings: Free Yourself from Limiting Beliefs and Fall in Love with Life
by Isha Judd.
Isha Judd has taught thousands of people a simple system that shows how every moment of life — even the most challenging and frustrating — can be filled with love, peace, and self-acceptance. In these pages, Isha will teach you to: * Free yourself from the most common fear-based illusions we cling to out of habit; * Empower yourself to permeate all your roles and responsibilities with love-consciousness; * Soar above fear, boredom, impatience, jealousy, insecurity, loneliness, and the uncertainty of a world in crisis.
About the Author
Isha Judd is the founder of Isha Educating for Peace and the author of Why Walk When You Can Fly? Born in Australia, Isha has lived since 2000 in South America. She is the founder of Isha Educating for Peace, a self-funded NGO that provides thousands throughout the continent with free access to her teachings. Working with children, politicians, prisoners, and people with disabilities, the organization aims to support the underprivileged in all areas of society. She was recently named Ambassador for Peace by the Argentinean Senate, and Citizen of the World by the International University of Cuernavaca, Mexico. Visit her website at www.IshaJudd.com