How To Get What You Want from a Man (For Women Only!)

Here's the top-secret for-women-only part of this book. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, show this part of this book to your husbands or boyfriends.

OK, I think we can all agree that (duh) criticizing your man doesn't work. So what the heck do we do?

How To Get What You Want! Criticism? Not!

My guy always said things to me like: "You don't get it! When you criticize me and tell me what I'm doing wrong, I feel like a teenager being scolded by his mother and I want to rebel! If you'll just back off you'll probably get what you want."

And I would reply, "Well, you're not a teenager. Grow up! You should be able to hear me and not get so defensive!" And the fight would be on.

And I was right. It would have been absolutely fantastic if he'd been able to hear me and not get defensive. But you know what? He couldn't! So, I had a choice: I could walk around BY MYSELF knowing I was in the right, or I could BE PART OF A COUPLE and accept that he was who he was and was doing the best he could at the time, and instead of trying to change him, work on changing myself.

You can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes,
you just might find,
you get what you need.

—THE ROLLING STONES

When I'm talking with my guy, especially if it looks like we're heading toward an argument, it's really important that I remember to listen carefully to what he is really saying, and not just his words. I need to hear what's beneath his words, which, when we're having a disagreement, most of the time is some version of, "I feel like you don't respect me."

How To Get What You Want? L.O.V.E. (Listen, Open Your Heart, Voice Your Desires, Embrace Your Partner)

Before I started working on the principles of L.O.V.E. (Listen; Open your heart; Voice your desires; Embrace your partner) in my relationship, when my temper showed signs of flaring up, I just let it rip! But now, when I feel my emotions getting hot, I pause, breathe in love, and remind myself of what my true objective is.

If I can remember that even when we're disagreeing my objective is always to bring about union, closeness, and love, I stand a much better chance of using my voice in a way that helps rather than harms.

This doesn't mean I don't get to say my peace, or speak the truth, but whatever I say to my guy always has to have the quality of "I love you and I respect you." And I've found that if I start with that, most of the time, I may not necessarily get what I want, but I'll always get what I need.

How To Get What You Want? Appreciation!

I have a friend who is also married to an actor, and she happens to make her living as a theater director. Every time her husband had an audition, he would ask her to "run" the scene with him. Since she is a director, she assumed he wanted her feedback. She was after all an expert.

But instead of appreciating her feedback, every time her husband worked with her on a scene, it led to a fight. He'd always end up saying, "I don't want your advice! I know what I'm doing!"

I suggested that perhaps her husband didn't want her services as a director. He didn't want that kind of feedback from her. He wanted appreciation. He wanted her to make him feel like a good actor. What he really wanted from her was simply to hear, "That was great, honey!"

So I asked her, "Do you think he's a good actor?"

"Yes, of course. He's wonderful," she answered.

"Just try praising him. See what happens."

How To Get What You Want? Believe in Your Partner

A couple of days later she called me up. "I followed your suggestion," she said.

"Jim and I ran the scene, and instead of suggesting different acting choices, different ways he could do it, I just said: `Honey, that was great!'

"And he lit up. It was almost like he grew a bit physically. And wouldn't you know it? Then he asked me if I had any feedback!

“It was amazing to see that my old way of communicating was part of why we always had conflict. When I began by simply appreciating him, without just jumping in there with all kinds of unasked-for advice, it was like he felt respected, like I saw him as a fully capable man rather than a little boy who needed my help. What he really wanted was for me to believe in him.”

This article was adapted with permission from the book:

Shut Up & Dance! The Joy of Letting Go of the Lead -- on the Dance Floor and Off
by Jamie Rose.

Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, a member of Penguin Group (USA). ©2011 by Jamie Rose. www.us.PenguinGroup.com.

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About the Author

JAMIE ROSE has been a professional actor for more than thirty-five years. Perhaps best known for her regular role as Vickie Gioberti in the 1980s prime-time hit series Falcon Crest,at forty-five, Jamie Rose was an independent, take-charge woman whose career as an actor was going nicely, with frequent roles on hit television shows and in films. But there was one area of her life that wasn't working: her love life. But something magical happened when she signed up for tango lessons: she began to understand that letting someone else take the lead from time to time wasn't giving up, but rather, "letting go." In this wise and funny book, Rose shares with readers the life lessons she's learned from tango and other great partner dance traditions. visit her author website at http://jamierosestudio.com/