You Are My Valentine: Loving the One You're With

relationship

Are You My Valentine? Loving the one you're with

Some of us wait for Valentine's Day with hopes we don't express. We may wonder if our mate will meet our expectations this year, or if we will be disappointed yet again. We way proceed through the actual day thinking about the card we got for our partner last week and wondering what thoughtful thing our partner got for us or what adoring words we will hear over dinner.

Of course it is assumed that there are dinner reservations. Well, maybe there are not, but that's okay. Perhaps our partner plans to cook dinner at home and have wine and candles. That would be nice. But what if our partner forgets or, even worse, what if the Valentine's Day gift is something really tasteless from the House of Ooh-La,La? Oh, it could be a nightmare.

Valentine Day Tension

There can be plenty of tension associated with Valentine's Day. One cold, dreary February 14th, I am at the grocery store at 5 p.m. In the parking lot I can see men getting out of their cars and scurrying into the store. Inside at the express lane checkout counter are five men standing in line, each holding a dozen roses. Other men are talking to the attendant in the flower department who is the bearer of the bad news that the store has sold out of roses. One man stomps his foot as he pleads for the attendant to somehow magically produce more roses. Another stuffs his hands in his pockets and storms out of the store.

The five men at the checkout counter have different poses. The last man in line seems very self-conscious. His roses are stuffed under his right arm. His muscular arm looks as if it is more used to cradling a six-pack than a dozen roses. He is holding a cigarette in his left hand and on his face is a look of duty -- the same kind of look a little boy has when he is doing something to please his mother and he hopes none of his buddies see him. The fourth man in line looks worried. He holds his roses very carefully with both hands, and he keeps looking and sniffing at them as if they might not be up to some imagined standard. The third man in line looks exasperated. His roses hang by his side in his right hand and he taps his foot impatiently as if he is irritated with the fact that he has to be doing this at all. The second man has his roses in a Shopping cart. He is holding a card in his left hand and a pen in his right while he looks up at the ceiling as if hoping he will be struck by some inspiration that he can write on the card. The first man in line stands in front of the clerk smiling proudly. He is a young man. It is easy to imagine that he is newly married, buying roses for his wife for the first time.

Valentine Day Relationship Pressure

Are You My Valentine? Loving the one you're withValentine's Day brings with it a great deal of pressure on relationships. Our culture sets standards of romantic behavior that can only happen in the movies. A man may feel as if he is taking a test and that he must find the right answer or the correct combination to his mate's safe. A woman may feel exposed and vulnerable. She may hope that her partner will demonstrate his love for her. She doesn't want that much. She doesn't need a dozen roses. She just needs to feel that she is special to her mate. Is that asking too much? Sometimes it seems that it is. And yet she can't help but want, at least on Valentine's Day, a declaration from her mate that she is loved.

Valentine's Day is, of course, a Madison Avenue economic vehicle, a day on which florists and restaurants make money. But it can be more than that. Our relationships need ceremonial moments, time to reflect on what we mean to each other, opportunities to affirm our desire and commitment. Such moments are treasures. While it is true that most of us don't know how to use a special occasion such as Valentine's Day, it is important that we learn.

Discuss Your Valentine's Day Expectations

The first thing a couple must do is talk to each other about what they can realistically expect of each other on Valentine's Day. Some people expect too much of their mate. Others may try to do something wonderful for their partner and the relationship, but they may try too hard. A partner may make a lot of expensive elaborate plans, only to discover that the other partner did not really want to get dressed up and go to an expensive restaurant on the night before a demanding work day.

Making Valentine's Day into a part of your relationship's art requires the work of both people. My friend Jean tells this Valentine story about herself and her husband, Fred.

"Fred is an engineer type. He doesn't have much sense about things like flowers. But he did hear me say once that I love potted flowering plants, so on Valentine's Day he went out and bought me a flowering plant -- snapdragons. Until then I hadn't held snapdragons in very high esteem, but when I saw my proud husband presenting me with this gift of red snapdragons they became my favorite flower and they have been ever since."

Jean's compassion for her husband and her willingness to see the beauty in his effort and in his love behind the effort is what made this Valentine's Day a success for her. It is our job as a mate to find value in whatever our mate gives us as a gift and to make that gift into a treasure in our hearts. That is what Jean did, and she gave herself a wonderful Valentine's Day.

Finding the Good In Your Partner's Efforts

Valentine's Day can be a metaphor for everyday life in a relationship. Our job is to find the good in our mate and to appreciate and honor that good. Our mates don't come perfect. Expecting perfection will only lead to disappointment, but we will never be disappointed if we do our job of finding the good in our partner's best effort and making snapdragons into our favorite flowers.

Book by this author:

Create Your Own Love Story
by David W. McMillan, Ph.D.

Create Your Own Love Story by David W. McMillan, Ph.D.Shows couples how to take their shared histories of how they met, fell in love, and overcame trials to create a love story that makes their relationship stronger and more satisfying

 For more information or to order this book
(out of print/available as a used book).

About The Author

relationshipDavid W. McMillan, Ph.D., inspires readers to have the highest vision for their own relationships. He is the creator of the Sense of Community Theory and the founder of the Nashville Psychotherapy Institute. He is co-author of Teach Your Child About Feelings, and A Craving for Life. He is the author of Create Your Own Love Story : The Art of Lasting Relationships, published by Beyond Words Publishing, Inc. http://www.beyondword.com.

Related Books

Unconditional Love: A Guide to Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being a Grandparent Today

relationshipAuthor: Jane Isay
Binding: Hardcover
Studio: Harper
Label: Harper
Publisher: Harper
Manufacturer: Harper

Buy Now
Editorial Review:

A beautiful meditation on the joys of being a grandparent and a practical guide to help you and your adult children make the most of your relationship with a grandchild.

For many grandparents, a grandchild offers a second chance to become the parent they didn’t have the time or the energy to be when raising their own children. Being a grandparent, family relationships expert Jane Isay argues, is the opportunity to turn missed opportunities into delight.

Drawing on her personal experience, dozens of interviews, and the latest findings in psychology, Isay shows how a grandparent can use his or her unique perspective and experience to create a deep and lasting bond that will echo throughout a grandchild’s life. She explores the realities of today’s multigenerational families, identifying problems and offering solutions to enhance love, trust, and understanding between grandparents, parents, and grandchildren. She also offers a wealth of practical advice, from when to get involved, when to stay away, and how to foster a strong relationship when you’re separated by long distance.

Unconditional Love advocates for honest conversation, thinking in the long run and healing breaches in order to be together, understanding that most of us try to do our best and need to be forgiven if we fail. Isay argues that secrets and surprises may tilt the boat but won’t necessarily sink it and that grandparents and their grown children are happier when they give each other the benefit of the doubt. Most importantly, she writes, the advent of grandchildren offers families the opportunity for healing and redemption—if we seize the moment. In lovely prose and through delightful stories, Isay shows us how we can.

A great gift for grandparents-to-be and a wonderful resource for all, Unconditional Love is a beautiful and psychologically astute look at what it means to be an engaged grandparent.





Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships

relationshipAuthor: Greg Baer
Binding: Paperback
Features:
  • Used Book in Good Condition

Brand: Brand: Gotham Books
Studio: Avery
Label: Avery
Publisher: Avery
Manufacturer: Avery

Buy Now
Editorial Review: "He rocked my foundation! Greg Baer touched me deeply. He's got the answer to finding happiness in life."—Tony Trupiano, Talk America


Why do most of us search our entire lives for loving and happy relationships but rarely find them? What is the "secret something" that all relationships need in order to thrive? Dr. Greg Baer found the answers to these questions while working with thousands of individuals and couples. In Real Love, he shares his enlightening and practical blueprint for creating successful relationships and reveals the secret to finding and keeping what he calls "Real Love."

In Real Love, you'll discover:

· The difference between Imitation Love and Real Love
· How to eliminate conflicts with spouses, children, parents, friends and colleagues
· How to put an end to destructive “Getting” and “Protecting” behaviors
· How Real Love can eliminate anger, resentment, and fear
· The four steps to finding Real Love

With Real Love as your guide you can begin to heal the wounds of your past and create rewarding and fulfilling relationships in every area of your life.





Unconditional Love (Journey of Love Book 1)

relationshipAuthor: Kelly Elliott
Binding: Kindle Edition
Format: Kindle eBook
Studio: K. Elliott Enterprises, INC.
Label: K. Elliott Enterprises, INC.
Publisher: K. Elliott Enterprises, INC.
Manufacturer: K. Elliott Enterprises, INC.

Buy Now
Editorial Review: Contains adult content and language.

Lark Williams leads a fast-paced life, always on the edge of danger. Running from his past and fighting to keep his present life a secret, he keeps his heart out of reach from love. The walls he built around himself come crumbling down when he meets Azurdee Emerson.

Azurdee lives a peaceful life in the small town of Wimberley, Texas. Her tame world quickly becomes heated as she begins to fall in love with Lark. He’s everything she has vowed to stay away from—dark and mysterious, and not to mention, sexy as hell and full of secrets.

Just as Lark and Azurdee give in to their feelings of love, Lark’s present life threatens the safety of the one person he would sacrifice his own happiness for. When Lark finds history repeating itself, he makes a decision that will forever change both of their lives, leaving one heartbroken and lost and the other fighting to survive.




relationship
enafarzh-CNzh-TWtlfrdehiiditjamsptrues

follow InnerSelf on

google-plus-iconfacebook-icontwitter-iconrss-icon

 Get The Latest By Email

{emailcloak=off}

follow InnerSelf on

google-plus-iconfacebook-icontwitter-iconrss-icon

 Get The Latest By Email

{emailcloak=off}