The Dance of Divorce: Important Ingredients in Healing from Divorce

The Dance of Divorce: Important Ingredients in Healing from Divorce
Image by bigter choi
 

While listening to the radio today, I heard someone suggest that the best way to deal with divorce was to never have one! I suppose there is some truth to that; however, it's a bit unrealistic. In America, close to 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, and most people have had at least some direct experience with it -- parents who are divorced, friends or family members or colleagues.

When I titled this strategy "The Dance of Divorce," I did so with no intent to minimize the seriousness of the end of a marriage. I consider divorce to be one of the most difficult events a person can endure. I've known many, many people who have been through the ordeal, and although some felt it was the best, if not the only possi­ble, solution, not one of them thought it was very much fun.

Dancing Is An Flowing Alive Process

I use the word dance because dealing with divorce is a flowing, alive process. It's a matter of finding a delicate balance among con­flicting emotions and interests. People going through, or having been through, divorce have reported to me feelings of love, hate, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness, fear, anger, and the need for revenge, all at once! No wonder it's a confusing time.

At the same time, the "dance" often involves children. So many questions need to be addressed and answered. Most important: "What's in the best interest of the kids?" But there are others. How will we share the time, responsibility, and financial needs of the chil­dren? Where will they live? How do we deal with broken hearts, blended and extended families, and new relationships? The list goes on and on.

Then there is the issue of "stuff." How do we divide the money, assets, and the things? Who gets what? That's not fair, and so forth. You're constantly in the position of walking the tightrope between being fair and reasonable on the one hand, and making sure you pro­tect your interests on the other. If all of this combined isn't consid­ered a form of a "dance," then I'm not sure what would be!

Keeping Your Heart Open

If ever there was a time when it's important to keep your heart open, it's during and after a divorce. Yet, this is one of the times when a person is most tempted to slam it shut. Stubbornness arises in the heart and mind, and one easily retreats into negativity. How can we prevent this from happening?

I once spoke to a group predominantly composed of divorced people. Many of them had gone to great lengths to heal from the painful breakup of their marriage. They had read books, seen coun­selors, gone to seminars, support groups, and so forth.


 Get The Latest By Email

Weekly Magazine Daily Inspiration

I asked the audience three questions. First, "Have the healing processes you have engaged in since your divorce been helpful?" Overwhelmingly, the audience said that their efforts had, indeed, assisted them in healing. It seemed that there were many different methods and sources that were generally, and in some cases very, effective.

The second and third questions required a slightly more thoughtful response. I asked, "How many of you believe that when you are at 'your best,' and in a loving space, that you are (and were) able to effectively implement the good advice you received, regard­less of its source?" One by one, every person in the room raised his or her hand.

My final question addressed the other side of the coin. "How many of you feel that when you are 'at your worst,' in other words, when you are insecure and reactive, that you are or were able to follow any advice, regardless of how sound it might be?" Predictably, no one raised his or her hand.

The Single Most Important Ingredient in Healing from Divorce

My conclusion, and what I shared with the group, was identical to the conclusion I have come to about many different aspects of life. It is that, ultimately, the single most important ingredient in helping some­one heal from divorce is that person's ability to develop his or her sense of well-being.

You'll get no disagreement from me that other factors are very important -- our friends, support systems, legal counsel, cooperation of our ex-spouse, good books, even a therapist, to name just a few. But when you think about it, nothing is ultimately very helpful if someone doesn't have a healthy state of mind. And con­versely, when we have one, we can get through just about anything.

Reprinted with permission of the publisher,
Hyperion. ©2002, 2003. www.hyperionbooks.com

Article Source

What About the Big Stuff?: Finding Strength and Moving Forward When the Stakes Are High
by Richard Carlson, Ph.D.

book cover: What About the Big Stuff?: Finding Strength and Moving Forward When the Stakes Are High by Richard Carlson, Ph.D.With more than 21 million copies in print, Richard Carlson's bestselling Don't Sweat series has shown countless families, lovers, and professionals how not to sweat the small stuff. Now, Carlson takes on a subject that many people have asked him about on his nationwide lectures and tours: "But Richard. What do you do about the big stuff?"

In this groundbreaking book, Richard tackles the difficult issues--from illness, death, injury, and aging, to alcoholism, divorce, and financial pressures--with his trademark and eminently helpful advice.

Info/Order this book. Also available as a Kindle edition.

About the Author

photo of Richard Carlson, Ph.D.Richard Carlson, Ph.D. was considered to be one of the foremost experts on happiness and stress reduction in the United States and around the world. As the author of thirty popular books, including Don't Sweat the Small Stuff at Work; Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens; and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Men, among many other titles, he showed millions of people how not to let the small things in life get the best of them. Richard passed away unexpectedly on December 13, 2006.

For more info, visit the Don't Sweat website at www.dontsweat.com.

More books by this author.
  

 

More Articles By This Author

You May Also Like

AVAILABLE LANGUAGES

enafarzh-CNzh-TWnltlfifrdehiiditjakomsnofaptruessvtrvi

follow InnerSelf on

facebook icontwitter iconyoutube iconinstagram iconpintrest iconrss icon

 Get The Latest By Email

Weekly Magazine Daily Inspiration

Marie T. Russell's Daily Inspiration

INNERSELF VOICES

What Does Our Authority Rest Upon?
Transitioning from Authoritarian "Outer" Authority to Spiritual "Inner" Authority
by Pierre Pradervand
For thousands of years, ever since mankind started settling in cities, we evolved in rigid,…
The Birthing of A New World Which Is Struggling to be Born
The Birthing of A New World Which Is Struggling to be Born
by Ervin Laszlo
Talk of fundamental change in the world around us is often met with skepticism. Change in society,…
Win the Battle In Your Head: Perspective Matters
Win the Battle In Your Head: Perspective Matters
by Peter Ruppert
We all experience positive and negative self-talk on a regular basis. Whether you realize it or…
Horoscope Current Week: April 19 - 25, 2021
Horoscope Current Week: April 19 - 25, 2021
by Pam Younghans
This weekly astrological journal is based on planetary influences, and offers perspectives and…
If You’ve Contracted COVID: Healing and Moving Forward
If You’ve Contracted COVID: Healing and Moving Forward
by Stacee L. Reicherzer PhD
If you’ve contracted COVID, you not only had health problems that may have been life-threatening,…
Awakening to the Dream of the Earth and Loving the World
Awakening to the Dream of the Earth and Loving the World
by Bill Plotkin, Ph.D.
The most important question is not how to survive biodiversity loss, climate disruption, ecological…
4 Ways to Build Your Tolerance of Ambiguity—and Your Global Career 
4 Ways to Build Your Tolerance of Ambiguity—and Your Global Career
by Paula Caligiuri, Ph.D.
Even if your tolerance of ambiguity is lower, there are proven ways to build this important…
How To Use Family Stories To Build Young People's Resilience
How To Use Family Stories To Build Young People's Resilience
by Mary J. Cronin, Ph.D.
One approach that addresses the challenges families face today comes down to a familiar but often…

MOST READ

Is Your Bedroom Sacred?
Is Your Bedroom Sacred? Honoring Your Personal Sanctuary
by Jon Robertson
The bedroom is home to our prayers and dreams, our solitude and sexuality. In this inner sanctum,…
Age of Pisces to Age of Aquarius
Transitioning from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius
by Ray Grasse
The Age of Aries brought an awakening of the outwardly directed ego, but the more feminine Piscean…
4 Ways to Build Your Tolerance of Ambiguity—and Your Global Career 
4 Ways to Build Your Tolerance of Ambiguity—and Your Global Career
by Paula Caligiuri, Ph.D.
Even if your tolerance of ambiguity is lower, there are proven ways to build this important…
3 Ways Music Educators Can Help Students With Autism Develop Their Emotions
3 Ways Music Educators Can Help Students With Autism Develop Their Emotions
by Dawn R. Mitchell White, University of South Florida
Many children with autism struggle to find the words to express how they feel. But when it comes to…
Domestic Violence: Calls For Help Have Increased – But The Answers Haven't Gotten Any Easier
Domestic Violence: Calls For Help Have Increased – But The Answers Haven't Gotten Any Easier
by Tara N. Richards and Justin Nix, University of Nebraska Omaha
Experts expected the increase in domestic violence victims seeking help last year (2020). Victims…
At What Age Are People Usually Happiest? New Research Offers Surprising Clues
At What Age Are People Usually Happiest? New Research Offers Surprising Clues
by Clare Mehta, Emmanuel College
If you could be one age for the rest of your life, what would it be? Would you choose to be nine…
Viking DNA And The Pitfalls Of Genetic Ancestry Tests
Viking DNA and The Pitfalls of Genetic Ancestry Tests
by Anna Källén, Stockholm University and Daniel Strand, Uppsala University
According to recent estimates, over 26 million people from across the world have purchased a…
How Reactivating Traumatic Memories Could Reduce Their Impact
How Reactivating Traumatic Memories Could Reduce Their Impact
by Caitlin Clark, Texas AM
Researchers could be a step closer to finding a way to reduce the impact of traumatic memories,…

New Attitudes - New Possibilities

InnerSelf.comClimateImpactNews.com | InnerPower.net
MightyNatural.com | WholisticPolitics.com
Copyright ©1985 - 2021 InnerSelf Publications. All Rights Reserved.