Aligning with Life and Living Within the Cycles

For most of my childhood, one of my favorite sayings was “It’s not fair!” As an adult, I continued to believe life should go the way I wanted it to go. When it did, I was happy. When it didn’t, I was miserable. Without realizing it, I had adopted a model of conditional happiness.

I carried this “it isn’t fair” attitude with me into college, politics, and relationships, where it started morphing into a new belief: “If I just did things right, everything would go as it was supposed to.” (I mean, that sounds fair, doesn’t it?)

When I couldn’t control the external world, I tried to make things better by transferring the sense of “Life isn’t right when . . .” to “I’m not right unless . . .” Then all I had to do was fix myself. The problem was that what I considered to be “right” was an illusionary image of perfection that changed depending on what I thought people around me wanted me to be.

Trying to Follow the Rules

As you can imagine, this created all sorts of suffering. I brought the belief “I’m not right unless . . .” to everything I did, trying to follow the rules so I could be accepted and loved.

In college when I was immersed in politics and fighting for justice, there was one set of unspoken rules for how I needed to look and act to be “right”: Wear long skirts and a T-shirt with slogans. No bra. Have long hair. Judge and condemn anyone not on our side. Be angry and rail against the establishment.


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Later, I embraced spirituality, and there was a different set of unspoken rules: Love everyone. Wear loose, flowing clothing and lots of sacred jewelry. Have faith. Always be kind and generous and selfless. Help others.

When we try to be who we believe we are supposed to be, or try to always follow the rules—spoken and unspoken agreements—without awareness, our actions are aligned with fear. No matter how fabulous the organization, community, religion, spirituality, family, relationship, or business, we bring our fear of not being accepted, of being abandoned, of needing to do it “right.”

The result is trying to contort ourselves to fit an image. The message we tell ourselves remains the same: You are not right the way you are. We align with who we think we should be, rather than with who we are.

And this focus on how we should be on the outside basically makes us crazy, unhappy, and confused on the inside.

Shifting Away From Being A Judgmental Jailer of My Spirit

During my apprenticeship with don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements, I became immersed in the Toltec teachings of his family. The Toltec teachings show us a pathway to freedom by encouraging us to question all our agreements so we can shift from being judgmental jailers of our spirit to artists of our spirit.

As Allan Hardman writes in The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book (pronouns changed to the feminine):

"As an artist of the spirit, the Toltec of today knows there are no rules she must follow, no belief system she is required to embrace, and no leaders to obey. She seeks complete freedom from fear, and absolute surrender to love and acceptance. The modern Toltec discovers a happiness that is the result of love and acceptance flowing out of her, and she knows there is an endless supply of love—it is her nature to love. She embraces life, and dances in joy and gratitude for every moment of her existence. This is the Toltec path and this is the modern spiritual warrior—an artist of the spirit."

The truth is simple: Life is perfectly imperfect, unpredictable, and unexplainable. Our job is to consciously choose what we are aligning with and then let go, and dance in joy and gratitude for every moment of existence.

Honoring the Cycles of Life

The choice comes down to fear versus love. Do you want to struggle with what should be, or show up to flow with what is in this moment? When we honor the cycles of life we learn to love and learn from all the textures, from the rough edges to the silky smooth synchronicities.

We are all works in progress. While I am not always able to have faith when things are difficult, when I do my life flows with grace and joy and ease. And I’ve learned that when I am in struggle, like I was over the end of my marriage, being kind and gentle to myself as I practice letting go creates more space for surrender than fierce judgment.

Change is natural. As we honor the flows of life—birth and death, coming together and splitting apart—and look for the beauty in both the flourishing, bright flower and  in the fading, browning bloom, we find balance and acceptance.

Aligning with All of Life All the Time

Life flows, swiftly bringing change and growth. When we align with life, we choose to align with all of life, not just the parts we like or are comfortable with—and not just when everything goes our way.

Aligning with life means truly knowing and accepting that aging, death, sickness, natural disasters, accidents, humans and their wacky ways—all these things are bound to alter our course. Aligning with life means understanding that you cannot control the cycles of nature.

We cause our own suffering, not because life is so big and unpredictable, but because we are attached to our desires and expectations. Cyclical living teaches us to embrace the ups and downs of life. Through tapping the truth we learn to go beneath our own preferences and dreams to understand the natural cycles of the rising and falling away of all things. We learn to take nothing personally, especially not the force of life.

This is quite a dance! As we come more and more into our center we learn to find the balance of personal will and sacred surrender. We begin to know what it is we want, and put our energy 100 percent behind our will. And at the same time we must surrender to the truth that the Universe is much, much bigger than we are! If we try to demand that our needs get met, or feel victimized if we do not get our way, we fall back into on old dream that we can control everything around us.

The idea that we can control the people and things around us is an illusion. Occasionally when we force our will onto a situation we get our desired outcome, so we buy into the false belief that we have control. But truly, the only way to be authentically centered is to see the ebb and flow of life not from your personal wants, but from the point of view of life itself.

Life does not personally punish people or seek to cause suffering; it simply moves. It is only when we claim life should look this way or that way that we limit ourselves and suffer. From the big point of view, the death of a child or the devastation of a hurricane is as much a part of life as the beauty of a sunset or falling in love.

This lesson is much easier to think about than to embody, as it means radically shifting our perception of the world and our place in it. It means moving beyond the victim-judge duality, the voices of, “Oh, I have no power, there is no hope and no point in life,” or “I can create anything I want to and never feel any yucky emotions or unpleasant experiences.” Between these two places is a point of humility and grace and great faith.

To align with life in this way, we start by following the wisdom of our ancestors and shifting from modern-day “linear living” back to a more natural and calm “cyclical living.”

Living within the Cycles

Linear living is goal-oriented and filled with expectations. We live linearly when we believe that if we do A and then B and then we will arrive at D. Or, when we expect something to already be done. Impatience, judgment, stress, and frustration can be the result of too much linear living and thinking.

While there are plenty of places that linear thinking is invaluable (such as balancing your checkbook, following a specific recipe, or organizing a large business project), living life as if it were predictably linear is a huge hindrance to creativity, joy, and sanity.

As a young adult, I rebelled against both linear and cyclical thought. I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I didn’t want to follow logical steps, or be patient and honor the cycles. But life has a way of showing us that following the “right” steps does not guarantee an outcome.

Linear Thinking as a Tool, Not a Lifestyle

I’ve learned that linear thinking is best held as a tool within the flow of life’s natural cycles, rather than a lifestyle. When we try to force life into a logical, linear framework, we suffer. When we open to the wisdom of cyclical ebb and flow, like our ancestors did, we thrive. In ancient times, individuals and communities shared in the cyclical changes of nature by gathering to celebrate the equinoxes and solstices. Every part of the cycle, from recent deaths to new births, was honored.

Remember, you cannot control life. It unfolds in unexpected ways. While life doesn’t always go the way you would like it to, your power comes not from how strongly you can resist what you don’t like, but in how calmly and serenely you align yourself with life’s challenges. And a big part of this is learning to balance intent and surrender. This means knowing when to take action for something you believe in or want, and knowing when to let go and trust the flow.

In recognizing and aligning with the cycles rather than fighting them, we understand that going with the flow of life is not a sign of weakness, but rather strength. There are gifts to be received in every one of the “low points” in these cycles if we are willing and able to see them.

*Subtitles added by InnerSelf

©2014 by HeatherAsh Amara. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Hierophant Publishing.
Dist. by Red Wheel/Weiser, Inc. www.redwheelweiser.com

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Warrior Goddess Training: Become the Woman You Are Meant to Be by HeatherAsh Amara.Warrior Goddess Training: Become the Woman You Are Meant to Be
by HeatherAsh Amara.

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About the Author

HeatherAsh Amara, author of "Warrior Goddess Training: Become the Woman You Are Meant to Be"HeatherAsh Amara is the founder of Toci -- the Toltec Center of Creative Intent, based in Austin, TX, which fosters local and global community that supports authenticity, awareness, and awakening. She is dedicated to inspiring depth, creativity, and joy by sharing the most potent tools from a variety of world traditions. HeatherAsh studied and taught extensively with don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, and continues to teach with the Ruiz family. She is the author of several books: Warrior Goddess Training, The Toltec Path of Transformation, and is the co-author of No Mistakes: How You Can Change Adversity into Abundance. Visit her website warriorgoddess.com

Watch a video: The Feminine Aspects of Spirituality: A Cross-Tradition Dialogue and Exploration

Watch an interview with HeatherAsh: How to be strong while being vulnerable