Most of us think of blame as the melodramatic pointing of a long, crooked finger towards one who has done scandalous wrong. Yet we're actually into blame just about every waking moment of our days. From weather, to rude drivers, to toothpaste caps, we blame from sunup 'til sundown and never think a thing about it.
Oh sure, more times than not we're probably justified in our accusations, but so what! There's not an ounce of well-being that can squeak through the low, thick vibration of blame, whether it's justified or not.
In fact, the electromagnetic energy of blame is so potently charged as it flows from us to others, it can cause those who are usually fairly dependable to mess up all over the place. And for sure, sending blame-energy to someone who's been nasty, stupid, abusive or drunk only amplifies the condition you'd like to see changed.
Switching From Blame to Appreciation
Some friends who had their luggage put on a wrong flight were fuming and stewing for hours at their hotel over the inefficiency of the airline. Their important luggage, which had been seen but had now vanished, was so completely lost, no one even knew where to start looking. Finally, my friends realized what they were doing, and switched to appreciating the usually competent employees they'd been berating. Within minutes -- minutes! -- they received the call that the luggage was found and would be delivered within the hour.
Prior to their change of attitude, the buckets of angry, blameful energy they were sending out was causing the airline workers to turn a minor incident into a snarled-up mess.
A lender to whom I had submitted a loan called to tell me they couldn't find an important original paper I knew I had sent. As I was crabbing over the incompetence of their staff, the phone calls kept getting worse. More stuff missing, more facts not properly documented, more problems, problems, problems. The more I knee-jerked into fuming blame, the more this thing was falling apart right before my eyes.
Then I realized what I was doing, switched to appreciation for the normally efficient personnel, and in less than fifteen minutes they called to apologize. Everything was there; the loan had been approved.
A participant in one of my seminars couldn't stop blaming her husband for what she perceived to be the cause of their twins' stuttering. After the seminar, she reluctantly agreed to undertake a program of brief hubby-appreciation periods daily. She called about six months later to tell me how difficult that had been at first, but as she got into the swing of it, she learned to catch herself at the onset of a blame bout and get her valve open enough to flow some appreciation to the girls, as well as to her husband.
As of the last phone call, both of the girls had nearly returned to normal speech. I don't know what happened to poor hubby.
The point is, the energy of blame always makes a bad situation worse. Always!
Adding Energy to Anything Makes It Bigger
Let's say there's a bunch of things in a partnership we don't like, some big, some just trivial little things we might even think we're ignoring. But "little" does not exist, and "little" is usually our biggest problem. If something is big enough for us to label, even if that label is "little," there's no way we can say we're ignoring it or accepting it. We're focusing on the bloody thing, so obviously, we're flowing energy to it and making it bigger.
The bottom line is that if we're bothered by something, whether our being bothered is justified or not, we're attracting negatively; that's the way of it! It may be only a mild annoyance over clothes hung backwards. Or it may be as terrible as the fear of abuse. But regardless of the emotional intensity, that negative attention to "what is" will always cause even greater problems, because that's the script we're writing.
Is It You or Is It Them?
True, we can't paint on another's canvas if they don't want it painted on. If someone doesn't want to change, writing a new script or appreciating probably won't accomplish much except get our own valve open. In fact, once we're flowing that kind of energy, the strong possibility exists that the other guy may buck like a spurred yearling and not want any part of whatever it is we're offering, which could well mean we might be looking at a pulling apart.
That's magnetics. If you're with someone who strongly desires not to change, and you do, universal physics will probably split you up and keep you that way. Yes, that may sound fearful, but ask yourself why you'd want to stay with someone who creates their life through negative energy flow?
So never mind your partner's valve. In fact, never mind your partner! Take your focus off of what's going on around you and insist to yourself that you get your own valve open any way you can, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!
The only way you'll ever have a relationship the way you'd like it to be is to script it that way and stay with that script until it comes about, either with this partner or another with whom you're in greater vibrational harmony (which means, if you haven't already guessed, being a whole lot happier).
We Get to Choose Which Plant We Water & Feed
If you're a silent sufferer, as I was, good luck. Whatever it is you're suffering over is growing like an overfed weed. Same thing if you're a controller, nagger, worrier, or people-pleaser. You have to take your focus OFF whatever it is that's closing your valve and put it ON to what you want in life. In other words, take your focus off your Don't Wants, put it on your Wants and keep it there.
If you've got a drunk on your hands, open your valve and write your new script.
If you've got an unemployed partner on your hands, open your valve and write your new script.
If the two of you are fighting over money, open your valve and write your new script.
Start talking with your partner about what you want and why, not what you don't want and why.
I know, I'm sounding very cavalier about this, like there was nothing to this business of ignoring the actions of some jackass who you're sure is responsible for making your life miserable. Blame is our game, and pointing the finger back on ourselves has always seemed so pointless.
Am I Playing the Blame Game?
In the middle of writing this chapter, I took a break to go do some grocery shopping and maybe go to the steam bath to clear my head. I wanted to leave the subject behind for a while to make sure I was touching all bases. Leave it behind? Oh sure!
As I was driving to the store, I started a rather nasty inner dialogue with the folks who were renting the little house on my property. They had been unable to pay the rent for a couple of months, and my focus on that nonpayment was becoming all-consuming, to say the least. And anyhow, the car was a great place to fume, so I was going on and on with all these phony undertones of compassion and understanding. Frankly, I was boiling, yet totally oblivious to what I was creating with my vibrations. And here I am writing about it, for Pete's sake!
Fortunately, it was my cantankerous mood in the supermarket that woke me up. Just as I reached for the dog food, it dawned on me how snarly I felt. I asked myself: "What's bothering me?" and in an instant realized it was my focus on the lackful conditions of my tenants.
At first I was annoyed at myself, then even more annoyed that I didn't feel like getting out of my mood. I finished my shopping and headed straight for the steam room, easing myself bit my bit into a better mood as I drove, so that by the time I hit the steam, I was ready to write a new script.
Writing a New Script and Changing the Whole Picture
First, a little appreciation: "Nice kids, pleasant to have around." Not exactly rah rah, but better than where I had been. I could feel my resistance simmering down ... a little.
"Thank goodness they were there to take care of the dogs while I was away. No other tenants have ever done that. And no other tenants have ever offered to help with the annual house painting touch-up like they did." That felt better.
"And they really do love their place, and have it fixed so cute." By now, my valve was open enough for me to start the new script, so I headed for the empty pool where I could quietly talk out loud without being stared at.
"You both just got new jobs? Wow! That's fantastic! I'm truly happy for you. I know you've been wanting to buy some new furniture, so now you'll be able to do that."
On and on I went, painting the picture I wanted, backing off when I'd go too far and it didn't feel comfortable, pushing ahead when it felt good.
It wasn't ten minutes after I got home that the kids came over beaming from ear to ear. Not a new permanent job yet, but they had found an ongoing means to pay me, starting immediately! Fast action, to say the least!
Though they had been abundantly aware of their inability to pay me, their primary focus was on their love of the place and all the ways they intended to fix it up, not on their lack of money, so we had a vibrational match -- theirs and mine. If they had been focused fearfully, all the appreciation in the world wouldn't have made a bit of difference.
Editor's Note: The above process can also be used if we are the one being blamed. The appreciative thoughts can be directed toward the person doing the blaming.
* Subtitles by InnerSelf
Reprinted with permission of the publisher,
Hampton Roads. ©2000. http://www.hrpub.com
Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting, Expanded Study Edition: The Astonishing Power of Feelings
by Lynn Grabhorn.
Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting asks you to stop second guessing yourself and start believing in what you can achieve through the power of positive feelings. Have you ever been so wrapped up in day-to-day life that you stop paying attention to how you're feeling? Something goes wrong and you blame other people. The key to getting back on the right track is simple: focus inward, on what it would feel like to have it all go right. And it will.
Info/Order this book (newer edition, different cover). Also available as a Kindle edition.
Lynn Grabhorn is also the author of:
The Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting Playbook
by Lynn Grabhorn.
This witty and practical guide to Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting is no ordinary workbook. The Playbook takes readers well beyond the basic ground rules of deliberate creation as laid out in Excuse Me--in a uniquely entertaining manner, this is a workbook for empowerment with clearly focused explanations, discussion material, meditations, and exercises that are essential building blocks for a new way of being. Isn't it worth a little work to have the life you've always wanted?
Info/Order this book (Revised edition). Also available as a Kindle edition.
About the Author
Lynn Grabhorn was a long-time student of the way in which thought and feelings format our lives. Lynn's first book, Beyond the Twelve Steps, along with her sweeping multimedia program, Life Course 101, have received high acclaim from all corners of the world. Lynn passed on to another state of being in May of 2004. Her farewell message can be seen at: http://www.wisdomcd.com/lynngrabhorn.cfm. You may wish to visit the http://www.excusemecourse.com/ website as well.