Illustration from Wikimedia.
Sometimes our perceptions can get us into trouble. What appears so clearly to be our reality may not be real at all. Or it may be partially correct, but not the whole picture. We humans have a tendency to interpret our partial experiences as the whole truth and ignore other people's partial experiences. How brave of us to actually consider that we may be partially right and may have partial information.
This reminds me of the classic Indian story: A group of blind (or rather, “sight challenged”) men heard that a strange animal, called an elephant, had been brought to the town, but none of them were aware of its shape and form. Out of curiosity, they said, “We must inspect and know it by touch.” So, they sought it out, and when they found it they groped about it. The first person, whose hand landed on the trunk, said, “This being is like a thick snake.” For another one whose hand reached its ear, it seemed like a kind of fan. As for another person, whose hand was upon its leg, said the elephant is a pillar like a tree-trunk. The blind man who placed his hand upon its side said, “An elephant is a wall.” Another who felt its tail, described it as a rope. The last felt its tusk, stating the elephant is that which is hard, smooth and like a spear.
In one version of the story, the men become so attached to their perception of the elephant that they get into a fight with each other. And that’s exactly what happened to Joyce and I recently. This is humbling and embarrassing for me to tell, but it’s so perfect a blunder that I must share it.
The Drum Beats On
We were nearing the end of our Hawaii Couple’s Retreat. It was around 6:30 in the morning and we were doing our stretches on the little lanai outside our cottage. Joyce, perhaps fifteen feet away, happened to check her Facebook account on her phone and saw a video of our son speaking. She clicked on the video, afraid that she would never find it again if she didn’t watch it in that moment as we had such limited reception.
On my side of the lanai, I heard muffled talking and, simultaneously, drum beating coming from Joyce’s direction. It was disturbing to me, and I was concerned about waking the neighbors close to us. I called out to Joyce to please turn down the volume. She responded, “Barry, it’s John-Nuri giving a message. I want to listen to it now.”
I felt irritated. “Joyce, it’s bothering me. It’s just noise coming from your phone. Turn it down.” This time, I left out the “please.”
Meanwhile, Joyce did turn the volume down, and had the phone pressed against her ear to be able to hear.
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I could no longer hear the muffled voice, but the sound of the drumbeat coming from her direction was still upsetting. I lost my temper. “Joyce, I can’t believe you’re being so inconsiderate! I would never do this to you!
The video ended a few seconds later, and she turned off her phone.
I was still upset at the sound of the drumbeat coming from her way. I told her so.
She called out, “My phone is off. Do you mean the drumming coming from the retreat center?”
It was like I was driving too fast to make such an abrupt turn. My anger was on a roll. I felt embarrassed and foolish. I grumbled, “Sorry,” with way too much of a sharp edge.
Joyce wasn’t having any of it, and turned away from me to finish her stretches as the drumbeat continued.
It took me a full minute to settle down and swallow my foolish pride. I got up, walked over to Joyce, lay down next to her, vulnerably apologized, and then offered to hold her. She graciously accepted and all was well.
A Divine Setup
We like to refer to this kind of situation as a “divine setup.” The universe seems to arrange a “perfect storm,” just in case we place too much trust in our perceptions. It’s always some kind of test.
I imagine the angels having a conversation that morning, “Hmmm. You hear that drumbeat perfectly aligned so it sounds like it’s coming from Joyce’s phone?”
“Yes, perfect. Let’s see how Barry handles that one.”
“Oops, not so well. Oh, wait, at least now he’s sincerely apologizing.”
A Deeper Level of Vulnerability
I remember the first ten-day intensive we had shortly after building our HomeCenter. The workshop went so deep, and participants became so vulnerable that, every day, I said or did something that ended up hurting someone’s feelings. Then that person had to take a risk and confront me in front of the group. And I had to take the risk of apologizing, which then led to a whole deeper level of vulnerability.
Each person I hurt ended up thanking me for inadvertently exposing a deeper layer of healing for them. Seems like I was used as an instrument of healing even though I was largely unaware of it. I can’t say that it was loads of fun, but the deep growth for all of us was definitely worth it.
Questioning Our Perceptions
It can be healthy to question our perceptions, rather than just assuming they’re correct. Our egos hang on to what seems real. Egos have instantaneous attachment to what our eyes seem to be seeing, what our ears seem to be hearing, and what all our senses seem to be telling us. But we are more than our egos.
There is a deeper, more spiritual reality that may be telling us everything is not merely as it seems. It may require a moment’s pause to get past assumptions. Had I paused a moment to ask myself if Joyce has even one inconsiderate bone in her body, I would have smiled to myself and said no. I know she’s probably the most considerate person I have ever known.
Book by this Author
To Really Love a Woman
by Barry and Joyce Vissell.
How does a woman really need to be loved? How can her partner help to bring out her deepest passion, her sensuality, her creativity, her dreams, her joy, and at the same time allow her to feel safe, accepted and appreciated? This book gives tools to the readers to more deeply honor their partners.
About the Author(s)
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA. They are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk To Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant To Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 21-26, 2019 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Sep 24-30, 2019 — Assisi Retreat, Italy; and Jun 7-14, 2020 — Shared Heart Alaska Cruise For further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org.
Two Recent Books (2018) by the Vissells:
To Really Love a Woman
by Barry and Joyce Vissell.
How does a woman really need to be loved? How can her partner help to bring out her deepest passion, her sensuality, her creativity, her dreams, her joy, and at the same time allow her to feel safe, accepted and appreciated? This book gives tools to the readers to more deeply honor their partners. Although these writings refer mostly to heterosexual women and men, there is a wealth of information for LGBTQ. Our focus, after all, is how to deeply love another person, whether it be a man or a woman.
To Really Love a Man
by Joyce and Barry Vissell.
How does a man really need to be loved? How can his partner help to bring out his sensitivity, his emotions, his strength, his fire, and at the same time allow him to feel respected, secure, and acknowledged? This book gives tools to the readers to more deeply honor their partners. Although these writings refer mostly to heterosexual women and men, there is a wealth of information for LGBTQ. Our focus, after all, is how to deeply love another person, whether it be a man or a woman.
More books by these authors