When I was growing up, I was basically allowed to express one feeling, and I had to go to my room to do it. When I came out of my room, I was expected to feel “better,” even if I didn’t. The basic message was that feelings were to be barely tolerated and best kept hidden. I knew I had a lot of feelings, and they made themselves known to me in lots of ways -- some overt and some covert.
I eventually created an “Inner Feelings Care System” to manage and care for my feelings, which is an immense benefit for feeling better a lot more often, no matter what is happening in your life. I’ve mentored many people in how to use this system in their lives.
Feelings: A Powerful Compass and Tool
Your feelings are a powerful compass to guide you and can be used as an effective foundation for evoking cooperation in others. Being aware of your feelings will make it easier to make joyful decisions with a significant other and to move the relationship forward together with love instead of fear. It will make it easier not to fall into a role (such as “the good wife” or “the good mother”) that doesn’t fit you.
When you learn how to care for your feelings, you’ll recognize when you or an intimate other is heading toward a hurtful situation before your feelings become intense. This can prevent significant conflicts that would be more difficult to resolve.
Attending To and Managing Feelings
Most people don’t know how to attend to and manage their feelings. This can and does result in angry outbursts, poor work performance, ineffective parenting, lack of loving feelings, or just simply feeling bad. Our feelings affect us every day, and untended feelings capture our attention and consistently drain our energy for living life joyfully.
Our feelings can sometimes be temporarily put aside as we work or do other activities but will come to us for attention right after we’ve finished whatever we had to do. And then we’re often tired or distracted and try to ignore our feelings — which never works.
Most people don’t tend to their feelings along the way during the day. For example, if you feel worried and try to ignore a feeling, it just gets louder and larger. Louder and larger looks like this: you feel frustrated with your partner, then have an upset at work, then wake up at 3 am in despair. Your untended feelings are at the root of any emotional disturbance.
Another common strategy people use is to try to avoid, deny, or repress their feelings. This doesn’t work either. People often try sedating feelings with food or anesthetizing them with alcohol. They may try to outrun them with over-achievement or excessive activities, or just say, “fine,” when they don’t feel that way at all.
Also, most people don’t know how to have or hold multiple feelings simultaneously. For example, you might feel glad to be going to visit your mother, sad that she’s in declining health, angry that your sister isn’t doing more, worried about how you will manage it all, and hopeless about the whole situation. Many people get overwhelmed with multiple feelings and just try to turn them all off.
Caring For and Sharing Your Feelings
Many times it’s not convenient or possible to share your feelings with the people involved in evoking them. They might be busy, unavailable, or even unwilling to hear your feelings. It is also best not to blast pent-up feelings onto others. It’s always possible to acknowledge your feelings to yourself, tend to them, and feel better or differently before you interact with other people.
When you actively care for your feelings, you can more effectively communicate what you want in ways others can hear. You can also then use your feelings to help evoke cooperation from others.
Luckily, all our feelings just want some love and attention and will respond swiftly to just a tiny bit of focused care. Giving yourself permission to express and care for your feelings will significantly amplify your ability to feel good more of the time.
Inner Feelings Care System
The Inner Feelings Care System is an effective way to take charge of your feelings rather than being overwhelmed by them. Using this powerful yet simple system, you’ll learn to identify and express your feelings and then transform them to multiply and expand feelings of goodness and love in your life and relationships.
1. Express
Write, “I FEEL __________________ ABOUT__________________,” across the top of a piece of paper. (You can use recycled paper for this or write on a computer or even your phone.) Then make a fast list of sentences about everything you can think of that applies, from the tiniest to the largest things. Don’t stop to reread or punctuate — just keep writing. You are expressing your feelings on the page. Add as many feelings and adjectives as apply to you in this moment. Focus on the negative or challenging emotions.
For example:
I hate my neighbor.
I hate the way she slams the door.
I’m afraid I can’t get peace.
I’m afraid she will fight with me and not stop if I tell her.
I’m enraged by her thoughtlessness.
I feel helpless to change this.
My neighbor is stupid and insensitive.
Use profanity or exclamation points. Let yourself get very theatrical. Fully express how you feel on the paper or screen. Don’t hold back. Express until you don’t have another negative feeling in your head or body. When you first start this process, you might write five to eight pages. Feel free to customize what you’re doing. For example, if you would rather not get theatrical, don’t, until or unless you feel ready. Let your feelings be your guide.
2. Release
A few minutes into writing your fast list, you’ll begin to feel the release of these feelings, because they’re moving out of your head and onto the paper or screen — a transformational process is occurring with them.
You can highlight this by looking at what you have written and saying, “I see you, I hear you, I acknowledge you.” Then fold up your paper or close the file and imagine sending it to the universe, or God, or whoever you think is larger than you.
3. Relief
The expressing and releasing you’ve done with mind, body, and spirit will naturally lead to relief. You’re feeling this relief because we’re not meant to carry around or have unexpressed feelings inside our heads.
Get quiet and take a moment to feel this relief. If you aren’t feeling relief, either go back to step 1 or write some positive thoughts about the situation. For example:
* My neighbor is thoughtful in other ways.
* We’ve always been cordial.
* She would like to be a good neighbor.
* She’s preoccupied with other things and doesn’t notice the loud door.
* There has to be some way I can resolve this.
Keep going back to step 1 or writing positive thoughts until you feel relief.
Feelings Respond to Love and Attention
Now let yourself experience the relief as you go about your day and interact with others. We want you to know that your feelings don’t have heads. A feeling only knows how to feel. Your feelings will not respond to desperate pleas or bribes. Your feelings will respond to your love and attention.
You can do your Inner Feelings Care System in a five-minute segment, and this will provide immediate relief and lead to long-term changes. You may also spend 10 to 15 minutes when you first start practicing your Inner Feelings Care System and be able to abbreviate these sessions as you become more experienced — which can happen quite quickly.
Excerpted from the book Succulent Wild Love
©2015 by SARK and Dr. John Waddell.
Printed with permission of New World Library.
www.newworldlibrary.com
Article Source
Succulent Wild Love: Six Powerful Habits for Feeling More Love More Often
by SARK and Dr. John Waddell.
SARK has made a career out of sharing her personal, journal-like writings and art, and inspiring others with her vulnerable and honest journeys toward self-acceptance. She has helped her legions of fans craft lives filled with joy, creativity, and self-love — and she even married herself in a “statement of self-liberation” described in Succulent Wild Woman. And yet SARK had one big secret wish: overcoming her fears to commit to an intimate life partnership. So she embarked on a “Covert Love Operation,” and, after much soul-shaping, it culminated in her meeting psychologist and spiritual teacher Dr. John Waddell — and discovering Succulent Wild Love. They now teach and mentor together using the principles in this book — six powerful habits that can transform any relationship or open you to create the partnership you want.
Click here for more info and/or to order this book.
About the Book's Authors
SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) and Dr. John Waddell are the authors of Succulent Wild Love. SARK is a best-selling author and artist, with sixteen titles in print and well over two million books sold. Dr. John has been helping individuals and couples lead happier lives for over 30 years through his clinical psychology practice and metaphysical teachings. Visit them online at PlanetSARK.com.
