The Power of Partnership
by Riane Eisler
Twenty-five years ago, I stood at a turning point. I had to rethink
everything about my life. I was the single mother of two children, working as a
family attorney, doing research, writing, lecturing, looking for the life
companion I yearned for, grieving over the death of both my parents, not getting
enough sleep, not paying attention to what I ate, pushing myself until I nearly
collapsed. I became so ill that at times I thought I might die. When I walked,
my heart pounded and my breath got so short I had to stop. I hurt everywhere, so
much that I sometimes cried. I finally realized I couldn't go on this way -- I
had to make major changes in my life.
I began with simple things. I stopped taking all the drugs my doctors
prescribed and instead radically changed my diet. I stopped eating the rich
foods and pastries of my Viennese childhood: no more apple strudel and Sacher
torte, more vegetables and fruits. I realized that I carried a great deal of
pain that I had to process if I was going to heal. I began to meditate. I found
a wonderful therapist. I became more accepting of myself and found new joy in my
relations with others, particularly those closest to me.
I also began to think seriously about what I wanted to do with the rest of my
life. I gave up my law practice and devoted myself to what I really wanted to
do. For ten years, I researched a book I called The
Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future, which was published
in 1987. It was a rereading of Western history going back over thirty thousand
years. It showed that what we think of as natural and inevitable -- destructive
personal and social patterns such as domestic violence, chronic warfare, racial
and religious prejudice, the domination of women by men -- are not natural or
inevitable at all.
Writing this book changed me and changed my life. The Chalice and the Blade
became a best-seller translated into seventeen languages, but more significant
for me was that I now saw clearly that the problems in my life were part of a
much larger problem. As it turned out, thousands of readers felt the same.
Letters poured in, and continue to pour in. I had hoped, naturally, to touch
people. But I was astonished by the powerful response to The Chalice and the
Blade -- especially how women and men worldwide said it was empowering them to
transform their lives. The knowledge that I was able to make this kind of
contribution gave a whole new meaning and purpose to my life.
So while I didn't know it at the time, the turning point I faced twenty-five
years ago -- and the changes I then began to make -- eventually led to the
fulfillment of dreams I hadn't even let myself dream and of potentials I would
not otherwise have realized.
You too may have been at such a turning point at some time in your life. You
may be at one now. Perhaps, as I did, you suspect there must be a better way to
live, that your life can be filled with more passion, joy, satisfaction, and
love. You may also suspect something even more fundamental: that today we all
stand at a turning point when changes in how we view our world and how we live
in it are more important than they have ever been before.
As the new reality of our lives demonstrates, the self can't be helped in
isolation. All of us are always in relationship -- and not just with the people
in our immediate circle, in our families and at work. We are affected by a much
wider web of relationships swirling around us and impacting every aspect of our
lives.
If we don't pay attention to these less immediate relationships, then just
trying to fix ourselves alone is like trying to go up on a down elevator. No
matter what we do, we're trapped and headed in the wrong direction. Many people
are beginning to realize this, as they go from self-help book to self-help book
and workshop to workshop. Certainly working on ourselves is essential. But it is
not enough.
We all want to be healthy, safe, and happy. We want this for ourselves, and
we especially want it for our children. We work hard so we can send them to
college and leave them well-provided financially. But, in our time when so much
is happening we wish we didn't have to think about, many of us are beginning to
realize that much more is needed. The Power of Partnership deals with the seven
key relationships that make up our lives. First, our relationship with
ourselves. Second, our intimate relationships. Third, our workplace and
community relations. Fourth, our relationship with our national community.
Fifth, international and multicultural relationships. Sixth, our relationship
with nature and the living environment. And seventh, our spiritual relations.
There are two fundamentally different models for all these relationships: the
partnership model and the domination model. These two underlying models mold all
our relationships -- from relationships between parents and children and between
women and men to the relations between governments and citizens and between us
and nature. As you learn to recognize these two models, you will see how both
individually and collectively we can influence what happens to us and around us.
As you learn to move relationships toward the partnership model, you will begin
to make positive changes in your day-to-day life and our world.
While the terms domination model and partnership model may not be familiar to
you, you've probably already noticed the difference between these two ways of
relating -- but lacked names for your insight. When we lack language for an
insight, it's hard to hold on to it, much less use it. Before Newton identified
gravity, apples fell off trees all the time but people had no name or
explanation for what was happening. The partnership and domination models not
only give us names for different ways of relating but also an explanation for
what lies behind these differences.
In the domination model, somebody has to be on top and somebody has to be on
the bottom. Those on top control those below them. People learn, starting in
early childhood, to obey orders without question. They learn to carry a harsh
voice in their heads telling them they're no good, they don't deserve love, they
need to be punished. Families and societies are based on control that is
explicitly or implicitly backed up by guilt, fear, and force. The world is
divided into in-groups and out-groups, with those who are different seen as
enemies to be conquered or destroyed.
In contrast, the partnership model supports mutually respectful and caring
relations. Because there is no need to maintain rigid rankings of control, there
is also no built-in need for abuse or violence. Partnership relations free our
innate capacity to feel joy, to play. They enable us to grow mentally,
emotionally, and spiritually. This is true for individuals, families, and whole
societies. Conflict is an opportunity to learn and to be creative, and power is
exercised in ways that empower rather than disempower others.
Remember how the father treated his children in the movie The
Sound of Music? When Baron von Trapp (Christopher Plummer) blows his
police whistle and his children line up in front of him, stiff as boards, you
see the domination model in action. When the new nanny (Julie Andrews) comes
into the picture and the children relax, enjoy themselves, and learn to trust
themselves and each other, you see the partnership model in action. When von
Trapp becomes much happier and closer to his children, you see what happens as
we begin to shift from domination to partnership.
You may have worked for a boss who watches every little thing you do, who's
afraid that if you don't follow orders to the letter everything will fall apart,
who has to be in full control all the time. This is how the domination model
manifests itself in management. If you work for someone who inspires you and
facilitates your work, who gives you both guidelines and leeway, and encourages
you to use your own judgment and creativity, you've experienced what happens
when organizations begin to move away from the domination model toward the
partnership model.
If your spouse abuses you emotionally or physically, you're in a dominator
marriage. If you're in a relationship that gives you and your partner the
freedom to be fully authentic and at the same time mutually supportive, you're
experiencing partnership at home.
The famous "horse whisperer"
Monty Roberts applies the partnership model to how he relates to
horses. When Roberts "gentles" rather than "breaks" a young horse, he is using
the partnership model. He does not force horses to obey using violence and
inflicting pain (the domination model). Instead, he partners with them in
learning -- and these horses regularly win races all over the world. They are
also a pleasure to ride, because they are your trusted and trusting friends
rather than your fearful and hostile adversaries.
If you look at the difference between people's lives in Norway and Saudi
Arabia, you see how the partnership and domination models play out on the
national level. In Saudi Arabia, where dominator habit patterns and the social
structures that support them are still very strong, women don't even have the
right to drive a car much less vote or hold office, and there is a huge economic
gap between those on top and those on the bottom. By contrast, in the much more
partnership-oriented Norway, a woman can be, and recently was, head of state,
about 40 percent of the parliament is female, and there is a generally high
living standard for all.
You can dramatically see how these two models play out on the international
level when you compare Gandhi's successful nonviolent tactics in dealing with
the British in India with the terrorist tactics of Muslim fundamentalists
against the United States.
No organization, family, or country orients completely to the partnership
model or the domination model: it is always a continuum, a mix more or less one
way or the other. But the degree to which these two models for feeling,
thinking, and acting influence us in one or the other directions affects
everything in our lives -- from our workplaces and communities to our schools
and universities, from our entertainment and health care system to our
governments and our economic systems, from our intimate relations to our
international relations.
HIDDEN HISTORICAL BAGGAGE
The domination model is unpleasant, painful, and counterproductive. Yet, we
live with it and its consequences every day.
Why would anybody want to live like this? I don't think anybody really does,
not even those on top if they stop to consider the huge price they're paying.
But what happens is that when people relate to each other as "superiors" and
"inferiors," they develop beliefs justifying these kinds of relations. They
build social structures that mold relationships to fit this top-down pattern.
And as time rolls on, everybody gets trapped in them, as these ways of relating
are passed on from generation to generation.
Sometimes people blame their parents for their problems. But our parents
didn't invent their habits. They learned them from their parents, who in turn
learned them from earlier generations, going way back in our cultural history.
If we look at this history, we see that many of our habits -- whether in
intimate or international relations -- come from earlier times when everybody
had to learn to obey their "superiors" unquestioningly. In those times, despotic
kings, feudal lords, and chieftains had life and death powers over their
"subjects," as they still do in many parts of our world today.
Think of how only a few hundred years ago, if you balked or back-talked, your
life was in danger. Think of the Inquisition, the witch burnings, and all the
ways people were terrorized in the Middle Ages to instill habits of absolute
obedience. Think of how kings were in the habit of chopping people's heads off,
even those of their wives, as the English king Henry the Eighth did. Think of
how slavery and child labor under the most brutal conditions were legal, and of
how male heads of household also had despotic powers. Think of commands like
"spare the rod and spoil the child" justifying child-beating, of laws that not
so long ago gave husbands the right to beat their wives, of how husbands until
very recent times were given legal ownership of not only their wives' bodies but
also of any property they had or any money they earned.
You might say that was then, and it's different now. Certainly in the United
States we are fortunate to live in a country where despots no longer rule and
the human rights of children, women, and people of color are gradually being
recognized. But even here, the hidden baggage from earlier times still lives on.
Over and over, habits we inherited get in the way of more fulfilling lives and a
better world.
Once we become aware of what we carry unconsciously, we can change. Change
involves two things: awareness and action. As we become more aware of what is
really behind our problems, we can begin changing what we do and how we do it.
But this is a two-way street.
Awareness and action are always in a dance together that takes us farther and
farther from where we started. It's like when we stop eating junk food because
we become aware that, despite all the ads about how good it is, it's bad for us.
When we change this habit, we discover how much healthier we feel, less nervous
and jumpy from all the sugar, stronger, more energetic. This new awareness in
turn leads to other changes, perhaps avoiding foods high in fat, eating more
balanced meals, and getting more exercise.
So new awareness and changed habits go together. As our personal
relationships move toward partnership, the beliefs that guide our behavior
change. As our beliefs start to support partnership rather than dominator
relations, we begin to change the rules for relationships. This in turn helps us
build more partnership-oriented families, workplaces, and communities. We then
begin to change the rules for the wider web of relationships, including economic
and political relations as well as our relationship with our Mother Earth. These
rules, in their turn, support partnership relations all across the board, so
that the upward spiral is given yet another boost.
One of the striking things about history is how many great visionaries,
thinkers, and writers have pointed to exactly what we're looking at here. From
Jesus and Buddha to Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Martin Luther King, Jr., they all
recognized that just working on ourselves is not enough. They point to the road
from the self to society and back again -- that we also have to change the
cultural beliefs and social structures that imprison us in a life we don't want.
In essence, they point us to a partnership spiritual path.
THE TURNING POINT
Martin Luther King, Jr., historical baggage, social structures, international
relations -- these may seem a long way from my life crisis twenty-five years
ago. But they are all related and interrelated.
I know from my own experience that personal change is possible. I know from
my research for The Chalice and the Blade and subsequent books that, in our age
of biological and nuclear technologies, the old dominator ways can lead to
disaster, even to the extinction of our species. I know from my research that
the turmoil of our time, as upsetting and confusing as it is, also offers an
opportunity to make fundamental changes.
As a mother and grandmother, I feel a great urgency to do what I can to help
bring about these changes. The good news is that we don't have to start from
square one. We've already left many dominator beliefs and structures behind and
started to replace them with partnership ones. If we hadn't, I couldn't have
written this book. Nor could you be reading it. This book would have been
burned, and you and I would have been condemned for heresy.
Partnership is already on the move all over the world. In fact, the movement
to shift from domination to partnership in all aspects of our lives -- from the
personal to the political -- is the fastest growing and most powerful movement
in the world today.
Millions of people are going to workshops and seminars to learn how to have
better personal, business, and community relationships. Hundreds of thousands of
grassroots organizations -- from environmental and peace groups to human rights
and economic equity organizations -- are working to create the conditions that
support our deepest strivings for love, safety, sustainability, and meaning. One
of the most important aspects of the partnership movement is the search for
young people for their voice. Indeed, young people are today often in the
forefront of the partnership movement, intuitively manifesting partnership in
their individual and collective actions, in innovations that are sparks for
systems transformations.
Worldwide, the movement toward partnership is at the heart of innumerable
causes with widely differing names, transcending conventional categories such as
capitalism versus communism and religious versus secular. However, we don't read
about this movement in the media because it is not centralized and coordinated
-- and because it has lacked a single unifying name. Without a name, it's almost
as if it didn't exist, despite all the progress around us.
At the same time, there is also powerful resistance to this forward
partnership movement. And there are regressive forces pushing us back toward the
kinds of relationships we have been trying to leave behind. Our future hinges on
the outcome of this still largely invisible struggle. There are those who would
reimpose patterns of domination. Some are terrorists from faraway lands. Others
are in our own nation. And most of us carry inside us dominator habits that get
in the way of the good life we yearn for.
Gandhi said we should not mistake what is habitual for what is natural.
Indeed, changing what is habitual is one of the goals of self-help.
The Power of Partnership is about changing dominator habits -- both personal
and social. It's about small habits and huge habits. It's about the underlying
causes of painful and dysfunctional habits. It's about what you and I can do to
make partnership a reality.
This doesn't mean that every one of us has to do everything. But wherever we
are and whenever we can, every one of us can do something to move us from
domination to partnership.
I know from the joy, imagination, and creativity that are my grandchildren's
natural gifts -- as, given half a chance, they are every child's -- that the
human spirit can soar into as yet unimagined realms of possibility. We have been
endowed by nature with an amazing brain, an enormous capacity for love, a
remarkable creativity, and a unique ability to learn, change, grow, and plan
ahead. We were not born with the unhealthy habits we carry. We had to learn
them. So we can unlearn them, and help others do the same.
We can all learn partnership ways of living. I invite you to join me in the
adventure of creating a way of life where the wonder and beauty latent in every
child can be realized, where the human spirit is liberated, where love can
freely do its magic.
 This article is excerpted from:
The Power of
Partnership
by Riane Eisler.
Reprinted with permission of the
publisher, New World Library, Novato, California, USA. ©2002.
http://www.newworldlibrary.com
or 800-972-6657 ext. 52.
Info/Order this book.
About the Author
Riane Eisler is an internationally renowned
scholar, futurist, and activist. She is the author of
several groundbreaking books,
including The Chalice and the Blade, Tomorrow's Children, and Sacred Pleasure.
She is a charismatic speaker who keynotes conferences worldwide, a consultant to
business and government, and president of the Center for Partnership Studies in
Tucson, Arizona. Visit her website at
http://www.partnershipway.org
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