I'm
Not Lonely Anymore
by
Tracie Ann Robinson
I remember
feeling unloved, under-appreciated, ignored, and lonely.
Lonelier than I ever thought imaginable.
I think the
feelings were heightened because I wasn't supposed to be
feeling them. I was married. These types of feelings aren't
typically used to describe a marriage -- not a good one
anyway.
I didn't get
married because I had to. I married because I thought that was
the next obvious step in my relationship. I thought marriage
would seal a love that would last forever. I figured I'd
never be ignored, disrespected, or feel lonely.
I viewed
marriage like it was some kind of guarantee that I would
always be loved. I'm not sure why I really thought this. I
grew up with two parents that fought faithfully. I knew that
people committed adultery and divorced one another like it was
a fad. I thought mine would be different. I thought wrong.
I never
contributed my unhappiness to being lonely until my divorce. I
remember having a conversation with my ex-husband where he was
trying to convince me that I couldn't make it without him
and that I needed his love.
I told him
that if I remained alone the rest of my life I would never be as
lonely as I was while married to him. He just stood in place
frozen by my words. Ironically I wasn't saying it to hurt
him -- I meant it.
I never want
to feel that kind of loneliness again. Sure I have days where
I miss having someone in my everyday life to share intimacy,
love, and companionship with. Crawling into an empty bed after
a day of doing battle can be lonely. I crave the feeling of a
man's arms wrapped around me or having someone say, "I
love you" and it holding a special meaning than when they
say it to others.
I miss having
someone to take care of and being taken care of in
return.
I miss what I
discover and enjoy about myself when I have someone in my
life.
I miss the
silly moments shared when you let your hair down and can truly
be yourself and they still want you.
I miss what I
never had.
I guess that's
why I felt lonely in my marriage. I think it comes down to
expectations. While I was married I expected to feel loved,
respected, and cherished. But being alone I don't have those
expectations, so I neither feel lonely or frustrated.
I'm trying
to look at this new beginning in my life as exciting and
really get to know who I am and how I can be comfortable with
my own company.
It's helped
me to examine all areas of my life so that I can regain my
balance.
I believe that
what's in front of us is not nearly as important as what's
within us -- and what's within me isn't loneliness
anymore.
Recommended
book:
The
Power of Miracles: Stories of God in the Everyday
by Joan
Wester Anderson.
Info/Order book
About The
Author
Tracie Ann Robinson is a
woman on a mission of self discovery. She was recently divorced having
been married her whole adult life (at the time this article was written she was 31). She is a professional
woman and writes part-time with the goal of sharing her relationship
experience and insights. She has written several
other articles
for InnerSelf Magazine.
She can be reached at:
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