You
own many things. I have asked hundreds of
people over the years to list all of their
important possessions, from top to bottom, and
they all invariably come up with similar
lists. Houses, cars, furniture, stocks... and
other material goods usually rank highly. Then
I tell them that they have overlooked the
number one valuable commodity in their life.
They usually look at me with a blank stare,
because the majority of us do not ever think
of our personal relationship as something to
be owned.
Why is it so difficult to accept the
truth that you are the owner of a
relationship? After all, you initially saw
something that you wanted, took steps to
obtain it, and then made a decision to keep it
in your life. Sounds like a possession to me.
But there's something inherently more complex
about a marriage or long-term committed
relationship that makes it harder to quantify.
Perhaps it's because there is no definite
point when you actually "buy" a relationship.
Maybe it has something to do with the notion
of love and romance, as most of us get caught
up in the notion that we "share" a special
relationship and it would appear greedy to
claim ownership. But whatever the reason, I
have run across few people who
enthusiastically embrace the idea of seeing
themselves as an owner. It's easier to just
let it happen and hope for a good result.
Avoiding the thought that you are responsible
for the relationship also lets you avoid
accepting the blame when something goes
seriously wrong.
Being an owner also carries with it the
responsibility of learning about your product.
Unfortunately, you probably have never read a
set of instructions that accompany your life
relationships. The reason is simple - there is
no instructional manual that covers all of the
various situations that you will encounter as
you put together your own relationship!
If you are lucky, you and your partner
basically agree on the same set of
instructions and the relationship works for
many years. If you are not so lucky, you both
attempt to construct the relationship in very
different ways, and it breaks down. It then
either has to be fixed or thrown on the scrap
pile as unusable. Can this be avoided? Of
course, if you take the time to educate
yourself about the product you own and make it
a top priority.
The Relationship Contract
So it is time to inject a little reality
into your life. You and your partner are
co-owners of what will be known as a "Life
Relationship." As such, you will from this
point be subject to the rules and conditions
of said ownership, including the acceptance of
the following Relationship Contract:
1. The owner shall be charged with the
responsibility of caring for and maintaining
the relationship in good working order, by
exerting whatever effort is needed to
nurture and grow it in positive ways.
2. If a problem arises with the
relationship, the owner will make this his
or her top priority and do whatever is
necessary to make it right.
3. The owner will strive to understand
the reasons for his or her behaviors in the
relationship, and if these actions are
self-destructive, will seek out help.
4. The owner will understand that it
is not selfish to verbalize his or her needs
in the relationship, and expect the co-owner
to at least consider and try to meet these
needs.
5. Instead of blaming the co-owner for
everything that goes wrong during the course
of the relationship, the owner will always
search inside to acknowledge his or her part
in causing the problems.
You may think that the above looks like
some kind of legalese, but you cannot escape
the fact that a successful relationship is
grounded in these conditions. Simply stated,
those who accept these truths will greatly
increase their odds at an intimate, loving,
committed relationship. Those who believe that
these concepts don't apply to them will most
likely run into major relationship problems,
and have few skills to solve these problems.
I'll bet that you didn't say these
things during your marriage vows or when you
first decided to exclusively date your
partner. It's tough enough to decide that
you've found a person with whom to spend a
lifetime. But this doesn't change the fact
that the above five conditions form the basis
for your personal happiness! This is the soil
from which your relationship will flourish.
Ignore it and the relationship has a good
chance of dying. You'll be going nowhere fast.
Accept these conditions and you have a
realistic chance of developing a wonderful
relationship. The choice seems obvious to me
and I hope that it does to you also.
Reprinted with
permission of the publisher, Hay House, Inc. Available at all bookstores, by phone
800-654-5126, or via the Internet at
www.hayhouse.com
Info/Order
book
Kelly Johnson, M.D., is a nationally known psychiatrist and relationship
therapist. He has appeared on Jenny Jones and Montel, and can be heard
weekly on the number-one rated Sunday night radio show, Private Lives.
Visit his website at
www.DrKellyJohnson.net
This
article is excerpted from the book:
