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What I Love Most
About You...
by
Joann Davis
Take a minute, if you will, and ask yourself this
question: How often do you tell the special people in your life
exactly what it is that you love most about them? How often do you
identify what's good about your spouse, lover, children, sisters,
brothers, dad, mother, uncles, aunts, friends, and colleagues -- and
actually put it into words so there can be no doubt? Are you
constructive? Do you celebrate what's good? Do you extol the
ones you love, tell them how and why you love them in
very specific detail? Most of us don't take the time to find
the good and praise it -- or we don't know how.
In life, our gestures
of love go much further if they are indelible, positive, and
specific. Our caring should not be left in doubt. When asked the
question, "How do I love thee?" each of us should be ready and able
to count the ways.
Three Secrets of Good Communication
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Communication must be regular
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Communication must be constructive
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Communication must be specific
People in great relationships seem to grasp that life
is too short to keep affections locked up or left to the imagination
or chance expression.
They know that they must rely heavily on the precious
gift that makes human beings so special -- the gift of language.
They know that positive words are building blocks that help us to
foster strong connections and achieve rapport. They understand that
when good communication suffers, so do intimacy and closeness, the
very special cornerstones of a life worth living. Without these
things, without the warmth and the love of the people around us,
most of us would feel a gaping hole in our lives.
But creating intimacy doesn't come naturally to
everyone. Intimacy takes effort, and it takes time. Sure, there are
special occasions when we all testify to what we feel inside -- the
birthdays and the anniversaries, the holidays and the milestones in
life. That's usually when we run out to the card or gift shop
because we have permission -- or are required -- to show that we
care. We buy the beautiful bouquet of flowers. Or the box of
chocolates. Or we get a greeting card awash in pastel colors and
adorned with a poetic inscription. We try to put our affections in a
neat prepackaged box with a pretty ribbon and bow.
On many occasions, these thoughtful gestures suffice.
We are a
society of "special occasion" love, and our loved ones know and
understand this. But what about the in-between times in life? Or the
everyday affections and sentiments? And the most deep-seated
feelings we hold in our hearts for the significant people who make
up the fabric of our lives? All too often, those important emotions
stay bottled up. Our children, our friends, our spouses, our lovers,
our family members -- we think they know how we feel about them.
Often, the very best of what we feel about the close companions who
accompany us on our journey through life remains locked inside.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to get out the key or pick
the lock. An illness. A calamity. An accident. Or worse. Then,
suddenly, the words and the feelings come tumbling out. Imagining
life without that person we love makes us remember why we love that
person to begin with. If that special person weren't in the
equation, what would be lacking? Maybe everything. And do we ever
think to say it?
A relationship counselor with a thriving practice once
confided the most effective technique he uses with couples in
trouble: At the beginning of every counseling session he asks the
quarreling partners to take off their rings (if they wear them) and
put them in front of each other. Then the counselor asks each
partner to articulate why he or she gave the ring to the other
person to begin with. Watching the couples awkwardly shift in their
seats, the counselor waits for perfect stillness to settle before
going on.
"So," he states deliberately. "A ring is a powerful
symbol of love, a circle of affection for all eternity. What did you
see in your partner that made you exchange rings?"
Usually, at this point, you can hear a pin drop. A lot
of throat clearing is followed by a lot of soul searching and then,
quite often, an avalanche of words spills out -- accompanied by
tears. The tissues and the handkerchiefs mount up in a heap, along
with the dawning recognition that the all-important truth of why
they love each other has long gone unspoken, that the light of the
truth has dimmed.
"Tell each other," the counselor prompts. "Remind your
partner what you love and care about in one another." As the
partners recall why the relationship took shape to begin with, the
words often become the cement in which the love sets anew.
 This
article was excerpted from What I Love Most About You, ?2002, by
Joann Davis. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, William Morrow,
an imprint of
HarperCollins Publishers.-?
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