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The Hunger for Touch
by Valerie Ann Worwood
 The human being thrives on touch. An enormous
amount of research has been done in recent years, on both human beings and
animals, in regards to touch. The results show that lack
of touch ("cutaneous deprivation") can lead, not only to emotional
disturbances but also, to a lessened intellectual ability and physical growth,
reduced sexual interest, and even a weakness of the immune system. There are, it
seems, distinct biochemical differences between people who experience touch and
those who do not.
Unfortunately, a large number of people go
through life with very little tactile stimulation. Over the years in my clinical
practice I've met many patients who have little experience of touch. The most
worrisome aspect relates to self-examination for health reasons -- women need to
check their breasts for cancer and men need to check for lumps that could
indicate testicular cancer. Yet even for such necessary and innocent activities,
I've heard patients say, "Lying there touching myself? I couldn't!"
The connection between sex and touch -- any
touch -- is made early on by many people. The trouble starts when childhood
sexuality is controlled by parental admonishments of "Don't touch
yourself!" or "That's dirty". "Good girls don't let boys
touch them" is said almost as often as "Big boys don't cry". Hugs
from strangers, children must be told, are bad.
In one way or another, touch can be
associated with guilt early in life, and it often becomes acceptable only within
the context of secure or "legitimate" sexual activity. This imprisoning
of touch, within the context of sex, means that touch becomes a lead-in to it -- "I
know when he wants sex because that's when he puts his arm around me". The
end result of this situation is that often women agree to have sex only because
they want touch. Sex is the only way they can
get the warmth and closeness they need, and many surveys on this subject seem to
point to the fact that female promiscuity isn't an insatiable desire for sex,
but the hunger for touch.
The hunger for touch is a real human need. It
can be difficult for men to admit their need because from the word go, they're
told to be strong and in control and not to go running to mommy for comfort
whenever there's any trouble. The association between weakness and cuddles can
easily be transferred into the sexual relationship, so that when a woman
attempts to have her hunger for touch satisfied in his arms, he thinks,
"She's being pathetic". This apparent show of emotional weakness can
be especially exasperating for a man who already feels that he is carrying more
than his share of the relationship responsibilities. The woman, meanwhile, finds
him cold and unresponsive.
It is said that women have a better touch than men
do, if only because it is so much more a part of their daily lives. But because
so many people equate touch with sex, these same tactile women may refrain from
touching their partners because it will be interpreted as a sexual advance. So
for one reason or another, touch isn't always seen as an activity valid in its
own right, a legitimate human need, but is instead seen as a means to an end.
The degree of tactile stimulation in a
person's life is very much affected by two things: cultural tradition and family
circumstances -- the general and the particular. In Japan, until very recently,
touching in the street was thought very bad form; while in Italy everyone seems
to be touching each other, from children
to grannies. In most southern European countries the women walk arm in arm. In
Arab and Indian subcontinent countries, men walk holding hands, and mothers
massage their babies and children on a regular, almost daily, basis, and are in
their turn massaged by them. Only the other day I saw three generations of women
from an Indian family stop for a minute at a London shop front so the
granddaughter could massage her grandmother's apparently arthritic hand.
Westerners tend to leave the massaging of grandma's arthritis to the
physiotherapist.
Babies carried in the slings that parents
hitch around their chests, so the baby is held close, are far more secure when
left with strangers than babies who are transported around in carriages or
strollers are. Children are always craving to be touched and hugged, but because
mothers and fathers are so often busy, the child often gets rejection instead -- "Don't
bother me now." Yet the need remains, and becomes amplified so that some
may be naughty only to get a slap because this touch is better than no touch at
all!
Fortunately, a person who has "lost
their touch" is not lost forever. Because I give my patients essential oil
treatments to use at home, I often ask the question," Have you got someone
to massage you -- your husband, perhaps?" And often the reply is, "Oh,
no, we never touch," or "He never has" -- and some of these women
and men have been married for thirty years or so. (And when was the last time
you gave or received a massage?) Nevertheless, the patient very often finds the
partner willing to take part in the treatment, and I hear enthusiastic reports:
"He's got a lovely touch, you
know." Soon they want to return the compliment and pleasure and start to
massage their partner, and a whole new dimension of tactile experience is opened
up.
The Sensuous Touch
When sexual energy between a couple is high,
there's not such a need to "go all the way" because touch, as an
activity in itself, can be a wholly satisfying experience, too. One might not
always want to make love, especially after a long and tiring day, but when ten
minutes of sensuous touch takes place, the same relaxing and satisfying feeling
overtakes you and you fall into each other's arms, close and at one instead of
grumpy and uptight.
It's crucial to allow yourself to accept that
touching doesn't have to lead to sex. Just touch each other in the full
knowledge that you're going to fall asleep in ten minutes' time. Caress each
other gently, not forgetting the face and head -- kiss goodnight and go to sleep.
Sweet dreams.
Three ten-minute touching-only sessions a
week would save thousands of marriages and millions of dollars in psychiatrists'
and doctors' fees. First of all, emotional tension is diffused and dispersed so
no "bottling up" occurs. (It's not uncommon for a person to feel close
to tears when touched after a long time alone.) Despite the facts that touch
dissolves tension we rarely offer it to people whom are "stressed out" -- cuddles
and sympathy are reserved for emotional upsets. If your partner comes home one
day in a fury and starts to march around the house sounding off about the day's
events, treat them with touch by all means,
but make it gradual. Start by taking their hand and simply keep holding it; then
stroke their arm. By this time they might have taken a deep sigh and, if you're
near a chair, they may be eased into it. Gradually use touch to ease their
stress -- great demonstrative, engulfing embraces at times of high stress can
just cause an explosive reaction, so gently does it! We're all subjected to some
degree of stress during the day and a ten minute touching session before sleep
can really help to ease the burden.
The human organism is electric and needs
grounding. The activity of the brain's ten billion nerve cells is mainly
electrical, and they interact through the nervous system with the entire body,
including the skin. The skin is, in fact, the largest organ of the body. When
you gently stroke your lover, you're grounding their electromagnetic surplus
energy, calming the nervous system, and helping to balance out the workings of
the endocrine system.
With touching, it's as important to have
someone who will receive as well as someone who will give -- you can't have one
without the other. The recipient might look passive, but their energy can be
very active. There are two ways to be passive -- with a tired listlessness, or
with "focused awareness," as the ancient Indians would say. It's this
second form of passivity that we're trying to aim for here -- a live receptivity,
relaxed, breathing normally (not held), senses alive, and mentally allowing and
encouraging energy flow through the body.
If you have difficulty in accepting passivity,
you can console yourself with the knowledge that you'll be active when the roles
are reversed. But if you find it difficult to
accept touch from your lover, you may be in the wrong relationship! All lovers
should, at least, be happily able to accept each other and each other's love.
With any form of touch, the most crucial
aspect is the thought behind it. Touch is not universally innocent or well
intentioned. Some people touch other people so that they have a surface against
which to feel themselves. They aren't concerned about transmitting their love so
much as using someone else to create sensation in their own fingertips so that
they can love themselves. This is a tricky one, but you'll know it when you feel
it.
There is also an invasive touch -- when
someone makes physical contact to see "how far he or she can go". This
is when it's necessary to state an objection to touch with "How dare you
touch me!" or something equally definitive so the message gets across that
they can't go any further. One doesn't linger over a touch with the boss because
it would probably be interpreted as a sexual advance, and for the same reason,
bosses avoid lingering touches of their staff. And a punch on the chin is
another, more obvious, form of negative touch!
Just as negative thoughts behind a touch can
be identified, so too can positive thoughts, which can then be put to good use.
One can literally infuse touch with the power of thought. When you touch your
lover, close your eyes perhaps, but in any event; think of your hands as an
extension of your heart -- your love -- reaching right into their heart through
the surface of their skin. Let go of any negative thoughts you may have had
throughout the day toward your lover. Forget
about disagreements, put them aside for now and concentrate on the positive -- giving
love generously.
If you really concentrate and allow your natural energies and
senses to be your guide, your loving touch will become a magnificent and
surprising tool that can be incorporated into lovemaking. Touch shouldn't be a
form of foreplay only, but an ongoing, energy-circulating, and stimulating tool,
used to fan the fires of passion. Lovemaking is an obvious time to fully utilize
the power of touch, if only because this is the only time most of us have our
naked skin available, ready and willing. Why waste the chance of taking
advantage of it?
Touch can be extremely effective on its own
by simply using gentle, stroking movements with the palm and fingers of your
hand. Incorporate the well-known erogenous zones of the body (bearing in mind
that everyone is unique in this respect) including the neck, ears, shoulders,
back, nipples, thighs, buttocks, the curve of the hips, the sides of the body,
and not forgetting the feet. There are 72,000 nerve endings in each foot! Try gently stroking, massaging, or sucking the
feet and toes. No, we're not trying to tickle the partner here; many people
experience an exquisite sense of relaxation after a session of foot attention.
If we accept that touch can be a legitimate
activity unrelated to sex, then we can really begin to explore its potential.
Our society needs to recognize the beneficial effects touch has on the nervous
system with the same readiness as it today pops tranquilizers and sleeping
pills. Touch is an important human activity in its own right, crucial to our
well-being and an absolute delight.
So, let's get in touch!
 This
article is excerpted with permission from:
Scents and Scentuality
by Valerie Ann Worwood.
Published
by New World Library, Notavo, CA 94949. Toll
free ordering at 800-972-6657 Ext. 52. Visit
their website at www.newworldlibrary.com.
Info/Order book
More books by this author
About The
Author
Valerie Ann Worwood, an
aromatherapist to royalty and heads of state, teaches and conducts
workshops around the world. She is an active member on the executive
council of the International Federation of Aromatherapists and she runs her
own clinic in England. She is the bestselling author of The Complete
Book of Essential Oils & Aromatherapy which is widely considered
to be the definitive reference book on aromatherapy. She is also the
author of The Fragrant
Mind, Scents and Scentuality and the
newly released Aromatherapy For The Healthy
Child.
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