If
You Care about Me...
You'll Read My Mind
by
Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Expectations
and Disappointments
 A
surefire way to plummet into overwhelming
disappointment is to expect too much from
relationships. We're programmed to have
unrealistic expectations from movies and TV,
from romance stories all promising better than
wonderful experiences with better than
beautiful people who can anticipate our every
wish. We want someone to be always caring,
always considerate, always loveable, always
giving. But these romantic illusions too often
leave us feeling cheated and disillusioned --
betrayed by our own ideals.
Part
of the problem stems from the fact that we
don't know how to ask for what we want or
need. Society has shown us that people who
directly state their needs get labeled as
pushy or needy, so we find other methods to
try to get our needs met and we usually end up
disappointed. We want others to read our minds
or give us a specific sign that proves they
care for us, so that we don't actually have to
ask for anything. We imagine how a situation
will turn out or how a person will act and are
disappointed when things don't go as planned.
We may even find ourselves repeating these
patterns of expectation and disappointment.
One
woman often found herself getting annoyed at
her boyfriend because he didn't tell her how
much he missed her when he was traveling on
business. After all, isn't that what
boyfriends were supposed to do when you'd been
dating for over five months? She'd find
herself fantasizing about things he might say
to her on the phone -- how he loved her, how
he thought about her. Although he'd call
"just to say hello", the
conversations were brief and words she wanted
so desperately to hear never passed his lips.
She'd tell herself that he really didn't care
about her as much as she cared about him,
because if he did he would tell her.
I'm
reminded of another business-trip story.
Claire and Andrew were seeing quite a bit of
each other even though both were still dating
others. They were still finding their way in
the relationship, not quite knowing what to
expect from the other. When Claire had to fly
across country for a week of meetings, she
told Andrew where she'd be staying, hoping
he'd call. Meanwhile, he wanted to call her
but held back, telling himself, "If she's
thinking about me she'll call me". In
fact, she missed him a lot but was waiting for
him to call first because that would mean he
was thinking about her. It turned into
a waiting game, each one thinking the other
one didn't care enough to call. If only one of
them realized, "Wait a minute here. I
care and I'm still not letting myself call
first. Just maybe he (she) cares, too."
A
woman I know would get irked because her
teenage daughters would never ask what they
could do around the house to help out. It's
not that they wouldn't help out if she asked,
but she really wanted them to read her mind
and say something like, "Mom, is there
anything we can do in the house for you
today?" Or better yet, wouldn't it be
wonderful if they would just change a light
bulb or scrub the shower tiles of their own
volition? This would be a sign that they cared
about her.
Repeating
Patterns Can Get Tiresome
"We're
a perfect fit -- the rocks in my head match
the holes in his head." A client
made this comment as she recounted how she
repeatedly gravitates toward people and
situations that re-create childhood
experiences. It's as if there's a powerful
force that draws us to the same situations
again and again. And our expectations that
things will be different this time are simply
setting us up for disappointment.
For
example, someone who tends to be dependent on
others will hook up with a person who needs to
take over and control situations. Someone who
has learned to think of himself or herself as
a victim might become involved with a
victimizer, either in work or personal
relationships.
What
is the attraction here? Why do we repeat old
behaviors again and again? What makes us
unwittingly choose situations that deal with
our old issues? There are two basic reasons,
and they are not mutually exclusive. Both
situations can exist at the same time, in the
same situations, with the same people.
First,
there is a familiarity about the situation. It
is comfortable because it is known, even
though rationally it may not be desirable. We
think we know what to expect, so we kick off
our shoes and settle in -- I guess you could
say it feels like home -- maybe we even get a
little homesick for it when it's not around.
Something that is known feels more secure that
something unknown. The unknown is scary.
Secondly,
we tend to repeat our past in an effort to
understand it, learn something from it, and
overcome it. We tend to repeat an old pattern
in an effort to come to terms with it. If we
do it enough times, maybe we'll finally get it
right. Each time we dance the same dance, we
can get better and quicker at recognizing the
dynamics.
You
can choose to berate yourself for circling
around the same predicament or getting
involved in the same old kind of relationship
for the second or third time, or maybe even
the fourth or fifth time. Or you can pat
yourself on the back, and say, "This time
it only took me four months to notice what I
was doing!" If you can look at it as a
challenge and ask yourself, "What did I
learn from this?" you can hopefully move
on.
Scratch
the Surface of Complaining & You Find?
While
unfulfilled expectations can be a cause of
disappointment, complaining is a sign of disappointment.
Have you ever found yourself feeling disappointed about
what someone did or didn't do, then getting on their
case about seemingly insignificant things? Complaining
can take may forms: nagging, grumbling, fussing,
scolding, whining. Come to think of it, all these
behaviors are a way of making contact with someone,
aren't they? There's a good chance you'll get a reaction
from that person -- maybe a negative one, but at least
it's some attention. And if you've been feeling
discounted or invalidated because someone disappointed
you, any attention seems important.
Let's
take a closer look at the complaining. If you scratch
the surface, what would be under the protective
covering? The harshness of complaining often hides the
softness of yearning -- a hope or expectation that
didn't get met, a need that didn't get fulfilled.
Perhaps something you really wanted didn't happen. One
way to get results is by saying, "This is what I
need from you, this is how I'd like it to be next
time." If you can eliminate the hard edge of
complaining to the other person, he or she probably
won't get defensive in return.
Do
You Expect Too Much of Others?
We often
set people up to be icons. We don't want to look at the
real them -- we only want to look at our
"pin-up". Disappointments result from having
unreasonable expectations or too much anticipation;
looking for "proof" of love; or having
partners who can't say "no" but can't follow
through on their promises either. Disappointments also
develop from one-sided "secret contracts" that
are based on a presumption that the other person will
cooperate in a plan that was not discussed beforehand.
And there certainly can be disappointments from
misinterpretations or miscommunications.
Disappointments
are related to needs -- needs that exist but don't get
verbalized. Growing up we may have been told that our
needs didn't count or we were selfish if we needed
something. As a result, we never learned to put words to
our needs. Instead we'd just cross our fingers and hope
beyond hope that someone would read our minds. Most
likely they didn't or they couldn't or they wouldn't,
and we'd get disappointed. And we were slow learners,
too -- we'd just keep crossing those fingers and keep
getting disappointed.
Needs
versus Neediness
Needs
are a fact of life, whether we acknowledge them or not.
The truth is, we all have them -- and it really is okay.
The trouble is, many of us grew up not knowing this, and
if we tried to express a want or need, we might have
been told something like, "You're selfish" or
"You're more trouble than you're worth." When
I heard things like that, I'd tell myself I was too
worthless to have any needs. Not only did my needs not
count, but I managed to discount myself as well.
You may
have been too busy during childhood taking care of
everybody else, and there was no time for your own
needs. Maybe you were the parentified child, the
responsible one. You may have felt needed by others, but
often didn't get what you needed from them. Perhaps you
got the message that there was no space in your family
to have needs. Maybe you were made to feel ashamed if
you had needs, and now you're afraid you'll be ridiculed
for having them. Somehow having needs was labeled bad or
shameful, and got relegated to existing in an
underground manner, with ploys and manipulations. If you
couldn't put words to the need, there could be little
clarity about it, creating a kind of desperateness about
getting it met.
There
was a big hole there that just wasn't getting filled.
You felt needy, and that wasn't a good feeling, so you
began to confuse having needs with neediness. How could
you find words for something you weren't even supposed
to have? How could you even begin to define your needs?
And if you didn't have words for them, how could you ask
for what you needed? You probably never learned how.
"I don't remember anyone ever hugging me when I was
a little girl," one woman recalls. "Sometimes
I really want a hug from my boyfriend, but I don't know
how to ask."
What
do I want? What do I need?So if
you're one of the people who tends to say "I don't
know" if someone asks you what you might need, what
can you do about it? It's true that sometimes it is hard
to be specific. You may only have a vague idea of what
will make you feel better -- perhaps some kind of
psychological chicken soup. But the more undefined the
hole is, the harder it is to fill. It's pretty hard to
let someone else in on your needs if you don't know them
yourself. How could you know when the need is filled if
you don't know what you're filling?
"When
you know what you want,
you'll know when you've found
it."
-- Steve Bherman and Don McMillan
I give
my clients the following questions to ask themselves
each day upon awakening. For many, this is very
difficult at first:
- "What would
make me feel good today?"
- "What do I
want? What do I need?"
- "From
whom?" (Yourself? Someone else?)
- "In what way?
What form would it take?"
You
might also ask yourself how you would know your want or
need is met. Defining these needs, putting words to
them, may be a brand new experience for you because no
one gave you permission to do it before. Don't be
surprised if you struggle with it at first. Try to have
patience and keep practicing. Doing this exercise
regularly could change your perspective on life.
Practice checking in with yourself throughout the day
about how you feel and what would make you feel better.
You will develop a more defined sense of yourself -- and
new respect for both yourself and your needs.
Now that
you are beginning to recognize your own wants and needs,
how do you go about communicating them to another
person? Here are some possible ways to phrase your
request:
-
Sometimes
I find myself hinting around about something I want
or need from you. I'd like to just tell you directly
I need for you to _____________
-
I
have a request to make of you. It's important to me
that you ____________
Hearing
yourself speak your needs out loud works wonders. Be
aware that it's often much easier to say what you don't
want from someone than what you do want. Negatives
always seem to be on the tips of our tongues, don't
they? For example, it's easier to say, "I don't
want you to keep reading the paper when I'm talking
about a problem." Instead, emphasize what you do
want: "I would really like to make eye contact with
you when we talk. Could you please put the paper down
while we're speaking?"
You can
practice doing this by standing in front of a mirror,
making eye contact with yourself, and saying the words
out loud. Start out with small, inconsequential
requests; they can be real or hypothetical. Just listen
to the sound of those words coming out of your mouth.
You can practice with a therapist. If you can corral a
friend or partner for a practice session it's even
better. By practicing with someone else, you get the
added bonus of hearing a "yes" or
"no". You can take turns, too. Have the other
person ask, and you can practice accepting or declining.
How many
times have you cringed when somebody said to you,
"Go ahead and take a chance. What have you got to
lose?" And you say to yourself, "Take a chance
on what? Possible rejection? Embarrassing myself?
Feeling stupid for asking at a bad time?" All those
old fears start bubbling up, don't they?
So what
to do about it? To tell the truth, learning to ask for
what I want or need has been a bumpy ride for me. I've
plugged away for years on this challenge gaining ground
to be sure, but all too slowly. I must have been ready
to turn the proverbial corner the day I heard
motivational speaker and author Patricia Fripp point
out, "The answer will always be 'no' if you don't
ask." Wow. I got it. And what a difference that
motto has made to me. Asking for something takes on a
whole new coloration now. I made a choice to no longer
set up a situation where the answer would always be
'no'. I could see I was cutting off all my options by
not asking. Now it's as if an internal dialogue takes
place, and the feisty part of myself counters with,
"I'll show you that I won't take 'no' for an answer
without asking first."
"The
answer will always be no
if you don't ask."
-- Patricia Fripp
Getting
What You Need
Identifying
needs and asking for what you need are only part of the
picture. What if your attempts at asking are successful
and someone actually offers you warm, loving, comforting
gestures -- can you accept them? Can you take them in?
Can you trust they are real? Or do you tell yourself
that in spite of getting up your courage and asking for
what you want or need, that if the truth be known, you
"don't deserve it" or "they must have an
ulterior motive" or "they'll only take it away
again".
Suppose
however, you could let yourself just say, "Thank
you." I'm talking about the same "thank
you" I suggested earlier in the book when someone
gives you a compliment. You may find with a little
practice at accepting yourself, you can choose to take
in compliments and caring gestures. The key is letting
yourself make that choice.
 This
article excerpted from:
Don't Take It Personally - The Art of Dealing with Rejection
by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Info/Order
this book.
About The
Author
Elayne
Savage holds a Ph.D. in family psychology and draws on 25 years of
clinical experience in her work with individuals, couples, and families
in her private practice in Berkeley, California. A frequent media guest,
she lectures at several colleges and conducts seminars in the San
Francisco Bay area. This article was excerpted with permission from her
book Don't Take It Personally, published by New Harbinger
Publications, Oakland, CA 94609. www.newharbinger.com
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