Fear
and
Relationships
by Dr. Paula
Sunray
Fear
keeps us from leading meaningful lives
and having meaningful relationships.
 Inner
Dragons
Our
inner dragons of fear can keep us from having meaningful
relationships. These fears can make us run from love and
intimacy and hide from the very things we say we most
want. Fear and relationship do not belong together.
Fear
patterns begin early in life and affect every
relationship we have. José Stevens, in his book Transforming
Your Dragons, discusses these very fear
patterns.
Dr.
Stevens says the people who have great amounts of fear
waste a lot of energy. They repeat the same mistakes
over and over, and tend to see the world in black and
white terms. They will see themselves as perfect or they
will see themselves as worthless.
The
fearful person moves away from her core self, living
life in numbness. She lets other people dictate her life
roles, and she carries great despair in the center of
her being. She is only half-alive.
Neurotic
Fears
Neurotic
fears wreak havoc in a relationship. A person who feels
unworthy and unlovable will not make a good mate. A
doormat person may say they love you, but it is just a
sign of the need for approval and affection.
Fear
of Agression
The type
of person who has the fear pattern of aggression does
not trust people and protects himself by attacking
first, before others can attack him. This type of person
can lead a lonely life.
When you
are detached and aloof because of your vulnerability and
fear of getting hurt, you can feel pretty lonely. You
also distance relationships when you judge and criticize
others.
Passivity
Another
fear pattern is when you are passive in a relationship.
You never have to make a decision or take action. This
is the pattern of low self-esteem.
Impatience
Another
type of inner fear pattern makes you act impatiently and
intolerantly with others. In this way, you will quickly
alienate and irritate other people.
Victim
Pattern
Still
another pattern, which we call the "victim",
will blame you for everything and name you as the
abuser. They will not take responsibility for their own
actions, and they do not make good partners.
Always
Needing More
The kind
of person who can never get enough, which is another
fear dragon, will demand a lot in a relationship but
give very little. And still another type, the person who
fears control and abandonment, will be controlling
themselves and will often have strong addictions.
Stubborness
The last
type of fear pattern belongs to the person who hates
authority and is rebellious and stubborn as a result.
This stubbornness is difficult to deal with in a
relationship.
All of
us have some of these fears, so it is easy to see why
relationships can be so difficult. It is fear that keeps
us from leading meaningful and fulfilling lives, so the
main work in our lives is confronting these fears and
releasing and healing them.
Articles
by José Stevens (mentioned in this article).
 This
article was excerpted from:
Life
Skills for the New Millennium
by Dr. Paula
Sunray.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher. Published by MDJ Inc./Petals of
Life, www.petalsoflife.com.
For more information on Dr. Sunray's programs, email
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About The
Author
Dr.
Paula Sunray is director of the Sunray
Healing Haven and National Interfaith Seminary in St. Paul, Minnesota,
where she trains and teaches healers, ministers, counselors, and
spiritual students in addition to maintaining her own private practice.
Dr. Sunray is a leading expert in the field of mind-body-spirit
transformation and is a frequent lecturer, workshop leader, educator,
and inspirer to many.
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