Being
Vulnerable
by Marie T. Russell
 I remember,
as a child, waiting for others to make the
first step... waiting for attention to be
given to me, waiting for others to show love
or friendship. I was too "shy" to take the
first step. I was afraid of being rejected. So
I built a persona that literally broadcasted
"I don't need you. I am very
self-sufficient."
This
attitude was even prevalent in my childhood.
My mother once told me that my first words
were not "mommy" or "daddy", they were
"I can do it!" I now understand that this
statement was my way of saying "I don't
need you!" It was my defense against the
feeling that I was not needed or wanted. So
rather than be honest about my need to receive
attention and love, I built a wall that said
"O.K. if you don't want me...I'll show
you! I don't need you either. I can do it
all myself."
This has
carried over to my "adult" life where I
have demonstrated (or so I thought) that I
didn't need others. I could do it myself.
Yet, I discovered that living behind a glass
wall can be lonely. You can see the others out
there, yet you somehow remain separated from
them. They also see you, but find it difficult
to connect with you.
My belief
was that no one had time for me. So what did I
find on the other side of my wall? Either
other people who had no time for me (just as I
expected) or people who thought that I had no
time for them and thus left me alone.
You too may
be living behind a wall that you have built.
Your wall may be called "I'm not good
enough, so leave me alone" or "No one
understands me or loves me, so don't even
try" or other such self-defeating
attitudinal walls.
These glass
walls have a way of magnifying the negative.
The world seems like a terrible place on the
other side. Yet whatever you see through the
wall is only the reflection of what you have
been projecting. If your wall is one of "I'm
not good enough", perhaps what people
see on your side of the wall is a person who
seems aloof and not very friendly.
Consequently, they stay away as you do not
seem to be welcoming any friendships.
Is there a
way out of that predicament? Yes. We can start
by letting down our defenses, and making
ourselves vulnerable by being willing to trust
others and ourselves. Affirm: "I am now
open to give and receive love. I feel love in
me and around me." Repeat to yourself,
much as someone would repeat a mantra, "It
is safe to give and receive love",
"It is o.k. to ask for what I want"
and "It's perfectly alright to show my
feelings without knowing what the response
will be".
This
opening of the cocoon is an ongoing process. I
find that, for me, the important thing is to stay
focused in the heart, to feel my heart
expanding and opening towards those around me.
The fear of being "thought a fool" still
comes up now and then, yet, I am aware that
only by "risking" and showing my feelings
will others feel safe in opening their hearts
and showing me theirs.
When two
people are encased behind their respective
walls, someone needs to take the first step
and step out from behind their defenses so
that communication and honesty can take place.
Since I cannot ask of others what I do not ask
of myself, I take the first step and come out
from behind the wall of my fears. Will you
join me, so we can play together and celebrate
life?
I invite
you to abandon your defenses and to become,
once again, as vulnerable as a newborn child.
Together we can do it! Don't wait for others
to make the first step... They may be waiting
for you!
 RECOMMENDED
BOOK:
Radical Honesty: How to Transform your Life by Telling the Truth
by
Brad Blanton, Ph.D.
Info/Order
this book
 About The Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also
produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from
1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and
well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own
inner source of joy and creativity.
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