I
Married My Mirror
by Marie T. Russell
 Relationships are funny... You go around
searching for the 'perfect' mate, and of
course, as many of you know,
the 'perfect' mate turns out to be not so
perfect. What happened? Since everyone is your
reflection, you ended up with the perfect
reflection of yourself. And of course, your
mate mirrors those parts of you that you don't
accept as well as those parts of you that you
love.
At first, you may see only the positive
side of the reflection, then after a few weeks
(months, years, or in some cases days) you
start seeing the dark side of the mirror. The
side of yourself that you hate to admit you
have — the criticizer, the one who wants
everything done a certain way, the one who
doesn't like you at the weight or size you
are, the one who thinks you need improving...
So your mate is actually only reflecting or
telling you what you are subconsciously
telling yourself. Once you realize that and
remember it in the 'crisis times', you are
on the road to a beautiful relationship.
One of the keys, I found, when I felt
(or imagined) some criticism to be coming my
way, was to remind myself that this was really
me talking to myself. Did I really believe those
things about myself? When I was willing to be
honest with myself, I saw that, yes indeed,
those were my inner feelings and thoughts. Once I handled that aspect, I
was able to once again see the radiant side of
my mirror. I was once again able to let the
loving child that I am (and that we all are)
be expressed through my partner.
When I allowed myself the time to be
playful, my mirror was a true reflection of my
inner state. I noticed that the more I 'lightened
up', the more my relationship became playful (and less critical, judgmental,
etc.). When I chose to forgive my
imperfections and laugh at them, so did my
partner.
It is interesting to note that until I
understood this fundamental truth (the mirror
image), I created relationships that were full
of the traits I could not (would not) accept
in myself. As I was busy trying to hide those
aspects I did not love, my true mirror
reflected the truth back to me. If I was
covering up anger, my mate would be expressing
a lot of anger; if I was being critical of
myself or others, then I would also receive
the same treatment, or be a witness to him
criticizing others.
It is so easy to place the blame on the
other for whatever negativity comes up — we've
been trained that way. We've, in most cases,
been raised hearing: "You make me so angry",
"I couldn't sleep because you were out
late", "It's your fault I burnt the
dinner", etc. Of course the
responsibility for our feelings is always
ours... whether the feeling is of joy,
sadness, anger, it always originates within
us. You are the one who chooses to experience
that feeling. No one can "make you" angry. The
other simply is being what they need to be at
that moment, and we choose how we respond,
whether with anger or acceptance.
It was such a relief when I finally
understood that I had the key to make my
life and my relationship a happy, joyful,
loving, and accepting union. I had to treat
myself with love and acceptance, and the
reflection would be true to that reality. I
have seen my relationship with my husband go
from one where criticism and blame reigned
supreme, to one where understanding, patience,
love, joy, and harmony abide. And it did not
involve changing "him"! We often fall into
the fallacy of thinking, "If only he/she
were different..." The truth is that you are
the one that has to change. Once you are
different, your mirror will of course reflect
the new you.
When I look at my mirror now, I see
someone who wants my highest good, who
understands my errors, and is willing to
overlook them. I see a relationship where each
desires the best for the other, and each wants
to have more joy and aliveness in each and
every moment.
It is a great pleasure to create the
life you love to live, and to also "create"
the person to share it with. If you feel that
your relationship is at a stand-still, perhaps
you need to examine your relationship with
yourself. Every time you want to place the
blame on your partner, stop, and instead, take
responsibility for the situation and your
emotions. See how your mate is expressing what
you really feel in the dark recesses of your
mind. Throw some light on your thoughts,
beliefs, and feelings about yourself. Change
them to more loving and accepting thoughts,
and you will see your mate change to reflect
the changes within you. The mirror always
tells the truth — it's not always
necessary to throw out the mirror and get a
new one.
 Recommended book:
Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth
by Brad Blanton.
Dr. Blanton coaches us on how to have lives that work, how to have
relationships that are alive and passionate, and how to create intimacy
where none exists. As we have been taught by the philosophical and
spiritual sources of our culture for thousands of years, from Plato to
Nietzsche, from the Bible to Emerson, the truth shall set you free.
Info/Order
book.
 About The Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also
produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from
1991-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and
well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own
inner source of joy and creativity.
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