Friends: Who Will Help
You
& Who Will Not
by Nanette V. Hucknall
 Often when you make a major life
change, friends are not supportive. In fact, they may even try to dissuade you
from pursuing the new work. This happens because the friend is sometimes also
wanting a change but doesn't have the courage or the energy to make it happen.
Such a person resents anyone who is striving in a new direction.
It may be necessary to let go of
some of your old friends if this happens. If you are struggling to learn
something new and you have people around who are not only unhelpful but
downright negative about what you're doing, then you need to really look at each
and every one and decide if each is truly a friend. A true friend should be
supportive.
It is also possible that a
negative friend may be feeling fearful of being deserted by you. This can be
unconscious. The friend may be reacting to your learning new things beyond the
friend's understanding. The fear is that the more you learn the more distant you
will become and the more you will not need that friendship.
It's important here to find out
what the friend is feeling and not just go by what is said. Sometimes the friend
will be hurtful and sarcastic, other times quiet and cold. Be aware of how the
friend must be feeling, how threatening it must be to see someone you love go
off in a direction you cannot understand or get enthusiastic
about.
Remember, this friend will, more
often than not, deny the truth. Telling you about feeling a loss because you are
branching out into new things will not help the situation. More than likely, the
friend will deny such feelings and certainly won't want you to think jealousy is
involved. The truth might well be that the friend is jealous and does not want
you to be superior in any way because then you may leave and find new
friends.
So many dreams that could have
happened are destroyed by would-be friends who will say you're crazy to spend
all your time on something that may or not be successful.
Supportive
Relationships
If you ask your family to be
supportive, you can do the same with your friends. The difference is, your
family is usually karmic, and most people are bound by karma to interact. You
generally keep your family, no matter what happens; but you don't have to keep
your friends. Look at each carefully and determine how you really feel. Is each
a friendship in which you help one another, or has it stayed the same from the
beginning? Also, recognize if someone is afraid of losing you, and talk about it
openly, making certain all the feelings are discussed. You may want to keep your
friends, but if they are not supportive during this time of transition, then you
might need to reevaluate the relationships.
It is important to understand how
the energy around you needs to breathe. Breathing is the flow of prana into the
physical body from your subtle body and out to the work you are doing. The more
concentrated the work, the more energy is able to flow freely. Negative energy
directed toward you will be eliminated by your positive force, but not without
your paying the price of your energy being lessened. This is why you need to
avoid negative thinking and negative interchanges.
If friends are negative because of
their own personal problems, it will not affect your energy. You can help them
by sending them love from the heart. This energy is constantly renewed. It is
only when they start to bring you into their problems that you should question the intent. The
following story illustrates this.
Buddies for
Life?
William and Ted were buddies all
through their teens, even going to the same college to be together. After
graduation they moved to the big city, got jobs, shared an apartment, and
settled into living the typical bachelor life.
Ted was good-looking, sociable,
and loved the night life that the city offered in abundance. Women flocked to
him and he moved through one affair after another as if losing count were a
goal. William, on the other hand, was shy and introverted. He soon tired of
partying every night, getting no sleep, and having Ted pick his bed partners,
each guaranteed to perform "the best".
William was also unhappy with the
work he was doing, which is why he had come to me for help. His vocation turned
out to be law, a profession he had never thought about, but which now made him
feel excited and enthusiastic.
He quit his job, took out a few
loans, and was accepted by a leading law college in the city. In the beginning
he kept the apartment with Ted, but the frequent parties interfered with his
studies, and Ted didn't seem to understand that he needed quiet in order to
study. William finally moved to a small room near campus.
Losing his lifelong companion was
difficult for Ted. He found that going out was no fun unless William was along —
having him there had made a difference! So he constantly telephoned William,
berating him with, "What kind of friend are you? Why don't you have more time to
see me?" and "How can you work all
day and night? It must be very boring!" and "Look what you're missing. There've
been some great parties" and "You're never any fun anymore."
A Helpful
Friend
William tried talking to him but
it was no use, he just didn't understand. Ted would shout and scream at him, or
get drunk and call him in a rage; he was unable to look at his fears and
insecurities. William had been the strong, silent one, the person Ted knew would
always be there. When he wasn't, it was devastating. The friendship survived
only because William convinced Ted to go into therapy, which helped him see some
of these things for himself.
Remember the friend who is
helpful. See more of him because his belief in you will enhance your energy.
Never lose sight of anyone like this. Such a friendship is wonderful to have.
Let your discrimination tell you when a person is sincerely interested and
supportive.
It is also wise to keep your
friends apart from your work. Don't talk about it to them, as talking
enthusiastically may bring up their fears. Instead, enjoy their company in
exactly the same way you did before. This will help them feel you are still the
same person, and that what you are doing on the side won't hurt or change you.
Make them aware you care, though you have less time to see them. Don't hesitate
to express your love for them. If you say it openly, it will be remembered later
on. You should also let your friends know how much you have to do in order to be
successful; then they will not expect you to be around all the
time.
Cutting
Ties
Never be afraid to cut off a
relationship — no matter how old it is — if the friend is demanding, negative,
or sarcastic about what you're doing. This kind of person will probably always
stay this way, no matter what is happening. The reason a friend is competitive
is because that friend relates too personally to what you're doing, and if it
doesn't feel right for the friend, the belief is that it can't be right for you.
Let go. If you do, your friend may
realize how such behavior is affecting you and make amends.
If you have negative friends you
really love and don't want to lose, then simply see less of them for the time
being. Remember to first talk to people and explain how you feel. Only if there
is no understanding should you break off a relationship.
Never keep a friend because you
feel pity or sympathy. Neither is a good basis for friendship. The person who
clings to you is also someone you need to gently let go of. Attachment only
brings karma and karmic ramifications. If you are attracted to someone, remember
to discern whether this is a relationship from a past life, and follow your
intuition accordingly. Choose your friends carefully, looking for positive
minded, enthusiasm, and genuine love.
 This article was
excerpted from:
Karma, Destiny, and Your Career:
New Age Guide to
Finding Your Work and Loving Your Life
by Nanette V.
Hucknall.
This article was excerpted with
permission from the publisher,
Samuel Weiser Inc., York Beach, Maine. www.redwheelweiser.com.
Info/Order this
book.
About The
Author
Nanette Hucknall has been trained in
Psychosynthesis, a transpersonal psychology that uses experiential methodology
in working with people. She is a partner in "Evolving Solutions", consultants
who specialize in empowering teams in organizations and communities, to design
their own future. She and her partners have designed and presented workshops and
seminars internationally. Ms. Hucknall is currently working as a psychotherapist
and career therapist in Massachusetts. She was co-founder and President of the
original Center for Peace through Culture.
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