Amitié
Amoureuse
(The
Romantic Friendship)
by
Zenith Henkin Gross
Just as
new ways of meeting are sometimes very different from
those earlier patterns that older adults grew up with,
so the very relationships that may result are quite
different from the engaged-married-live-together-forever
lockstep of their parents. All kinds of new forms of
togetherness have emerged in today's fluid, mobile
society, and elders have only to look around attentively
to see some of them.
One
notable new pattern for older lovers is the romantic
friendship, a new feature in the relationship landscape
of most conventional Americans, though not unknown in
other cultures around the world.
As
always, the French have a word for it: amitié
amoureuse is what they call that quite contemporary
situation in which a couple -- either gay or straight --
are not married and do not even
live together all the time, but are, nevertheless,
unmistakably a couple. They may maintain separate
residences, but often share deeply in each other's
family lives with children and grandchildren; they may
live in the same town or city, or perhaps live a
thousand miles apart and have a commuting romance. Sex
may be an important part of the union, or it may be
fleeting and intermittent or absent altogether.
An
eighty-year-old man, John S., who lives a ten-minute
drive from the home of his seventy-four-year-old
"significant other", Nancy T., says,
"our
romantic friendship gives both of us a lot of
space and time to ourselves, but offers intimate
pleasures and comforts as we all get older and our
circle of friends inevitably diminishes."
Romantic
friendships are especially attractive to the women in
such partnerships because, frequently widowed, they may
want a breather from daily rounds of homemaking.
Women
past sixty often have a history of such intense family
caretaking over such a long period of time, sometimes
punctuated by exhausting nursing duties, that a fast
spin back to twenty-four-hour domesticity is not as
appealing as it is to many men in their age group who
are used to twenty-four-hour on-the-job wives.
Whether
previous caretaking responsibilities are the issue or
not, many women simply want the time for interests,
talents, and hobbies they never had time to pursue
before. Here, too, it's difficult for many men to quite
accept that a prospective partner might wish to stay
free for her painting classes or travel or yoga workouts
and might not want to be available for company on a
daily, hourly basis.
But in
spite of the old hangovers from earlier relationships
(men wanting to he cared for in a domestic setting,
etc.), men and women are increasingly establishing
loving friendships that are fun, exciting romantic, and
sexy -- but don't mean necessarily a wedding ring or yet
another new domicile to furnish.
One
seventy-eight year old man explained,
"Romantic
friendships are somewhere between sexual ecstasy and
best pals, between having the earth move, and putting
on old sneakers to take a walk together."
Looking
at today's greatly changed and expanded world, it seems
clear that for women who reject the notion that plump
grandmothers have nothing to say about adventure,
romance, or different new lives -- and for men who can
break free of the narrow world their work often imposed
on them -- the outlook for new seasons of love and
passion to the very end of life is brighter than we've
been gloomily brainwashed to believe.
This
article was excerpted from the book:
 Seasons of the Heart: Men and Women Talk about Love, Sex, and Romance
after 60 by Zenith Henkin Gross.
©2000. This article was excerpted with permission of the publisher, New World Library, Novato, CA
94949. http://www.nwlib.com.
Info/Order
book.
Another
article by this author
About The
Author
Zenith
Henkin Gross, 75, has worked as a journalist for more than thirty-five
years, both as a freelancer and for the Associated Press. She is also
the author of And You Thought It Was All Over: Mothers and Their Adult
Children.
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