Abusive Lies
&
Battered Wives
by
Dianne Schwartz
 At what
point do you say, "I'm leaving -- he's been beating
me for years and it isn't going to stop"? When do
you stop believing a lie? You stop when you learn the
truth. And you learn the truth by no longer believing a
lie.
Since I
ended my relationship with my abuser, God has
continually placed battered women on my path. It might
be at a luncheon or a meeting or at a tennis match. Once
they find out what I do, they become an open book. They
need to vent. They tell me what he has done to them. The
conversation almost always goes something like this:
"I
work (or don't work), and he handles all the money.
I've been trying to think of a way to leave him, but
he's home all day. I want to get all my possessions
out of the house and I can't do it with him
there."
I
reply, "If you work, why do you hand your
paycheck over to him? Why don't you open your own
checking account?"
"Oh,
I couldn't do that. He'd get angry and beat me!"
Interesting.
"But he's beating you anyway. So what's the
difference?"
"I
just need time to plan."
I ask,
"How long have you been with him, and how long
has he been abusing you?"
"Fifteen
years. He's been hitting me the entire time."
"How
much more time do you need to plan? You aren't
planning; you're stalling. Just what is it you're
getting out of this relationship that keeps you
hanging on?"
Silence.
A
prisoner wouldn't try to escape from jail without
planning. It may take him two years, but at least he's
been working on a plan. You cannot escape an unpleasant
situation without thinking about it -- not about ways to
make it work, but ways to leave. When we stop believing
the lie that our abuser will change after years of
hitting us, we are left with the truth. Why should he
change? Is there a need? Hasn't he promised after
every beating that it will never happen again? Why would
it suddenly be different this time?
THE
LIE: He will change.
THE
TRUTH: No, he won't.
He
doesn't want to change. He doesn't need to.
Our
abuser only has our actions to go by. Our threats and
words are empty. We prove that very fact each time we
stay after a beating. Your actions say that what he is
doing to you is acceptable.
We tell
our abuser, "If you ever hit me again, I will leave
you, divorce you, take you to the cleaners, have you
thrown in jail, etc." He hits us again and we
repeat our same threats. but we stay. Which do you think
he believes -- our actions or our words?
THE
LIE: I'm nothing without him.
I have
no future without him.
THE
TRUTH: What kind of future?
One that
involves being beaten or called horrible names? That's a
future?
What if
we have never worked at a job? Usually our batterer
wants us at home, isolated, so we have no job skills.
What do we do?
Truthfully,
you get assistance. I have not always had money. While
seeking my first divorce and before child support had
been court ordered, I started working at a local bank. I
don't know how I kept that job. I knew nothing about
banking. Going through the divorce kept me tied in
knots, and I wasn't sleeping. I felt like a stupid,
uneducated idiot on a daily basis. It was horrible. I
would cry at night while lying in bed. I wanted to die.
I was
not making enough money to support my children and
myself. My about-to-be-ex gave me some financial help,
but not enough to survive. It was his way of trying to
force me to return to him. Of course, my father wouldn't
help, so I did a little growing up. I applied for food
stamps. It was humbling. but my children had food to
eat. You simply do what you have to do! There is always
a way out.
THE
LIE: I can't make it on my own.
THE
TRUTH: Yes, you can.
Many
other women have done it. Stop making excuses.
What if
you're basically held captive in your own home? You're
not allowed to work, you have no money, no car, and your
spouse is beating you?
Guess
what? There are shelters for women just like you. You
can call them, talk with them, and if you feel you are
truly in danger, they will arrange to meet you someplace
and take you to a safe haven. Not only will you be safe,
but they will help you plan your life, counsel you, and
help you get financial assistance. It is an opportunity
to start a new life. They will even go to court with
you!
What if
you have a job, a car, and your own money but are living
with an abuser? Maybe he is just verbally or
economically abusive. Perhaps he is a control freak.
What then?
Guess
what? There are support groups for women just like you,
too! They usually meet once a week, and as you talk and
share, you learn to regain your own power. I have
seen women's lives
changed by support groups. Sometimes, if a man is
verbally abusive and discovers that his wife will no
longer tolerate it, he changes. Sometimes.
Remember,
a physical abuser, with counseling, has a cure rate of
only 20 percent. That is with counseling. I never
encourage a woman to stay with a man who hits her.
THE
LIE: I deserve to be beaten.
THE
TRUTH: Nobody deserves that.
When we
are accustomed to men who treat us badly, it is all we
know. It is all we expect. It is all we need. We have
convinced ourselves that we are not worthy of a good man
or respectful treatment. We have learned to survive on
abuse. It becomes our "fix".
Before
therapy, I could attend a party or business function and
there might be 12 men at the event. Eleven of them would
be kind, considerate, polite, and loving. I would
somehow focus on the 12th man. The sick one.
Why is
that? Because there was this self-loathing part of me
that could find the man who also hated himself. Like
tends to attract like -- it's a law of the universe. It
was my sickness reaching out and recognizing his
sickness. We would inevitably gravitate toward each
other.
Do you
believe you deserve to be hit? Did your father hit you?
If not, were you a little pleaser as a child and never
outgrew it? "Daddy's little girl." She knows
that by being cute and coy, Daddy will approve of her.
Are you
repeating this same behavior in your relationship with
your abuser? Do you revert to a young girls mannerisms
when your abuser is angry? I did -- with both my father
and John. In the case of my father, this occurred in my
adult years as well as during my childhood.
How do
you feel after being hit, kicked, choked, or raped by
your abuser? Do you feel intimidated, shamed,
submissive, or beaten down? Do you feel all those
things? That is how he wants you to feel, and you have
fallen into his trap. How convenient for him! Is it
convenient for you? It must be. You stay.
THE
LIE: All men are terrible.
THE
TRUTH: Just the ones you have been attracted to.
During a
support group, one woman who was having a hard time
giving up her abuser (although she was not married to
him) stated: "These men are all the same. A bunch
of creeps."
This
wasn't true, and I had to speak up. "That just
isn't a fact. What is a fact is this: You are attracted
to creeps. Likewise, you put out vibes, and the creeps
are attracted to you. They pick up on your
signals."
She was
adamant. "No, they're all creeps. I'll never
believe any differently."
I don't
know why, but I started crying. I wanted to reach her.
"Listen to me for a minute, please. Mr. Right could
come along and knock on your front door, but you'll
never know it because you'll be inside, in bed, with
your abuser."
THE
LIE: I stay because I love him.
THE
TRUTH: Look up the meaning of "love."
What you
have isn't love. It is control (ours), fear, and
obsession.
Because
I love to write, I would pour out my emotions in long
letters to John. I didn't mail these letters; I just
wrote them. I had packed them away, but I ran across
them later when I moved.
Yuck!
They were full of self-pity and games. I could see just
how controlling I had been. I was trying to make him
feel bad for what he'd done. Then I'd tell him I
couldn't live like that and never would again. Then I'd
start asking him why he did the things he did. It was
one big game, and it made me sick to read these letters.
What was I thinking? I was trying to keep him hanging on
through self-pity, denial, control, and immaturity.
Why do
we deny? Because it is easier than changing.
THE
LIE: By denying that I am abused, it isn't really
happening.
THE
TRUTH: Denial does not change facts.
Do you
stay because deep down you enjoy feeling sorry for
yourself? Come on, admit it. I had to! I sometimes
enjoyed the newfound respect I received from John while
wearing the bruises he gave me. It made him nicer. It
was a very sick pattern.
You know
the tricks of the trade -- wearing short-sleeved blouses
around the house so he can see the bruises. Wearing
shorts so he can see the marks on your legs.
Exaggerating a limp or movement so he will be sure to
notice the pain he has inflicted.
It is
nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of the pattern.
What we are trying to do is make him feel the shame that
he should feel. The only problem is, he won't feel it!
If he did, he'd stop, so wise up! Who are you fooling
anyway? You know the answer. Yourself!
THE
LIE: He will stop.
If I
leave him for a short period of time, he will know I'm
serious and stop hitting me.
THE
TRUTH: Why would that work?
Why
would that make him change? You still returned to him.
The abuser looks at our actions, which means returning
to him. This tells him we are willing to accept his
abuse.
THE
LIE: My children need their father.
THE
TRUTH: Get real!
Do you
understand what you're doing to your children? You're
destroying them! Stop making them the scapegoat.
Although your children will be protective of you and hug
you and cry with you after a violent scene, they will
begin to resent you and lose respect for you. This is
what happened to John.
Statistics
prove that if you stay with an abuser, your son stands
seven times the chance of growing up to become an
abusive adult. Your daughter stands three times the
chance of becoming a victim. You've taught them how to
function in that role. You are their role model. Like
your abuser, they learn from your actions, not your
words.
Can you
imagine being six years old and hiding in your bedroom
while your father beats your mother? She's screaming and
crying and begging for mercy. You hear him hitting her
and kicking her and calling her names that a
six-year-old should never hear.
What do
you do if you're this child? You can't leave. You're a
prisoner. You have no choices. You're forced to live
like this. You don't want to bring friends to your
house. Mom always has black eyes, or Dad might come home
and start yelling. Then your secret is out. What a
nightmare!
I
believe that if domestic violence continues to grow in
the numbers that it has, the courts are going to start
removing children from these homes. Keeping them there
is a form of child abuse. You may not hit your child,
but there are things just as bad.
Your
friends may be supportive, but let's face it -- they're
going to grow tired of listening to your sob stories.
You ask advice but continue to live with the abuser. You
don't really want advice -- you want to vent.
Venting
can do you good. The only problem is when you continue
to do it over and over and over again. What good can
that possibly do? It will not change your situation at
home. Telling someone else what your abuser perpetrates
upon you does not bring about healing. Talking about why
you stay will.
THE
LIE: When he hits you, it is your issue.
THE
TRUTH: Why he hits you is his issue.
This is
your issue: why do you stay? When you get to the bottom
of your issue, you will start to get mentally healthy.
While
answering the Crisis Line at a shelter for battered
women, I take calls from victims wanting to know if
there are groups for men who batter. Their husband has
not asked them to call. They do it on their own, to try
and get him help.
The
women are the ones who need help. They're trying to step
in and rescue this man who doesn't feel the need to be
rescued. They don't see the lie. If he really wanted to
change, he would be calling and asking for help.
 This
article was excerpted from:
Whose
Face Is in the Mirror?
by Dianne
Schwartz.
Reprinted with permission of Hay House Inc. ©2000. www.hayhouse.com.
All of the profits generated from this book will benefit
Louise Hay's nonprofit organization, The Hay
Foundation, which diligently works to improve the
quality of life for many people, including battered
women and people with AIDS.
Info/Order
book
About The
Author
Dianne
Schwartz, the survivor of an abusive marriage, is the founder and
president of Educating Against Domestic Violence, Inc. (EADV), a
nonprofit organization providing assistance to battered persons. She is
available for presentations on the subject to organizations and
educational institutions, and can be reached through her Website at www.eadv.net
or through the Hay House publicity department.
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