Challenges
to a
Lasting Relationship
by Dr. Bonnie
Eaker Weil
"Of all the
misconceptions about love, the most powerful and
pervasive is the belief that falling in love is love
or at least one of the manifestations of love." -- M. SCOTT PECK
 People who are
married or in committed relationships are healthier,
wealthier, and happier. So why do more than 60 percent
of marriages end in divorce? Why has the national
divorce rate climbed more than 200 percent in the last
thirty years? And why are fewer people getting married
today than ever before?
The answers to these
questions are plentiful, but the main reason is simple.
It's easy to "fall" in love, but very few
people know how to stay in love. Even though staying in
love is our "smartest" choice all the way
around! Recent studies on marriage prove it's one of the
major ingredients in life-long success for men and
women. "It lengthens life, substantially boosts
physical and emotional health, and raises income over
that of single or divorced people or those who live
together," reported an article in the New York
Times. Marriage has also been found to boost happiness,
reduce the degree of depression, and provide protection
from sexually transmitted diseases.
So let's wake up,
make up, and turn this trend around! One of the most
startling pieces of evidence that shows people are not
in touch with what's really going on in their
partnerships is the fact that the majority of people who
file for divorce say they didn't think there was a
relationship-threatening problem just six months prior
to breaking up. Another shocker is that most couples
wait six years or more to seek professional help when
their relationship
is in danger. By the time they do wake up and smell the
coffee, it's often too late.
Truly there is no
reason to resign yourself to a bad relationship --
whether you're dating or married. Rather than changing
partners and ending up this same predicament again, you
can learn to have a fabulous relationship with the
partner you already have! I strongly encourage you to
make the relationship you have work, because there is a
higher rate of divorce and adultery in second marriages.
Getting rid of your
partner does not get rid of the problem, because half of
the "problem" is yours. You can walk out on
your marriage, but you can't run away from yourself, no
matter how hard you try! Rather than blaming each other,
couples can learn how to work as a team and coach each
other through the troubled times and power struggles. To
do this, you must create a "safe" relationship
so you can express your needs and fears and effectively
resolve anger and conflict. More relationships break up
because people don't know how to validate each other
(that frustration escalates to become anger) than for
any other reason. This is truly a shame, because the
skills for "fighting fair" are very easy to
master with just a little practice and patience.
One of the biggest
causes of unresolved anger between people is a lack of
understanding. Men and women have different strengths
and weaknesses, different ways of expressing ourselves,
and different "childhood wounds" that we're
trying to heal. While it may seem like we're from
different planets we are actually very much alike when
it comes to our need and desire for love and intimacy.
We only behave differently in our quests for closeness.
Stop doing what you think is "fair" or
"right" and start doing what works! It's not
about "working harder" it's about
"working smarter".
Can
this relationship be saved?
The vast majority of
relationships can and should be saved and revived. In
almost every case, couples can learn how to keep their
relationships alive and growing, and reap the rich
rewards of real and lasting love. Twenty-two years of
family therapy practice has given me the certainty that
almost any relationship can be turned into a great one
if the people involved are willing.
I realize these are
bold statements, but the statistics of my family therapy
practice speak for themselves.
More than 98 percent
of the married couples in my practice who learn the
skills (which I also teach in my book), make up instead of
break up, and have very happy and love-filled
partnerships.
More than 98 percent
of the singles who use these same skills enter committed
relationships or get married to partners they love.
Perhaps even more
striking is the success rate of my couples who have
experienced adultery. Whereas infidelity causes 65
percent of breakups nationwide, this statistic can be
cut down to 2 percent if couples learn the skills to get
to the root of the problem and work through it. I know it's possible
because 98 percent of the couples in my therapy practice
who have experienced adultery discover their
relationship is worth keeping. These couples stay
together because they wake up their love and need for
each other and make a conscious choice to commit to the
relationship, move toward forgiveness, and stay
together.
Dead ends are
turning points
Those of you who
believe you've reached a dead end in your relationship
or in your dating are actually at the perfect point to
turn things around. Whether you're struggling with a
relationship stalemate, wounded by adultery, frustrated
by not being able to get past the third date, concerned
about your long-distance relationship, or grinding gears
instead of enjoying the shifts and changes that go hand
in hand with relationship building -- you can learn how
to make up, stay together, and move forward toward real
and lasting love. The success rate of my patients who
use these tools and skills in their relationships is so
dramatically higher than the national averages that I
felt compelled to share this information with as many
people as I could -- so that you can have as much success
in your relationships as my patients are having.
Too many people break
up before they make up a solid couple. At the onset of a
relationship or marriage, there's fascination, the
promise of untold happiness, and the thrill of the
chase. But at some point things begin to change. One
partner may begin to withdraw for no obvious reason,
leaving the once-pursued confused and insecure. At this
point many relationships stop before they've really
started. There comes a point in every relationship where
we either wake up, or we break up.
Every relationship
holds the potential for "sudden shutdowns".
What's both exciting and stunning is that this turn of
events can actually solidify your partnership -- if you
know what to do. There is no perfect relationship or
person out there, so stop looking for perfection and
work with the partner you
have -- or the one you're about to start a relationship
with. Don't wait for the "right time", move
now! Every relationship offers the experience we need to
perfect our skills. In fact, the relationship process
offers the perfect opportunity for personal as well as
relationship growth.
Most relationships
can be saved but you have to wake up, shake up -- and
possibly even break up -- before you can make up. Married
couples can learn how to stay together and reap the
harvest of real and lasting love. Singles can learn how
to keep a relationship growing, instead of stopping it
before it starts. The truth is that men and women are
actually very much alike even though the ways we behave
and express ourselves can make it seem like "men
are from Mars and women are from Venus." Both men
and women are from Earth and we can all learn to change --
and
enjoy the ride!
Forget the rule
books
The first step in
beating the odds is to throw away your rule books!
Misguided rules like "Don't make the first move", "Don't sleep with him (or her) until
you get what you want", or the flip side of that:
"Seduce him (or her) to get what you want",
"Make her jealous", "Make him chase you", "Wait at least one week before you call
back for another date", and "Play Hard to Get", are leading us further away from each other,
instead of bringing us together. These rules may appear
to work while you're dating, but after you're married,
just try playing "Hard to Get" when it's time
to take out the garbage or the baby is crying!
When you use rules
that don't work, your anxiety level goes way up! We
don't need rules, we need tools: straight answers,
skills, dialogue, and action steps that work! I call
these tools Smart Heart Skills because we must use our
heads and our hearts to create the relationships we'd
love to have.
Forget the rigid
rules if you want to create and sustain a love-filled
relationship. Thousands more relationships would be in
full swing right now if women would give up rules such
as "Men have to make the first move". Women
are more prepared in many ways to make the first move.
Our socialization and upbringing makes us more
comfortable with connection skills. As children, while
we were orchestrating a night on the town for our Barbie
and Ken dolls, the boys were making battle plans with
their GI Joes. While we were having tea parties, they
were having plastic sword fights! In short, we've
learned different skills and have strengths and
weaknesses in different areas. That's why men and women
complement each other in a relationship.
For single women,
making the first move might be giving a man your
business card or phone number, inviting him out for a
date, asking him to dance, or sending a drink to his
table at a restaurant or night club.
For married women,
making the first move might be inviting your husband for
a romantic evening, bringing home travel brochures to
plan your next vacation, or calling him at work to tell
him you have a fun surprise ready for him when he gets
home.
Another old rule that
wreaks havoc in a relationship is the idea of
"using sex" to get what you want. Women have
been unwisely taught to use sex as a way to get men to
comply with their wishes. This is one of the most
destructive rules around. Sex is a way to build intimacy
and give each other pleasure. Having sex and withholding
sex may work as a form of manipulation early on in a
relationship, but sooner or later this technique will
create resentment and bitterness.
Let go of your old
rules and ways that don't work for you -- or for him --
and
be creative in taking the initiative to get things going
and keep them going strong. Remember, tools not rules!
So don't break up;
wake up and make up!
 This
article was
excerpted from:
Make Up, Don't Break Up - Finding
and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples by
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.
Published by Adams Media Corporation, www.adamsmedia.com
Info/Order
this book
About The
Author
Bonnie Eaker
Weil, Ph.D. is one of
America's best-known relationship experts. She has appeared on the Today
show, Oprah!, A Current Affair, The View, Sally, Ricki Lake, Montel, Maury
Povich, and Extra. New York magazine has named Dr. Weil one of the city's
top therapists, and her work has been featured in Good Housekeeping, The
New York Times, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, and New
Woman. She is also the author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin. The
author can be reached at 212-606-3787 for information regarding
sessions, lectures, and seminars; or through her websites www.doctorbonnie.com,
www.makeupdontbreakup.com,
www.smarthearttherapy.com.
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