Being
A Conscious Single
by Joel Rachelson,
Ph.D.
 Unfortunately,
being single today is not easy. Understatement, I guess
in light of the many single ads, books, services, and
options which attempt to address this life status. There
are two fundamental problems here. One, it is difficult,
for a number of reasons, to be at peace with being
single. Two is that it is very difficult to meet other
singles, in most any environment much less a healthy
environment or process. This search for other singles is
made more difficult when trying to find others who are
conscious as well.
"Conscious?"
You say, "What does that mean exactly?" In
dictionary terms it means "perceiving or noticing
with a degree of controlled thought." In regular
words, it means to have the capacity for a divided
awareness or co-consciousness. All this really means is
that one can take a step back in their awareness of
themselves, or of themselves with others, or of
themselves in relationship to tasks, objects, the world,
etc. One has the capacity to self observe. Certainly,
being conscious is one of the hallmarks of our humanness
and is in fact becoming a growth industry, both in the
amount of it (thank the creator!) and in the kinds of
things that are by-products of it. Those who are
conscious seem to share interests in healthy, holistic
living, personal growth, spirituality, metaphysics,
recovery, social issues, and the environment.
Being a
conscious single means two things. First, is that you
are someone who has conscious capacities and hence
conscious interests. Second, is that you go about your
singleness and your path to connectedness with a certain
amount of awareness. I think of this awareness as the
capacity to be an adult or grownup with yourself, and it
has three areas of focus: historical, internal, and
external.
It is
vital to be co-conscious regarding one?s historical or
childhood legacy, one?s internal relationship with
one's self, and one?s external behavior. This is one
of the main points I make with my clients -- that it is
incumbent on the grownup part of them to be present and
therefore self monitored in these areas. For the
conscious single, being aware in these ways will make
for a healthier, saner, and hopefully more successful
life. When we are operating with co-consciousness we are
coming from a calm, centered, confident place as opposed
to the anxious, needy, frantic, reactive, or insecure
place.
The
historical component has to do with how our family of
origin has influenced us in our lives. Our childhood and
family experiences create a kind of imbedded programming
that is pervasive in impact. In regards to being single,
our imbedded programming can be affecting how we feel
about being a single person, how we search, who we
search for, what our expectations are, and even how
successful we are. So it is incumbent on our conscious
internal therapist to uncover the historical programming
that might be interfering with us and do some editing.
The first step is awareness. This programming is complex
and pervasive, and sometimes difficult to change.
Because
of space limitations, let?s look at just one part of
this scripting. How easy was it to get what you needed
in your family? How this "need meeting"
happened and what you had to do for it can, I think,
influence how you feel about meeting someone, how you go
about it, and what you have feel you have to give to
become coupled. Ponder this with awareness and see where
you get.
The
internal focus or one?s self-self relationship is a
crucial aspect or ingredient necessary to have a saner
existence. Inner self awareness leads to a competent
internal grown up. I tell my clients that my job is to
teach them how to develop a good internal grown up and
competent "internal psychologist". As this
aspect grows they then will accomplish solving the
problems they came to see me for and then can fire
me!
In terms
of being a conscious single, it is imperative that we
have a healthy relationship with ourselves before we can
have healthy interpersonal relationships. How can we be
intimate with others if we aren?t intimate with
ourselves? And becoming intimate requires us to be
conscious and, as said earlier, internally skilled.
The
external focus is simply the development of successful
behavior strategies for meeting others and how to
healthily go about dating. This can range from how you
put yourself in a position to meet others, to evaluating
your expectations, or to maintaining the basket theory
of dating (as in don?t put your eggs in just one
basket).
 This
article was
excerpted with permission from
"If Life is a Game, These
are the Rules - Ten Rules for Being Human"
by Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
Info/Order this book
About The
Author
Joel
Rachelson, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist and the founder/director of
Conscious Singles: The Network for Professional Connections. The goal of
the Conscious Singles is to create a supportive community of committed,
caring, and conscious singles. Visit the Conscious Singles website at www.conscioussingles.com
where this discussion continues. The author can be contacted at
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