Ten Truth Skills
by Susan Campbell, Ph.D.
(Editor's Note: While this article was written for singles in the dating arena, its information can be applied to communication skills in all relationships.)
Honesty does not come naturally to most people, but it is a skill that can be practiced and learned.
I feel a deep sadness when I hear people tell me how much they have
been hurt in their dating relationships and how this has caused them to
approach each new relationship with fear or to give up on relationships
altogether.
Given such past experiences, singles need a recovery
program -- a way to reconnect with their open, undefended, essential
nature; a way to build inner strength so that when things don't work
out, they can use the situation for learning and growth instead of as
an excuse for giving up or playing it safe. This is where the ten truth
skills have an important role to play.
The truth skills are actually
life skills. They involve awareness practices and communication tools
that, when combined and practiced together, allow people to feel more
grounded in their actual here-now experience. By using these skills
people learn to be more present and aware of what they are sensing,
feeling and thinking in each moment, instead of getting caught up in
fears about the future and regrets about the past.
Some of the truth skills are most useful in the beginning stages of
meeting and getting to know someone. Most apply to all stages. All of
these skills assist you in learning to trust yourself to be more honest -- to trust that whatever the outcome, you will be able to handle it.
Below is a list of the ten truth skills. The rest of this chapter will
consider how each of these skills applies to Truth in Dating.
1. Experiencing what is
2. Being transparent
3. Noticing your intent
4. Giving and asking for feedback
5. Asserting what you want and don't want
6. Taking back projections
7. Revising an earlier statement
8. Holding differences or embracing multiple perspectives
9. Sharing mixed emotions
10. Embracing silence
Truth Skill #1 Experiencing What Is
Experiencing what is helps you make the distinction between what
you actually experience (see, hear, sense, feel, notice, remember)
versus what you imagine (interpret, believe, assume) to be true. This
enables you to notice and comment about what you see or hear your date
doing instead of jumping immediately to conclusions about what this
behavior means. For example, you notice your date is not looking at you
when he speaks. Instead of assuming you know how he feels, as in, "I
see you're uncomfortable with this topic," you'd say, "I notice you are
looking at the floor as you speak, and I'm thinking that maybe you're
feeling uncomfortable.... Are you?"
Experiencing what is teaches people to "stay on their own side of
the net," that is, to speak only about what you see, hear, feel, or
think and to refrain from telling the other person what he or she is
feeling. "I see you looking at the floor" is an example of staying on
your side of the net. That's your own experience. "I see you are uncomfortable" is getting over on the other person's side. That's your interpretation about the other. Can you see the difference?
If you get caught up in believing your interpretations about another
person's behavior, this will interfere with your ability to experience
what actually occurred. And when you respond to this other person,
you'll be responding to your interpretation about what she did instead
of what she actually did. This can cause all manner of misunderstanding
and needless pain.
Noticing vs. Interpreting
To get practice with this skill, think of something someone did or
said that triggered in you an automatic reaction of hurt, anger, fear,
or judgment. As you think back to this, notice if you are having
trouble recalling exactly what was done or said. Often when a negative
reaction is triggered (when a "button" has been pushed), we tend to
remember our interpretation about the other person's behavior, but not
the behavior that gave rise to the interpretation. If the behavior was
something like the person saying, I have to go now,' interpretations
like, "He's bored with me," "She doesn't have time for me," or "He's
losing interest" are quite common.
See if you can recall the other person's actual words. Now reflect
back on the interpretation you gave to the words. When my colleague
Simone did this exercise, she recalled an attractive man named Dirk
addressing a sentence to her that began with the words, "At your age
..." Simone did not hear anything after that. She assumed she knew what
he was going to say -- something that implied that she was too old to be
attractive to him. She remembered her reaction, which was a tightening
in her belly and some self-talk: "He's not interested in me as anything
other than a friend. Better give up any ideas about having a romance
with this guy." So she concluded right then and there that she and Dirk
would be friends and nothing more.
Can you see how Simone jumped to a conclusion -- how she went
immediately over to Dirk's side of the net? She did not tell Dirk what
she heard or what she felt, and she didn't ask him what he meant. If
she had, she might have learned something about him and his feelings
toward her. As it was, she stayed safe from the truth by using her
protective control pattern. The truth might hurt, so she didn't take
any chances.
As witnesses to Simone's little drama, we know that the truth from
Dirk might not have hurt. She might have been pleasantly surprised. Or
once Dirk learned that she had romantic feelings toward him, he might
have taken a more romantic interest in her. Such things do happen! But
the natural course of events was not allowed to unfold. By interpreting
Dirk's behavior, instead of experiencing what is, Simone "took
control," and short-circuited the real possibilities inherent in the
situation.
Truth Skill #2 Being Transparent
To be transparent is to be willing to be seen, warts and all.
Many singles imagine that if they let a date or potential date know
their vulnerabilities, they will be rejected. Yet my experience as a
dating person and a dating coach has shown that most people become more
appealing when they reveal their sensitive, vulnerable sides. It isn't
your competence or attractiveness that creates an emotional bond
between you and another person. Your needs and your vulnerability do
that. Most people like to feel needed, so when you reveal your needs or
insecurities, people feel there is a meaningful role for them to play
in your life.
By this, I am not suggesting that you present the story of your
wounds and misfortunes in vivid detail. I am talking more about being
open about your feelings, impressions, wants, and self-talk related to
your interaction with the person in front of you.
Noticing What You Avoid
Are there certain things you tend to hide from others? Are there
things you know you could never say on a first date, for example? These
represent areas where you do not feel safe about being transparent,
about being seen. Take note of these areas or topics, because they
reveal areas where you have unfinished emotional business. One man I
interviewed told me he could never tell a woman that he was
nonmonogamous until after he had been dating her for at least a month.
When I asked why, he explained that he felt vulnerable about this since
in his past, he had often been criticized and put down for his sexual
lifestyle. He wanted to feel he really could trust the woman before
telling her about this aspect of himself. I felt empathy for this man's
position, but I also thought about how the woman might feel. Some of
the women in my study said they felt manipulated when a man saved such
news until a sexual bond had already been formed. These women said that
if they had known sooner about the man's sexual lifestyle preference,
they probably would have ended the relationship sooner. As it was,
these relationships did eventually end.
Being transparent does not guarantee that people will always love
you or that they will always want to stay with you. But even if telling
the truth does lead to the early demise of a potential relationship,
there is likely to be more warmth and respect for someone who tells the
truth right away versus someone who waits too long.
Transparent Talk
Here is an example of how you might practice being transparent on a
date. Let's imagine for a minute that your date has just said something
that hurt or offended you. Instead of hiding the fact that your
feelings are hurt, you might say, "Hearing you say that, I notice I'm
feeling hurt" or "I notice I'm shutting down." Can you see yourself
doing this?
Truth Skill #3 Noticing Your Intent: Is It to Relate or to Control?
Do you communicate to relate or to control? Do you know the
difference? When your intent is to relate, you are most interested in
revealing your true feelings, learning how the other feels, and
connecting heart-to-heart. When your intent is to control, you are most
interested in getting things to come out a certain way -- avoiding
conflict, getting the person to like you, being seen as knowledgeable
or helpful, et cetera. Communication that is controlling aims at
creating a favorable impression. Communication that is relating aims at
knowing and being known, seeing and being seen. Relating uses the first
two truth skills, experiencing what is and being transparent, to
connect with others.
Most people are not aware of their intent. They may be aware that
they want to be understood, but that's about all. Even the intent to be
understood can be controlling. So instead of thinking that all your
communications are simple and transparent self-expressions, I urge you
to humbly acknowledge the fact that sometimes you are trying to get the
other to understand you the way you wish to be understood, trying to
create a certain impression, or even attempting to manipulate the other
person into giving you what you want. Controlling is not a bad thing
when it is done candidly and with awareness. But it is destructive to
trust when it is done covertly or unconsciously.
Are You Ready to Relate More and Control Less?
Learning the difference between relating and controlling can help
you deal better with unpleasant emotions such as anger. Let's say your
date just showed up an hour later than agreed, and you are upset. You
have several options:
- You can express your feelings in the interest of transparency,
with the intent to reveal yourself in a nonjudgmental way (relating);
- You can act like it doesn't matter -- even though the truth is that you are feeling upset (controlling);
- You can be cold and distant as a way of punishing him for being so thoughtless (controlling);
- You can tell him you're upset and ask him what happened (relating);
- You can tell him that you notice one of your childhood fears is
being triggered -- e.g., the fear that he doesn't really care about your
feelings (relating);
- You can tell him that if he is ever an hour late again, and doesn't call, you'll probably stop seeing him (controlling).
Can You See the Difference?
Can you see the difference? Relating involves self-disclosure,
curiosity about the other person's reality, a willingness to be
vulnerable enough to allow yourself to be affected, and an ability to
step back and notice your reactions. Controlling involves one-way
communication, an attempt to get the other to feel bad, or an attempt
to look good or appear on top of the situation. Relating grows out of
the desire to be real, to be transparent. Controlling arises from the
need to be right, to play it safe, to punish, or to avoid feeling
vulnerable or uncertain. Relating builds trust and intimacy.
Controlling leads to mistrust and defensiveness.
Truth Skill #4 Giving and Asking for Feedback
Giving feedback is the act of verbally letting the other know how
her actions affected you. Being open to receiving feedback means you
are curious about and willing to hear how your actions affect other
people. In a relationship, your honest feedback or response is one of
the greatest gifts you can give to the other. Most people don't get
very much valid feedback in their daily lives, and they long for it. If
you decide to take on Truth in Dating as a practice, you are committing
to being an instrument for helping others become more conscious. Of
course, some will not want your feedback. It's important to establish
up front in any new relationship whether or not the two of you are
going to practice Truth in Dating. One way to establish this is to tell
the other about the concept as described in this book, and then ask if
they are interested in this type of relating. Or you could simply tell
your date that you are seeking friendships where people agree to tell
the truth about their feelings and give one another honest, uncensored
feedback.
How Does It Look?
Here is an example of when this skill might be appropriate: If you
imagine you just said something that was offensive to your date, you
might ask, "I'm wondering how that remark came across to you. I got the
impression that you didn't like what I said."
Or what if you were feeling upset about the other's remark? Then,
you might offer feedback saying, "When you asked me why I didn't go to
work today, I felt a tightness in my chest and a flush of anger in my
face. I didn't like you asking me that. I imagine I took it as an
attempt to control me."
Be Specific
Feedback is most useful when it is specific -- that is when you use
Truth Skill #1, Experiencing What Is, to help you name and describe
what the other did or said. Be specific about what was actually done or
said, not what you imagined or interpreted. Otherwise, the other
doesn't know what you are responding to. Instead of saying, "When you
didn't listen to me, I felt hurt," say, "When you walked away while I
was talking about our vacation plans, I felt hurt." Can you see the
difference between being specific and making an interpretation? "When
you didn't listen to me" is an interpretation. It's you getting over on
the other person's side of the net and telling him what was going on
inside him. You can't know whether or not he was listening. All you
know is that you observed him walking out and you felt something in
your body as a result.
Hearing You Say That, I Feel...
Another sweet and useful way to use this truth skill to help you
maintain and deepen your here-now contact with another person is to use
the phrase, "Hearing you say that, I feel ..." If my date tells me I
look beautiful, I'd reply, "Hearing you say that, I feel a rush of
energy in my body." Or if he said he was planning to go out with a
friend at a time when I was hoping to see him, I might respond,
"Hearing you say that, I feel disappointed." After giving feedback,
it's really important to use Truth Skill #10, Embracing Silence. I'll
describe this more fully below, but in this context, to embrace silence
means to stop talking after you have said what you feel, rather than
explaining yourself. To speak a simple feeling and then to be quiet
allows a deeper contact than if I said I felt disappointed and then
went on to explain or justify why I felt this way. It takes fewer words
to speak the truth.
Truth Skill #5 Asserting What You Want and Don't Want
Expressing what you want and don't want is a wonderful way to be
open and transparent. Many people are afraid to ask for what they want
in a dating relationship for fear of either not getting it or of having
the other person give it to them out of obligation. When we express
what we want we make ourselves vulnerable. Asking to have our wants and
needs fulfilled reminds us of when we were little and helpless and
dependent. If we cried for attention and didn't get it, we felt lost,
lonely, or afraid. Now, as adults we may he reluctant to risk doing
anything that might remind us of that very vulnerable period of life.
Asking for what you want is an act of trust. You are taking a step
into the unknown -- not knowing how the other may respond. At times,
your mind may go to the thought, "What if he feels controlled by my
request?" I have heard several of my male friends say that they have a
hard time saying no to a woman, so they'll give a woman what she wants
and secretly resent her for asking. This thought can interfere with my
spontaneity, so my practice is to notice when such an idea gets in my
mind and clogs up my ability to perceive reality.
Asking for a Second Date
Imagine that you are enjoying a first date with someone you are very
attracted to, but you are not sure how she feels about you. You could
try to indirectly draw out her feelings about you, or you could ask her
how she feels. Or you could practice being transparent about your
wants. In Truth in Dating, the chief goal is to communicate from the
most real, most transparent and undefended place you can come from.
Your focus would be on stepping into the unknown by revealing your
innermost thoughts and feelings without knowing how you will be
received. This generates a and aliveness between two people. You might
say something like this :"I'm sitting here thinking about how much I'm
enjoying being with you. And I'm wondering how you are feeling. I hope
you'll want to see me again. I'd really like to spend more time with
you." Then listen to what she says and notice what she does.
Remember, the important thing about asking for what you want is the
act of asking, not the outcome. The very act of asking is an act of
self-support. You are affirming your worthiness to receive. If you do
not get what you want, you will be okay. This lesson will become
apparent as you get more relaxed about asking. The more you ask, the
less important it becomes to get everything you want. It's when you
don't ask very often, and only ask for a few really big, important
things, that you tend to put too much weight on getting what you ask
for. It's important to learn to ask for what you want easily and often.
This will help you become free of the attachment to getting everything
you want.
Truth Skill #6 Taking Back Projections
The phenomenon of projection explains why opposites attract and
later repel. If some aspect of my own personality is unconscious or
suppressed, I may find that I have a pattern of being attracted to men
who exhibit this quality in spades. For example, I was conditioned to
see myself as competent, strong, independent, and responsible. I tend
to be less aware of and comfortable with my weaknesses and
vulnerabilities: my self-doubts, my fears, my insecurities. So what
kind of men am I attracted to? I am attracted to men who have
overlearned the very qualities that I have underlearned -- men who seem
more comfortable with their own dependent feelings, men who allow their
emotions to overtake them at times.
Opposites attract, but then after a while those very qualities that
drew me to a particular man may become quite unappealing. At first, I
liked how open he was to his emotions. But now, I find he is so
overcome by his fears and insecurities that I wind up having to handle
more than my share of the worldly responsibilities.
Have you ever been attracted to someone for some wonderfully
appealing quality only to discover a few months down the road that this
very same quality turned you off? That's the first half of the
projection process -- the way that you're attracted and later repelled
by someone who is your opposite personality type. The second half of
the process involves taking back or rediscovering your hidden or
suppressed quality. You notice that quality in the other, and now,
instead of criticizing him for this, you recognize that "dependency"
(for example) is a hidden aspect of yourself. Now, from this more
enlightened perspective, being in this other person's presence can help
you connect to this less conscious aspect of your own being and perhaps
find value in it.
How Projections Affect Attractions
The dating game offers many opportunities for projections to
operate. Most of our attractions are based on projections. A
supermasculine male is attracted to a superfeminine female. He has
disowned his softness and his nurturing side. She has disowned her
ability to take power in the world and make things happen. They get
together, and if things continue for a while, each learns from the
other something about his or her hidden or less developed side. Or a
high achieving woman is attracted to a sensual, feeling-oriented man.
Through the relationship, just by being around each other, she gets
more in touch with her sensuality, and he gets to connect more fully
with his ability to get things done.
Truth Skill #7 Revising an Earlier Statement
Revising an earlier statement is also known as "going out and
coming in again." This means giving yourself permission to revisit a
particular interaction or moment in time if your feelings change or if
you later connect to some deeper feelings or afterthoughts. For
example, after telling your date that you'd be interested in going out
with her again, you later realize that you aren't attracted to her, but
were afraid to hurt her by telling the truth. So you decide to revise
your original statement. You call her up and tell her, "I realized
after you asked me about getting together again that I didn't feel safe
about telling you the truth about my feelings. I was afraid of hurting
you. What's true for me is that I'm not feeling attracted to you. I
want to respect you by being truthful with you."
This truth skill can be useful any time you realize later on that
your feelings have changed. You simply let the person know, "After I
said such and such, I later realized there was more to it than that.
What I now feel is ..." Or, "When I said such and such, I realize now
that I wasn't very present or aware. If I had it to do over, I'd tell
you ..."
Truth Skill #8 Holding Differences or Embracing Multiple Perspectives
The reason many people fear intimacy is that they fear losing
themselves in a relationship. If you know how to practice holding
differences, you won't need to fear losing yourself. Holding
differences refers to the ability to listen to and empathize with
opinions that differ from yours without losing touch with your own
perspective. For example, imagine that you and the person you have been
dating disagree on whether to tell your children that you two are
having a sexual relationship. In holding differences, you might tell
your partner, "I respect that you don't think I should be completely
honest with my kids just yet, while I, on the other hand, want to tell
them anything they ask about."
Active Listening Helps
If you and a person you are dating encounter a difference of opinion
or values, a good way to practice holding differences is by using
active listening. In active listening, you listen to the other's
viewpoint and then, before you state your own view, you restate what
you just heard the other say, and ask if you have heard it correctly.
Then you state your view or position.
Active listening can also be used if you find yourselves in a really
tough conflict situation. Let's imagine, for example, that you believe
in sharing the details of how intimate you are being with the other
people you are seeing; but the other person does not want to talk about
such details, even though she has agreed to practice Truth in Dating.
It's a common occurrence that when two people commit to truth-telling,
they will eventually encounter differences in how they define the
concept.
Rather than trying to get the other to change her mind, this
truth skill would counsel you to both practice holding differences. You
would each take a turn expressing your feelings, views, and wants,
while the other listens and then repeats back what he hears. Make sure
both people get a turn -- or several turns, until each feels heard. Do
not attempt to reach agreement. Simply feel into and hold in your
awareness your own view, and alongside this, your partner's view. See
if you can take the position that you really want your partner to get
what she wants, but at the same time you really want to have what you
want. Often simply holding the two positions in your consciousness side
by side allows for an interesting transformation to occur. People
report that somehow their positions mysteriously shift, or their fear
of not getting their way dissolves. This is not a logical process, but
rather some sort of emotional alchemy.
By holding differences over a period of time, you learn to be less
resistant to the discomfort associated with differing positions. As you
learn to relax into rather than resisting such discomfort, your
resistance to your partner's position also relaxes. You learn to bind
tension better. ("Binding tension," or the ability to contain
conflicting feelings, has long been seen by psychologists as a sign of
emotional intelligence.) Thus, you becoming a "bigger," more
emotionally mature, person.
Truth Skill #9 Sharing Mixed Emotions
This truth skill comes in very handy when you want to tell
someone the truth but at the same time are concerned about her
feelings. If you are like most people, you can probably think of at
least one or two people in your life with whom you're afraid to say
something for fear of hurting their feelings or offending them. Take
some time right now to think of such a person. How do you feel as you
consider telling this person your feelings or thoughts? Do you notice
any mixed feelings -- such as the desire to clear the air alongside a
fear of being misunderstood? If you do have mixed feelings, expressing
both feelings can add depth to your communication. This type of
communication can also help the other see your humanness and your
positive intent.
Mixed Emotions on a First Date
I have used this skill often on a first date when I want to tell a
man that I do not want a second date with him. Here's how it might go:
One of us raises the question, "How are we feeling toward each other,
and is there enough interest to want to see each other again?"
Sometimes, before responding to this question, I'll just be silent with
him for a while. I want to establish a nonverbal connection before I
start talking about such a potentially sensitive subject. Then I might
tell him that I'm willing to share my thoughts and feelings if he wants
to hear them. At that point I might look at him and say, "I'm having a
mixture of feelings. I know I need to be completely honest because I
respect you so much. At the same time, I'm afraid of hurting you. I'm
pretty sure I don't want to see you again, and as I say this I'm
concerned that this will hurt you. You see, I have come to care about
you as we've been getting to know each other."
This scenario is only one of many possible ways to express mixed
feelings. I never do it the same way twice. But the time when I did
express myself using those words, my date told me he was very touched
and felt very close to me. He said that my words did hurt him some, but
he also said it was the sweetest rejection he'd ever experienced!
Truth Skill #10 Embracing Silence
Authentic communication depends as much on silence as it does on
words -- the silences between your words and the silence you leave after
you have spoken as you await the other's response. Silence is required
to allow your words to sink in. As you speak, you hear yourself better
when there are silences. Listening to yourself is an essential
ingredient for presence. Silence between words also provides room for
new ideas and feelings to gestate and take form -- yours and the other
person's.
When you can embrace silence, you do not need to know everything in
advance or have all the blanks filled in. You understand that there are
many things that cannot be known all at once or once and for all. These
things emerge gradually as we get to know the other person.
Avoiding the Silence of Presence
Have you ever noticed yourself asking a question and then, before
the other person has had a chance to respond, answering it yourself?
When I notice myself doing this, I know it's an indication that I'm
avoiding the discomfort of simply being present with the other person.
Just the other day when I was with my boyfriend, I noticed a pain in my
hip that I wanted him to massage. I started to ask, but as soon as I
asked the question, 1 felt anxiety about how he might react. I had the
impression from a previous conversation that he had other things on his
mind, so I began to imagine that my question was an imposition.
The
truth was I had no idea how he would respond. And there was really no
reason to be anxious. But I was. So instead of allowing him to respond,
I said something like, "Oh, I don't really need this right now," thus
staying in control and avoiding the silence, the experience of not
knowing. This mundane example shows how the ego mind works. If it gets
the tiniest bit uncomfortable, it initiates a control pattern -- in this
case the pattern of filling the silence to manage my anxiety.
The most important thing about embracing silence in a human
interaction is that it allows for feelings to be fully experienced -- your inner feelings and the feelings being exchanged. This helps you
develop your ability to notice what is and prepares you to communicate
with more of your whole being, so you're not just coming from your head
or your automatic control pattern. I recommend that you pause before
speaking -- to check in with yourself, to get grounded in your bodily
sensations, and to connect with the other. This takes a few seconds of
silence. During this silence, energy is building to support the contact
between you and the other person.
Chapter Summary
The ten truth skills in a nutshell are:
1. Experiencing what is (You can sense and identify your present
feelings and sensations. You can notice and not identify with your
assessments, projections, and interpretations.)
2. Being transparent (You can disclose to others what you are feeling, sensing, imagining, or saying to yourself.)
3. Noticing your intent (You can consciously reflect on the intent of your communication: is it to relate or to control?)
4. Thriving on feedback (You are open and curious about others'
impressions and reactions to you. This is different from being
dependent on others' reactions.)
5. Asserting what you want and don't want (You can express a desire
clearly and with full contact, without expecting to get everything you
ask for.)
6. Taking back projections (You understand that you may be attracted
to someone who has overlearned the very qualities that you tend to deny
in yourself. You know how to use this understanding for self-awareness
and healing.)
7. Revising an earlier statement (You can revisit an interaction if
your feelings change or if you later discover a deeper level of
expression.)
8. Holding differences (You can hear and empathize with someone
else's feeling or viewpoint while at the same time holding a different
feeling or viewpoint.)
9. Sharing mixed emotions (You can communicate your multiple feelings about an issue or situation.)
10. Embracing silence (You can allow empty space between your words
or between your words and those of another person. You can acknowledge
the nonverbal emanations in the silence. You can tolerate uncertainty,
ambiguity, and not knowing.)
This article was excerpted from:
 Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real
by Susan M. Campbell.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, New World Library. ©2004. www.newworldlibrary.com
Info/Order this book.
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About the Author
Psychologist Susan Campbell has worked as a teamwork consultant to
Fortune 500 companies, a professional speaker, and, for over 35 years, as a
dating and relationship coach. She is author of several other books, including her ground-breaking The Couples Journey
(over 100,000 sold) which introduced the idea into the mainstream of
using intimate relationships as a spiritual practice. Her website is www.susancampbell.com.
More articles by this author.
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