Healing
Human Communications
by
Rick Phillips
The
present condition of human communication is
primitive. We may think that because of the
development of high-tech machinery,
fiber-optic communication networks, and the
ability to see and hear into the far reaches
of space that we must be quite advanced in the
field of communication; after all AT&T
guarantees that we can talk to natives in New
Guinea. But all this is just technology that
broadens our boundaries of the universe; it
has little effect on our ability to listen
with our heart to another being or, for that
matter, to God/dess. Being able to clearly
hear a voice overseas does not mean we are
really listening to that soul. Hearing only
means that the ear is perceiving sound. Real
listening is conscious.
We
are poor listeners most of the time. Even if
we are listening, communication requires a
medium of connection and the ability to make
sense of the information that is being
relayed. The language of the information must
be processed (translated) into understanding.
Language must be learned; if it is not, the
result is thought to be a serious block to
human development.
Since
interpersonal communication is the flow and
exchange of energy between people, it is not
only a daily part of life but a necessity of
life. We don't live on a deserted island. We
need to communicate every day and, for most of
us, it is the activity we engage in more than
any other. Whenever we are with others, we are
drawn into relationship and communication
connects us to that relationship.
The
dynamics of communication can be simplified.
At any given moment, communication includes
the one who is giving energy and the one who
is receiving that energy. In his book Between
People, Dr. John A.
Sanford uses the analogy of playing catch. One
person holds the ball and announces his
intention to throw the ball to another. He
goes through the motions and propels the ball
into the waiting hands of the other. For the
game to succeed, there must be some rules by
which to play i.e.;
-
don't
throw the ball until I'm ready to catch
it;
-
don't
throw it over my head; and
-
don't
throw it too hard.
In
other words, in this game, let me treat you as
I would like you to treat me. The game may
last as long or as short a time as we both
agree. If we can't agree, one or both of us
may feel hurt. Then our emotional bodies get
involved and add more difficulty to the
process.
The
object of the "communication" game
is not to be competitive. It is not like
tennis, in which we are trying to hit the ball
so it can not be returned to us, or like
football, where we must stop the person with
the ball from reaching the goal. The purpose
of communication is for both people to
benefit: the one who gives feels fulfilled in
the giving, and the one who receives feels
fulfilled in receiving. When both people can
give and receive, the process works perfectly.
Likewise, in our spiritual life we have to be
open to the flow of energy in both directions.
We don't just demand of God/dess; we
communicate so that we can both give and
receive. We experience both sides of the coin
in balance, and each side is full.
More
practically, if someone is talking to us, we
must not just hear them; we must be ready to
listen and respond. This is a skill we learn.
It requires the ability to be in the present
moment and to be open to what the other wants
to share with us. This is not always easy;
many issues can block what seems to be a
simple process. Do I even want to listen? Am I
prepared to listen? Many times we assume the
other is available, willing, and interested.
Such assumptions may be based on false beliefs
or empty wishes. Also, am I physiologically
able to listen -- am I fatigued or clearly
attentive? For example, how many school
children are really able to listen to their
teacher on a hot, muggy day after a heavy
lunch? Sometimes we ignore such simple causes
for communication failure.
When
someone lectures to us with no intention of listening to
our response, after awhile we start shutting down
because the energy is not completing its cycle. Such
lecturing may be based in another person's agenda
without agreement from the receiver, as in compulsory
education. Lecturing that occurs in interpersonal
relationships can often be an avoidance mechanism that
blocks intimate connections, or it can be a defense
mechanism to hide our fears.
Similarly,
a person may make an announcement or declaration that
requires no response: "I'm going home!" or
"I have nothing else to say on that matter, case
closed." We can feel cut off and disappointed with
this type of communication. We may want to relate, but
the other has unilaterally decided to shut down the
communication process.
Shutting
Down
Because
human beings are generally poor communicators, we have
developed behaviors to compensate and protect ourselves
from painful communication. How many times do we try to
get our message across before we finally give up? It is
common to see communication fail. It happens every day;
it becomes habitual. The result is that we stop
listening or we shut down emotionally. When we stop
listening, we disconnect ourselves and withdraw from
relationship or find something else to occupy our
attention. It requires a certain degree of courage to
open ourselves to communication because when we connect
with another person it is not always pleasant. If we
have been hurt often, communication becomes conditional
and guarded, as if we were saying, "I will only
listen to you if you promise not to say anything that
will hurt me." Of course, this doesn't work because
our initial fear about "what might happen" has
already biased our ability to be open and receptive.
Sometimes
a person approaches us as if they were wearing a
baseball catcher's protective equipment -- chest pad,
face mask, shin guards, etc. They are so defensive that
we can't quite find the real person underneath it all to
whom we can relate. If the person is shut down or
"absent," how do we connect with them? How do
we connect with someone who is not available, whose
behavior says, "I'm uninterested", "I'm
afraid", or "Leave me alone"?
These
few examples of difficult communication behavior
demonstrate the complexity and broad spectrum of human
communication. How do we learn to be successful in our
communication when blockage and failure are the rule?
Taking
Risks
We must
choose to be conscious and take the risk, even though we
will be hurt from time to time. Our expectations may be
shattered and it won't always be fun. The human heart
breaks, but the irony is that the heart is resilient and
learns and grows stronger. The heart evolves through
experience. We find that we do survive, that we can
handle it, and that from our expanded spiritual
viewpoint, it's all okay. Once we take this step and
choose to be open, to be conscious, our intention and
attitude can be adapted to help our situation.
Pure
Intention
Our
intention plays an important role. Ideally, we make a
conscious choice, with clear responsibility, to pursue
relationship without conditions. When we set our
intention to be present and available to someone, we
fulfill our role as the listener, being openly attentive
and receptive. Then we have accomplished our part of the
partnership. Spiritually, we remain clear and unattached
to the outcome.
The
Dalai Lama once told me, "With pure intention, with
a pure heart, go forward in action with no regret."
If our intention is clearly to be there for someone, to
be in relationship with an open heart, then anything can
happen, and we can be free of regret. Karma will play
out as it needs to. We don't need to be attached to the
outcome.
The
process of communication allows the energy to flow for
the purpose of playing itself out, and we face it openly
and consciously. By our example, we demonstrate
openness. Instead of shutdown, openness can become the
norm. Instead of communication being conditional, it can
be about honesty and trust.
We can
communicate our intention to be present, regardless of
the response or action, because we can handle it. We
don't want to be codependent -- we don't need to promise
or agree to take responsibility for the other person's
behavior; but we can be available and we can be
responsible for our own responses and feelings in this
interaction.
This article was excepted with permission from the book Healing
Communication: A Psychospiritual Approach by Rick Phillips, published by Deva
Foundation, NM 87535. You may order his book at www.deva.org
 Recommended
book:
"Peace, Love and Healing : Bodymind
Communication and the Path to Self-Healing - An Exploration"
by Bernie Siegel
Info/Order
this book
About The
Author
Rick
Phillips draws on over twenty years of work as a practitioner in
spiritual and psychospiritual fields. He is cofounder, with his wife
Rachel Kaufman, of the Deva Foundation of New Mexico, where he works as
a facilitator. Rick is a practitioner of Chinese medicine, and has
taught meditation practices. For additional information about Rick and
his work, you can reach him at: Deva Foundation, P.O. Box 309, Glorieta,
NM 87535 USA, by phone at 505-757-6752 or by email at
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
| Comments () >> |
 |
 |
