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Don't
Tell Me What To Do!
by Marie T. Russell
 "Don't
tell me what to do!" We've heard that
said many times... we've even said it, and at
times when we didn't say it, we thought it!
"Don't bug me! Don't get on my case!
Don't tell me what to do!" Sounds like a
teenager speaking... ah! but it is! It's that
inner teenager that most of us still carry
around inside.
That
teenager has had enough of being bossed
around... being told what, when, where, how,
and why to do things. Never having any say in
the matter... or if he/she did have some say, did anyone listen and pay attention? Mostly not.
So
that teenager still resides inside many of us.
Mine pops up when it's time to exercise. (It's
not a four-letter-word, but I swear my
inner-teenager thinks so.) I sat myself down
(along with my inner teenager), to get to the
root of this attitude. The "I don't want
to exercise" attitude.
What
I asked myself was "why don't you want to
exercise?" "Dunno." (Sounds
like a teenager response, doesn't it?) So what
came to me was that it wasn't so much the
exercise that "I" was resisting
(after all, we all know that exercise,
especially once we're out of our teens, is a
needed attribute to staying healthy, fit, and
full of vitality).
So,
what was I resisting? Ah! Being
told that I "had to" exercise!
Who was telling me? Not my doctor, though I'm
sure if I went to see one, I might get that
advice. Not my husband, though, he also is
aware of the benefits of exercise. So who
then? ME! I was the one telling myself to
exercise. Logical, right? Yes, except that my
"inner teenager" was resisting
having me (the adult "me") telling
her what to do.
So
how to get out of this dilemma? Definitely by
sitting down and talking to "her"
and finding out what type of activity (notice
I did not call it exercise, since she
considers that a "dirty word") she
would like. So we came us with a list of
things that are fun to do: walking, jumping on
the trampoline, riding a bike, playing tennis,
etc.
I
then gave "her" (we're still talking
about my inner teenager) a choice... My
thought was that perhaps by offering her a
choice between various types of exercises
(oops, activities) to do each day, she would
be willing to participate (or at least to let
the adult "me" participate).
So
we made a deal. Every morning I let her choose
which type of "activity" she would
like to partake in that morning. Now, I must
admit that she's still "testing" me.
There's still quite a few mornings that she
says she doesn't want to do any
"activities". OK, I'm giving her
some space on this one. I have complete
confidence that if I don't impose my will on
her, she'll come around... After all, she
doesn't want to be living inside an old saggy
tired overweight middle-aged woman (who me?)
whose main exercise is moving fingers on a
computer keyboard...
So,
we're still working on that one... some days
we exercise, some days we don't. But, we're
accepting the fact that we have a choice...
And that no one is "forcing us" to
do anything. We do what we choose, when we
choose, if we choose to.
Another
time my teenager rebels is with food! She
sometimes trips me when I'm reaching for the
lettuce in the store, and "makes me"
pick up pastries, cookies, and ice cream
instead. Mind you, in this area, we have a
better understanding. She is a teenager after
all, and is very conscious of her looks and of
"looking cool", so in the food area,
we have less of a tug-of-war. But even there,
I have to "make deals" with her.
We'll
agree that cookies and ice cream are ok, but
decide on an acceptable amount for both of us.
Now, I've noticed that she can be sneaky about
this. If I take the whole bag of cookies and
say I'll only eat five, before I know it,
she's distracted me and eaten the whole bag.
After being fooled like this a few times, I
now only take out the specified amount of
cookies (actually, to make her happy, I take
out a couple more than I "should" --
that makes her feel like she's won). I also
dish out the ice cream in a small bowl (very
small) and fill it so it's spilling over. That
way, she feels like she's getting a whole
bunch.
Yes,
I know, this may seem manipulative to some of
you. But after all, this teenager and I reside
in the same body, and, since I'm older and
wiser (we hope), I do feel that I "know
best". (I hope she didn't hear me
say that! Or I'll be bingeing on ice cream for
a week!)
So...
What's the answer?
The
solution is to make friends with your
"inner teenager". Become a team! Set
goals and agree on how to reach them in a way
that is fun and that gives both of you
"space" to be who you are. We
sometimes treat our inner teenager the same
way we were treated as teenagers. Do this! Do
that! Don't talk back! Behave! Be still! (Aaaaghhh!)
We
need to respect our inner teenager, so that
she can then learn to respect us. We need to
acknowledge her needs, her fears, her
emotions, and open up a dialogue with her.
Yes, we can talk to our inner teenager. How?
Simply sit down, close your eyes, and ask her
some questions. Ask her about the areas of
your life that aren't "working out".
Ask her about why you're having certain
difficulties... Ask her if she's upset with
you and why... You may be surprised at the
answers!
Recommended book:
Awaken Your Strongest Self: Break Free of Stress, Inner Conflict, and Self-Sabotage
by Neil Fiore.
Discover how you can: Break free of old, ineffective pattern; Step up to your "new brain" and voice; Awaken the five qualities of your Strongest Self; Put everything together to achieve your goals.
For More Info or to Order This Book.
 About The Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also
produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from
1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and
well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own
inner source of joy and creativity.
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