Actions
Speak
Louder Than Words
by
Tracie Ann Robinson
[Editor's
Note: While this article refers to the relationship
between a man and a woman, its insights can be applied
to all relationships -- parent-child, co-workers,
siblings, friends, etc.]
 I had a man tell me that the problem
women have is that we get more hung up on a man's
words than we do their actions. He meant that we don't
always see if a man walks his talk. We get all caught up
in the words, and ignore the value of his actions.
How many of us get snowballed by what
a man says to us? All those sweet nothings he whispers,
the perfect comment at the perfect moment, and the
feelings those words give us. But how many of us
actually put more weight or at least equal weight on
what they display for actions? I'd venture to say not
many of us.
And why do we do that? That is the
real question. Perhaps some of us just get so caught up
in the fact that a man is merely talking to begin with.
And even more so the fact that they are talking to us.
How many of us walk around life starving from lack of
conversation, stimulating conversation, with a man?
When we first meet someone we are
intrigued by what makes them click -- how they view
life. We compare interests and goals. We even analyze
whether or not we can see ourselves sharing our life
with them. Let's face it -- as women we crave
conversation. The saying that we never run out of
something to talk about is accurate. We always have
something to say and want someone to listen.
So why don't we look at a man's
actions? Probably because very few actions mirror the
words we hear. We like the way their words make us feel.
And only after the relationship is over do we realize
that we were fools in taking only what they said to us.
Does that make us terrible people? No, but it sure does
make us feel like a fool at times.
Another man told me the secret --
men know what women want to hear so they tell us, in
order for them to get what it is they want. I don't
know if it's that calculated, but it would make some
sense, even if it's instinctual.
If we were to start judging a man by
his words and actions, what would be the outcome? For
me, the outcome would be sweet. I wouldn't feel
disappointed or used, less naive, and more respected. I
can say that every time I've valued only the words I
heard was the times that I was let down.
And who let me down? Me. I am the
one that rationalized why they never called me, or sent
me flowers, or sent me love notes, or just plain put in
as much effort as I did. I settled and that hurt me in
the end.
So what have I done about it? Well
it's still a practicing effort, but I don't just
listen to what a man says. I look to see the connection
in a man's actions. Are they putting as much of an
effort into the relationship? Do I feel that they really
feel what they say they are feeling? And to a fault, I
am skeptical at best that they truly mean what they say. Our
best ally is our gut feeling -- and we are very guilty
of ignoring it. When we ignore it we are destined to get
hurt.
I've seen women that only give as
much as they receive from a man, they never share more
than what is shared with them, and they never let a man
know how they truly feel. I am not suggesting that is
the solution, but to a degree there is something to be
said for it. Personally, I can't do that.
I know only one way to be -- up
front, open, and loving. To hold back makes me
think I am robbing myself of the full experience of
sharing with a man -- it feels like betrayal. But the
catch 22 is I am much more vulnerable to being hurt. As
one of my friends says to me -- you'll learn after
you've been hurt a 100 times. Well I never claimed to
be a quick learner -- but a 100? I don't think one's
heart can bear that much hurt.
Recommended book:
Sustaining Joy
by Shirley Knapp and Nanette McLane.
Info/Order
book
About The
Author
Tracie Ann Robinson is a
woman on a mission of self discovery. She was recently divorced having
been married her whole adult life (she is now 31). She is a professional
woman and writes part-time with the goal of sharing her relationship
experience and insights. She has written several
other articles
for InnerSelf Magazine.
She can be reached at:
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