Gifts
of Solitude
by Zenith Henkin Gross
Americans
are deeply ambivalent about the solitary person in our
midst. On the one hand, the lone hero is much admired in
national folklore -- the cowboy alone on the ridge at
sunset, the daring adventurer on the road (most often a
man, but in contemporary life, women also, as seen in
the wonderful 1991 film Thelma
and Louise) --
all free of bonds. There's been a kind of romantic
admiration for the loner, sometimes with a pal, who
strikes out, independent and self-reliant, roaming the
backroads and having adventures that can only come to
those who are unfettered and isolate.
On the
other side of our ambivalence is the belief that to be
alone, even temporarily, is to have been abandoned and
to be sunk in a black misery of loneliness. This is
understood to be particularly dreadful for women, many
of whom have been, for most of their lives, so busy
dealing with life on behalf of what feels sometimes like
multitudes of people that to be alone must, it is
argued, feel like a soul-shattering desertion by fate.
As many
older women can wryly testify, a little alone time after
lifetimes of juggling work and family is not quite the
sentence to desperation that men, especially, have
outlined for them. It is believed that it was a male
physician who coined the term "empty nest" to
refer to the time when a women's child care
responsibilities had shifted (they never end) to adult
children, and then, often, to grandchildren.
For many
women, the period when there are no more children at
home has poignant moments of nostalgia, to be sure, but
most survive nicely, feeling more the emotion sung in
the civil rights anthem, "free at last, free at
last, thank God Almighty, free at last."
Five
Steps to Harvesting the Fruits of Solitude
Becoming
friendly with ourselves alone is a gradual learning
program that includes these steps:
1.
Move toward wholeness by grounding yourself in a basic
idea: all human beings need some kind of human
connection that includes a degree of intimacy. No one
can exist in health as a hermit or recluse, except
perhaps the most productive of geniuses and even they
always seemed to know how to get a good dinner at a
friend's house.
But
given the probability that most older women will have
someone -- children, grandchildren, friends, colleagues
-- with whom some portion of their life can be shared, a
certain comfort immediately appears because, in truth,
one is not completely alone in the world. There are even
many settings in which colleagues provide a great deal
of needed human connection -- the armed forces, company
workplaces, offices, institutions, and organizations of
all kinds.
2.
Take a fresh look at the phenomenon of solitude itself.
Of course, voluntary solitude is much to be desired, but
given the circumstances of older women, involuntary
solitude is more likely, and so the task of finding
one's "self" is part of the process of
exploring the benefits that developing a capacity for
solitude might yield.
3.
Embrace the alone time, and consider it beneficial. It
might help you tap into the creativity that exists to
some degree in everyone; it need not be as formally
structured as picking up a brush to paint or sitting at
the piano to compose. However, solitude can allow a
return to creative, imaginative pursuits that have been
abandoned since childhood. Women who always meant to
learn a musical instrument, or make pottery, or keep a
journal or a diary, or study languages are, sometimes
quite suddenly, able to imagine a self that does those
things in a pleasurable solitary pursuit.
4.
Maximize the possible gifts flowing from your burgeoning
capacity for solitude, gifts that include the chance to
sort things out, especially after a loss. There is a
certain amount of grief work, for widows and for all who
have lost close intimates, that has to be done alone. It
is wonderful to have the comfort of friends and family,
but, in the end, the widow must lie alone in the dark
and begin to come to terms with loss, as must the
newly-divorced or those separated in any way from a
world they once knew. These slow approaches to healing
cannot all be experienced in the company of others, no
matter how much reassurance and help they provide. And
the solitude necessary for sorting things out also
applies to other important life decisions, notably
moving away from home, changing jobs and careers, and
dealing with disappointment and betrayal -- all benefit
from alone time, no matter how useful it is to talk to
partner, friend, or therapist.
5.
Develop a true understanding of yourself and work on
your ideas and deepest beliefs. Getting to know one's
deepest feelings, opinions, and attitudes is one of the
hardest tasks of living -- at any age -- but it becomes
more and more necessary as we age so that we can shape
our "third age" in a way that gives us the
most serenity and pleasure.
The
ideal, of course, is to balance solitude and connection,
but for American women, the need to always be in the
company of others has been part of their socialization
as women, as citizens, and as workers; so widowhood or
not remarrying after divorce presents special challenges
that might be enriched by the gifts of solitude.
Whether
in solitude or in companionship, there exists a kind of
pride in making do, in carrying on, in holding things
together. Author Barbara Holland wrote a book called One's
Company in which she looks at the need for
connection and closely analyzes solitude. She writes:
"It's important to stop waiting and settle down and
make ourselves comfortable, at least temporarily, in
this moonscape, and find some grace and pleasure in our
condition... like a patient, enchanted princess in a
tower, learning to wring honey from a stone . . . after
all, here we are. It may not be where we expected to be,
but for the time being, we might as well call it
home."
As we
seek the transforming power of love, as we seek deeper
understanding of ourselves and those around us, we must
summon all our courage to choose our old age and to
believe that we can make it rich with meaning. Albert
Camus, the French writer, said: "In the midst of
winter, I finally learned that there was in me an
invincible summer."
Those of
us in the winter of our lives can find that summer, too,
if we remain open to the wonders of the world.
This
article was
excerpted with permission from:
Seasons of the Heart: Men and Women Talk About Love, Sex, and Romance After 60
by Zenith Henkin Gross.
Published by New World Library,
Novato, CA 94949. Copyright. www.nwlib.com
Info/Order
this book.
About The
Author
ZENITH
HENKIN GROSS, 75, has worked as a journalist for more than thirty-five
years, both as a freelancer and for the Associate Press. She is also the
author of And You Thought It Was All Over: Mothers and Their Adult
Children. This article was excerpted with permission from her book
"Seasons
of the Heart".
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