Do You Fear Being Lonely?
by Richard C. Michael Ph.D.
Do
you feel lonely because you do not have family around you? Do you feel as if the
earth is throwing a party and you are the only one that was not invited? Do you
feel that you have not arrived until you have a family to validate your purpose
in life? If so, you have made family a priority because you have a terrible fear
of being alone. Family means everything to you, and you will do anything to keep
it together. You will, if needed, compromise and sacrifice yourself and your
happiness in order to have or hold onto your family.
This fear is fueled and perpetuated by those that place significant emphasis
on their family, especially during the holiday season and to the importance
which they have been conditioned to place on family at that time. You have been
programmed to think that you are not complete unless you have a family or
someone close to you in your life.
Am I degrading the nuclear family or personal relationships? Of course not!
Remember, what is important is that you have a relationship with yourself first.
And what may be interfering with your having a relationship with yourself is the
fear to feel the pain of loneliness.
Let's put loneliness and being alone in its proper perspective. If you have a
need for a family then the relationship you have with your family is based on
fear and not love. Which means you cannot take or leave your family, because you
have your identity in them. Loneliness is the offspring of fear in this
relationship.
If you want to be with your family, which means you can take them or leave
them, then your wanting to be alone is the offspring of love in this
relationship. You have your own identity and you do not need a family to be
happy or to validate you. Before you ask, "why would I want to leave my family?"
Allow me to explain what I mean by this.
As you know, everything changes and evolves, and also those that make up
families change and evolve. Family members such as children will eventually go
on with their lives or possibly even proceed you in death. No matter how much
you try to hold onto them, the inevitable fact is that they will pass on, as we
all will. If your happiness and identity is dependent on the family, what
happens when the family is no longer there or becomes separated? You become
devastated and lonely.
Do you see why a lot of cultures have been destroyed once they were separated
as a tribe? Their relationship with their tribe was not based on want but need,
which fathered a dependency on the tribe for their well being and existence. The
destruction of the tribe resulted because each one had unresolved issues
regarding loneliness and the pain associated with it. And being in a group
buffered the feeling of loneliness and pain.
But sooner or later they, like anyone else, had to deal with their pain. They
created situations in order to become liberated and free in identity rather than
having to identify with a group. The tribes were destroyed because after the
tribe separated they lost their identity and began to see themselves as victims
rather than individuals.
I think that loneliness is the worst pain that anyone can feel. The reason is
because loneliness is a hollow pain which only truth can fill. There is a key
distinction between being alone and feeling lonely. Being alone is when you
voluntarily spend time alone in order to heal your heart by entering deeper into
it and discovering more about yourself. The time you spend alone is productive
because you are aware that you created the moment to heal and, as a result, you
are not coming from a place of fear but love.
However, loneliness is when you are feeling completely alone and empty
because there is no one to fill that hollow feeling that either your family or
someone else filled. The hollow feeling is a result of your fear of being alone.
You are afraid to go within your heart and allow truth to fill that void. You
are unaware that you created the moment to heal, so instead you think of
yourself as a victim does. Before truth can fill the void you must first feel
the pain of loneliness and then embrace it.
If you are going to heal the loneliness and the pain that is deep within the
heart, then you must find time to be alone. Presently, you may be having a
difficult time with your children, spouse, etc., and feel as if you need to
escape or get away. Your need to escape is your way of creating a situation to
heal that part of your heart that has been deeply wounded by the pain of
loneliness. So, rather than resist or delay the healing, either find time to be
alone and begin to feel the loneliness and the pain or tell your family that you
want to have time alone because there is something in your life that you want to
heal.
Once you are alone, do not occupy yourself with television or some other type
of entertainment -- this will only distract you from feeling the pain of
loneliness. When the pain surfaces, begin to appreciate it and then embrace it.
Search your heart and find the time in your life where you really felt the fear
of loneliness and then replay that scene. See the scenario of the situation but
change the reality by saying, "I have no need for anyone or anything. I am alone
at this moment because I want to be alone not because I need to be alone. From
this moment on, my time alone will be productive because I choose it to be. When
I want to be around people I will be around them and when I don't want to, I
will not be around them but be with myself."
You will not only begin to feel the fear leave you but also the pain. You
have begun to heal the heart and remember, if you are beginning to cry deeply
that is because the heart is releasing the sadness it has been holding onto for
a very long time. As a result of this exercise you will not only have a freer
and closer relationship with your family but also you will subtly find yourself
no longer needing but wanting to be with them.
 This
article is excerpted from:
I Am That I Am
by Richard C. Michael,
Ph.D.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, New Earth Press. Copyrighted.
Info/Order this book.
Recommended book:
I Am Whole Now That I Have Cancer: Reflections on Life and Healing for Cancer Patients and Those Who Love Them by John Robert McFarland.
Info/Order this book.
About the Author
Dr.
Richard C. Michael has a Ph.D. in nutritional science and has been practicing
holistic medicine for over sixteen years. He is also a writer, author, teacher,
lecturer, poet, and professional speaker. He is founder and director of
Professional Holistic Healthcare in Central Florida. He is the creator of The
Barrier Breakthru Technique. For more information, visit his website
http://www.barrierbreakthru.com or call
407-671-8553.
| Comments () >> |
 |
 |
