Power & Vulnerability
in Relationships
by Susie and Otto Collins
The
paradox of vulnerability in relationships, the path to connection, is to allow
yourself to be both strong and vulnerable at the same time. When you do, it
allows your partner to get to see the real you with your defenses down. This
means no hiding. Not from yourself, not from your partner and best of all no
hiding from the truth.
Recently we had a conversation
with our friend George which was quite telling about how men in this society are
taught to deal with vulnerability. George told us about how he grew up on the
streets of Manhattan, and you just didn't show any signs of weakness. If you did
you were dead. He went on to explain that he would now confide his feelings to
both his male and female friends much more quickly than to his wife (if at all).
George loves his wife, and there is a deep bond between them but, he doesn't
want her to perceive him as being 'weak'. Plain and simple, George is typical
of most males in our society. They are taught -- don't show vulnerability. It's
the sign of weakness.
Women in our society are taught
to let a man lead. Women are taught to wait for a man to call them for a date,
for men to open doors for them, to ask them to marry them, to initiate sex, and
much more. Whether consciously or unconsciously, even the strongest women in the
corporate world find themselves allowing the lead in relationship.
Dotty was a
very successful labor consultant. Making three times the income her husband
made. Her friends were astonished when she confided in them that she would have
to ask her husband if she could buy a new pair of shoes.
Allowing yourself to be
vulnerable in relationship is the fuel that propels the relationship to move
forward and grow. If you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, what you are
doing is building walls to keep others from being able to hurt you. As life and
business philosopher Jim Rohn says 'the walls we build to keep out the sadness
also keeps out the joy'. Mona Lisa Schultz reminds us that it's not healthy for
your relationship, your emotions, or your body when one partner has all the
power and the other has all the vulnerability. In fact, either position can be
painful. You have to learn the joys and benefits of the opposite position -- of
being vulnerable -- when the occasion calls for it, and seizing power when
necessary.
In our relationship, we consider
ourselves partners who maintain a healthy balance between power and
vulnerability. Like many couples, our previous relationships were not that way.
Even though we were married for many years to our previous partners, neither of
us felt safe enough to truly be vulnerable with them. In Susie's case,
vulnerability was met with avoidance, distance, and perfunctory solutions to
problems. In Otto's relationships, he never felt safe enough to express
vulnerability, but did whatever was necessary to just 'get along' and somehow
make the relationship work.
This doesn't mean there wasn't
love in our previous relationships. It only means there was an imbalance of
power that didn't serve either partner or the relationship. When you don't feel
safe enough to tell your partner anything, in fear of how they might react or
what they might say or do, the passion dies and the relationship shortly
thereafter.
 Book
by these authors:
Should You Stay or Should You Go? Compelling Questions and Insights to Help You
Make that Difficult Relationship Decision
by Susie and Otto Collins.
Info/Order
this book.
About The Authors
Just
like you, Susie and Otto Collins are two people who've struggled with their
inner 'demons', made mistakes in all areas of their lives, but now are learning
to "do" relationships and life differently. Their belief is that Spirit put them
together for their own personal growth and to shine the light of hope for
others. Visit them at
http://www.collinspartners.com for more info about their work.
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