Becoming
Parents
by Barry and Joyce
Vissell
 For almost every couple, the thought of bringing
a child (or another child) into this world triggers a whole range of emotions.
There can be a tremendous thrill of joy, and many couples are aware of this; but
all too often this joy is covered by fear, doubt, or sadness. Why so much
heaviness around one of the riches experiences life has to offer a
couple?
Now that we have children of our own, we are vividly aware
of the several universal issues that almost sabotaged our own very deep desire
to have children — issues that we have seen apply to many other couples. I
mentioned fear, doubt, and sadness, but initially there really is only doubt,
and doubt breeds fear and sadness.
What are the big doubts? And where do they come from? One
of the deepest doubts arises out of all the pain and sorrow we've experienced in
life, our remembrance of the "dark" side of our birth, infancy, childhood,
puberty, adolescence, and so on. We've blocked out in various degrees the
goodness, the love, the soul growth. Yes, we do remember even our birth,
although the memories may be mostly unconscious perhaps, and we've allowed the
"negative" images of pain, or the jarring of our senses, to predominate over the
far deeper and nobler feelings of, for example, triumph or mastery. This
negative "take" on life, although really superficial, hangs us up and prevents
us from seeing our deeper feelings, as well as the incredible opportunity for
growth, mastery, and love that life offers. We, too, often get lost in the pain
and sorrow, rather than seeing them in perspective, as stepping stones along the
path to where we are now.
Personally, we were afraid of the tremendous
responsibility of having a family. We had the illusion (as many do) that we
would lose our freedom. We had visions of heavy chains binding us to the earth,
weighing us down with worldliness. We didn't know then that our illusion of
freedom was really irresponsibility and laziness. We didn't understand that real
freedom and happiness results from taking on responsibility gratefully.
Sometimes those of us on the path of consciousness make
the mistake of twisting spiritual truth into rationalizations for not having
children. We remember once deciding never to have children of our own because it
was far better to feel that all children were our children. In reality we were
tapping into deep spiritual truth, but rationalizing our fears nonetheless. Our
other brilliant argument was: 'We are all children, so why have children?" And
it's true, our deepest desire is to become children, to become all that is
childlike: open, trusting simple enthusiastic and loving. But, alas, we
discovered these arguments all had doubt, fear, and selfishness hidden behind
them.
We continued putting off having children for a long time.
Our first excuse was our education and professional training. Then there was a
year and a half spiritual pilgrimage. Finally, there were no more excuses. We
had to accept the fact that our desire to have children was blocked. We had
always loved children very much and had vivid dreams about parenthood, but
something was in the way. To one wise being we tried to explain how beautiful
our life was together, how we really didn't want it to change. He responded in
perfect simplicity that nothing is constant, that our life will change anyway.
That statement touched us very deeply.
In our spiritual quest, we can become very selfish,
thinking only of our own growth or our relationship as a couple. We fail time
after time to realize, as Saint Francis says, "It is in giving that we receive."
We selfishly want liberation, or enlightenment, or love, but the only way to get
these is to sacrifice our desires for them by helping the "strangers on the
steps below us." In her book, Initiation, Elizabeth Haich describes how during
one of her initiations she got to a step that was impossibly high. She saw no
way to mount it. It seemed hopeless. She then noticed someone else near her
trying to scale the same steps. She forgot herself for a moment and helped the
stranger up the steps. Imagine her surprise when she discovered she was at the
top! The helping of another lifted her up without her even knowing it.
Parenthood is a lot of work. Sometimes we get stuck just
seeing the work of it all — the diapers, the disciplining, getting up in the
middle of the night. It is then that we wonder why people glorify parenthood so
much. But when we look deeper and feel all that we have been given in return, we
know that it is one of life's most fulfilling endeavors. Our children have
brought a closeness between the two of us that we never thought possible. The
day after Rami was born, we looked at each other as if for the first time. A
whole new aspect of our beings had opened up for each of us to love — the father
and mother.
We have seen so many individuals and couples place greater
importance upon jobs, careers, and success than they do upon having children.
The world (our worldly mind, that is) tells us that fame, sex, and power are
more important. On a far more subtle level, our ego tells us our spiritual
growth is more important than having children. There is much confusion and
misunderstanding of the ancient teachings which say we must leave our family,
husband, or wife. This was intended to mean we must leave our attachment to our
family. Then, as well as now, we are being asked to change our attitude about
family life, not our physical involvement. In the same way, we are being asked
to loosen our attachments to all of life, but only while we are participating
fully in life. Many of us don't realize raising a family with love grounds us in
a way that deepens our spiritual growth and our service to humanity.
If a couple is committed, if they have consciously chosen
to make their relationship a shared path to God, the arrival of a child will
always expand their love. Their relationship will always be deepened, broadened.
Our children have brought us ever new opportunities for expansion in our
relationship. By giving love to our children, we were transformed quickly. What
we feared would be such a solemn sacrifice is becoming the thrill of giving.
What we feared would become so burdensome a responsibility is proving to be our
true freedom. What we feared would make us more worldly and materialistic is
instead balancing us, steadying us, and planting our feet more firmly on the
path of true spiritual unfoldment. With God's help, we found ourselves less
interested in our own "spiritual progress" and more interested in bringing the
inner beauty and strength of our children to the surface, to help them become
real servants of God. It is this that transforms us as well!
 This article was excerpted
from:
The
Shared Heart Relationship
by Joyce & Barry
Vissell.
Reprinted with permission. ©1984, published by
Ramira Publishing, P.O Box 1707, Aptos, CA. 95001.
Info/Order book
About The
Authors
Joyce
and Barry Vissell have counseled individuals and Joyce
Vissell and her husband, Barry, have counseled individuals and couples since
1972. Their favorite work is living what they write about-their own relationship
and parenting their three children in the hills near Santa Cruz, California.
They are also authors of several books including "Models of Love" and
"Risk to be Healed". Visit their website at http://www.sharedheart.org
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