NEW YORK - Responding to recent
events on Earth, God, the Omniscient Creator-Deity worshipped by billions of
followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified on
Monday His longtime stance against humans killing each other.
"Look, I don't know, maybe I
haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again,"
said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press
conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep
coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbors. Well, I
don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it
straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically
commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able
to understand."
"It seems that world leaders,
who feel it is OK to kill, feel they can BULLY anyone and get away with it.
If bullies live on your block, in your town, in your city, in your state, in
your country....PLEASE DO NOT PUT THEM INTO OFFICE. EVER!!! They are hard to
talk to, they don't listen and they don't care about what is good for you. "
His Almighty said.
Worshipped by Christians, Jews,
and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over
the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of
violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody
claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill
someone, they're wrong. Got it? No matter what you call me, think of me or
ask me to do, I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your
enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's,
ever again."
The press conference came as a
surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a
matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of
interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams,
and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task
of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as
a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was
motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He has felt over
the Sept. 11th violence carried out in His name, and over its dire continued
and potential ramifications around the globe since that time.
"I tried to put it in the
simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I
deemed it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah
respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd
left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence
with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear
can I get? Thou Shalt Not Kill".
"You have gone backwards,
refusing to see that there is one of Me and one of you. How dare you twist
my words by spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this
one, God wants me to kill that one, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's
not God's will, all right? No more enemies!!!"
News flash: 'God's will is:
'Don't murder people.' If you think the holy books say that you can, then it
is not my book. In my book, there is no more killing, of yourselves, or
others!!!"
Worse yet, many of the worst
violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible,
Torah, and Qur'an. "To be honest, there is some contradictory material in
there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading.
Especially if the interpretation was being made by bullies, I admit, My
translators didn't always do a good job. They twisted it to suit their
greedy, selfish needs of the day."
"I did My best to inspire them,
but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the
millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic,
doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this
stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's
God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."
God praised the overwhelming
majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the
perpetrators of the Sept. 11th attacks rare exceptions. "This whole medieval
concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim
world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God said.
"There's no such thing as a holy
war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the
murderous actions of these radical extremists." Continued God.
"Read the book: 'Allah is kind,
Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page
after page. But, no, some Bullies have to come along and revive this stupid
holy-war radical lie just to further their own hateful agenda."
God stressed that His remarks
were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone
whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the
core message of all world religions.
"I don't care what faith you
are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God
said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The
Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me
started. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn
the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands
on since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful,
God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you? Morons? There are a ton
of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship
Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same:
Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief
system under the sun, they all say you are to love your neighbors,
folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp." He sighed and said, "It is MY
world, MY universe. I put you here. You are lousy tenants!!! The fine print
on the lease is NO KILLING!!!"
"Why would you think I'd want
anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each
other -- you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were
freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a
higher standard of behavior. To separate you from the apes. How obvious can
you get? And who said you could play with nukes??? Now I know you're
idiots."
"I'm talking to all of you,
here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't
want you to kill anybody. EVER! I'm against it, across the board. How many
times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore -- ever! I'm
fucking serious!" He added, "There are no virgins waiting to reward you, so
get over it, what you think awaits you after you blow your ass off is not
fun, no way, not for you guys!!! I can tell you, because I know, remember I
created the whole damn thing."
Upon completing His outburst,
God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then,
witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
HEALING ART!!!
I
discovered the healing power of getting in touch with feelings while
struggling with a serious illness. Without realizing what I was doing, I
scribbled and doodled my feelings out on paper. These strange drawings
scared and puzzled me...
We're
blaming just about every waking moment of our days. From weather, to rude
drivers, to toothpaste caps, we blame and never think a thing about it. Oh
sure, more times than not we're probably justified in our accusations, but
so what! 
A
is for acceptance of myself and others. B is for blamelessness and removing
blame from my perceptions. C is for compassion for everyone everywhere. D is
for detachment...
The
best way to understand Gandhi's philosophy of nonviolence is to first
understand the extent of the violence we practice, consciously or
unconsciously, every day of our lives -- name-calling, teasing, insulting,
disrespectful behavior. These are passive forms of violence.
