Getting Along With Others
by Karol Kuhn Truman
Many
people have real challenges in their
relationships with other people. Are you one
of them? Whether your challenges are manifest
by the way you interact or react to a spouse,
a parent, a brother, a sister, a friend, an
acquaintance, an employer, an employee, or a
co-worker is determined by your past feelings
and how they have registered inside you. One
of the largest contributing factors to your
ability to freely enjoy other people depends
upon how much you enjoy yourself... how much
you accept yourself.
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"Accept yourself as you are. (Fat thighs, big nose, mistakes, health concerns, back pain, or other physical limitations notwithstanding.) This means more than a grudging realization that you'll never again be some way that you used to be or some way that you wish to be. Acceptance means actually honoring yourself as you are now... This allows you to stop judging yourself negatively, which invariably brings forth feelings of blame, shame, guilt, or fear and escalates the cycle of anxiety and tension."
Getting along with others can be simple or complicated, depending on how you look at it. If someone annoys or irritates you, for what appears to be no apparent reason, it's usually an indication that you sense or feel something in this person that you also sense or feel (sub-consciously) in yourself, that you don't like. In other words, the person annoying and irritating you is only a reflection of you -- a mirror.
An example of this would be:
You are a clerk in a retail store. Someone comes in to be waited on. From the very beginning of your encounter with this person, they demand your undivided attention. They act as if they're the only one in the store. Their behavior really "bugs" you, they are so demanding. You can hardly wait until they have completed their purchases so you won't have to put up with them and their attitude any longer.
What you don't realize is that you possess these same qualities -- qualities of superiority or of being demanding in your attitude, or you would not be resonating with them... they would not be bugging you. Right here and now, as you complete your transaction with them, is the time to take a look at the issue you may have where these characteristics are concerned. This person is only mirroring something that is in you.
This person is giving you a great gift. This person is there to teach you. When you have this kind of experience, a great opportunity for growth is presenting itself, and you may want to say to yourself, "Oh good, another chance to see a part of me I don't like." Take accountability for the distasteful part of you that you are recognizing in this other person. Process those feelings. You will be astonished and surprised at the change in yourself and your acceptance of others. All that is necessary in order for you to initiate this shift is:
1. Recognize the fact that a person is either irritating or annoying you, bugging you, causing you anger, or whatever the feeling.
2. Accept the possibility that you may have an undesirable attitude or characteristic in common with that person.
3. Be willing to let it be all right.
4. Have the desire to accept responsibility for a less-than-glorious trait.
5. Accept responsibility for the behavior. Process undesirable feelings and replace them with desirable feelings.
Another example:
You're at a party or a meeting with someone who enjoys making comments that you feel are totally irrelevant. You wish they would just be quiet and let the true order of business proceed without all their input. After awhile you can hardly enjoy anything that's going on because this person is so distracting.
If you haven't realized yet what is happening, perhaps at this point you'll begin to see that there is a part of this person's inappropriate (inappropriate, according to who?) behavior with which you identify. If you want it to cease bothering you, just quietly instruct your Spirit to "please locate the origin of the feelings causing Jane to bother you, irritate you," or whatever you want to label it.
Go all the way through until you come to the present, "filled with light and truth, God's peace and love, forgiveness of myself for an incorrect perception, and forgiveness of the other person. It doesn't matter, I see only the best in everyone, I accept everyone just the way they are, including myself" (or words to that effect). Then do your best to look at this person through eyes of acceptance and love. Not only will you feel better toward that person, but you will also be forgiving and accepting that aspect of yourself.
How does it cause you to feel when you have a strong disagreement or argument with someone? (It made me feel yukey! I always felt I had betrayed a vital part of myself.) Does it ever make anything better? (I never came away from an argument feeling I gained anything.) Is the issue ever resolved? And if so, in whose mind? Does it ever serve a purpose?
Can you imagine a life without arguments or unpleasant confrontations with others? Wouldn't it be wonderful!
Have you ever wished that you could bring an unpleasant situation to a screeching halt by saying something appropriate yet uncontroversial, and keep your cool at the same time?
There IS one way that you can defuse an argument, disagreement, or confrontation and remain true to your Higher Self. First of all, it's necessary to be willing to allow yourself to be wrong.
Let it be okay if the situation isn't resolved at that moment; let it be okay if no one wins; let it be okay if you don't get the best of the other person or make your point. You're only serving your ego when you feel you have to be right and win all the time.
I like what Joan Borysenko says in her book, Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, about the ego.
"The ego expresses its insecurities by judging everything, trying to ensure happiness by keeping everything tightly controlled. For this reason I call the ego the Judge. It splits life into two rigid categories, good and bad. Blindly seeking good and avoiding bad, it is caught in the illusion that it must be good in order to ensure its own existence."
And that is what we do when we feel we have to be right. In order to be good, we think we have to be right, thereby ensuring our ego's existence." (EGO has a wonderful acronym: Edging God Out). In the final analysis it usually doesn't matter whether we are right or wrong, anyway... unless our EGO is more important than peace.
If you can come from this posture -- that it doesn't matter -- keeping calm, just say to the other person as they start arguing with you, "Bless you, Jane or John (whatever their name is). Bless you."
The first time my 16 year old son said this to his 18 year old sister, she couldn't stay in the arguing mode, although she was poised and totally ready to go at it with him. When he said to her, "Bless you, Gina, bless you," it disarmed her so completely that she looked at him with shock registered all over her face, then she just started laughing. I've never seen anyone change their frame of reference SO fast!
Saying, "Bless you," certainly works wonders when you become irritated at someone on the highway, in the supermarket, or wherever else you may be. Just bless them instead of cursing them as you go along. The words we speak have powerful vibrations just like our thoughts and feelings. Even though the person you have directed your thoughts or words to can't hear you, you have created a thought field with your thoughts. The vibrations of those words go out to the person, and that person is affected by the positive energy coming from you.
Another way to stop an unpleasant outpouring of negative words and feelings from someone you are with, is to stay centered, stay calm and collected, and just say to them, "Thank you for sharing." Then drop it. Don't say another word, or change the subject. Usually, a person doesn't know what to say to this, and it automatically ends the discussion. Saying "Thank you for sharing" changes your energy on the matter and keeps you from getting emotionally involved or becoming reactive.
"Thank you for sharing," is also a good response to someone who continually complains about everything in life. Ordinarily these people are seeking sympathy, someone to agree with them, or idle discussion on the matter. They don't get any mileage out of their complaints when "Thank you for sharing" is your comment. And when you say, "Thank you for sharing," it's much easier for you to avoid involving yourself unpleasantly and lending your power to the negativity of the situation.
Direct love and caring to them from your heart by expressing in your mind/heart, "I BEHOLD YOU WITH EYES OF LOVE AND GLORY IN YOUR PERFECTION." This is a very powerful healing vibration for both parties involved. You CAN make the difference.
This
article is excerpted from:
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
by Karol K. Truman.
Reprinted with permission.
About The
Author
KAROL KUHN TRUMAN is a practicing therapist, instructor, and counselor who specializes in reaching "core" issues and resolving them painlessly. For more information on her work, visit her website http://www.healingfeelings.com.
