Fear and Relationships

by Dr. Paula Sunray

Fear keeps us from leading meaningful lives
and having meaningful relationships.

Inner Dragons

Our inner dragons of fear can keep us from having meaningful relationships. These fears can make us run from love and intimacy and hide from the very things we say we most want. Fear and relationship do not belong together.

Fear patterns begin early in life and affect every relationship we have. José Stevens, in his book Transforming Your Dragons, discusses these very fear patterns.

The fearful person moves away from her core self, living life in numbness. She lets other people dictate her life roles, and she carries great despair in the center of her being. She is only half-alive.

Neurotic Fears

Neurotic fears wreak havoc in a relationship. A person who feels unworthy and unlovable will not make a good mate. A doormat person may say they love you, but it is just a sign of the need for approval and affection.

Fear of Agression

The type of person who has the fear pattern of aggression does not trust people and protects himself by attacking first, before others can attack him. This type of person can lead a lonely life.

When you are detached and aloof because of your vulnerability and fear of getting hurt, you can feel pretty lonely. You also distance relationships when you judge and criticize others.

Passivity

Another fear pattern is when you are passive in a relationship. You never have to make a decision or take action. This is the pattern of low self-esteem.

Impatience

Another type of inner fear pattern makes you act impatiently and intolerantly with others. In this way, you will quickly alienate and irritate other people.

Victim Pattern

Still another pattern, which we call the "victim", will blame you for everything and name you as the abuser. They will not take responsibility for their own actions, and they do not make good partners.

Always Needing More

The kind of person who can never get enough, which is another fear dragon, will demand a lot in a relationship but give very little. And still another type, the person who fears control and abandonment, will be controlling themselves and will often have strong addictions.

Stubborness

The last type of fear pattern belongs to the person who hates authority and is rebellious and stubborn as a result. This stubbornness is difficult to deal with in a relationship.

All of us have some of these fears, so it is easy to see why relationships can be so difficult. It is fear that keeps us from leading meaningful and fulfilling lives, so the main work in our lives is confronting these fears and releasing and healing them.

Articles by José Stevens (mentioned in this article).

This article was excerpted from:

Life Skills for the New Millennium
by Dr. Paula Sunray.

Reprinted with permission  of the publisher. Published by MDJ Inc./Petals of Life, www.petalsoflife.com. For more information on Dr. Sunray's programs, email This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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About The Author

Dr. Paula Sunray is director of the Sunray Healing Haven and National Interfaith Seminary in St. Paul, Minnesota, where she trains and teaches healers, ministers, counselors, and spiritual students in addition to maintaining her own private practice. Dr. Sunray is a leading expert in the field of mind-body-spirit transformation and is a frequent lecturer, workshop leader, educator, and inspirer to many.