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Swami's Swing State Swing
by Swami Beyondananda
 It?s
no secret. Bush-bashing has become the rage. And judging by the New Yorkers?
rage at the Republican convention, Americans are becoming less bashful about
bashing Bush. But now political scientists are telling us that Bush-bashing --
or any other kind of bashing for that matter -- can cause a lot of wear and tear
on the body politic.
Now here comes political guru and uncommontator Swami Beyondananda determined
to "put an end to Bush-bashing once and for all."
The Swami, who is the author of Swami for Precedent: A 7-Step Plan to Heal
the Body Politic and Cure Electile Dysfunction, and founder of the
Right-to-Laugh Party, believes the best way to end Bush-bashing is to get right
to the source -- President Bush himself. "If there is no Bush to bash," Swami
reasons, "there will be no more Bush bashing."
Consequently, Swami has launched a two-step program to do just that:
- Step One. De-elect the misleader.
- Step Two. Become the leaders we?ve been missing.
We caught up with Swami just as he was ready to embark on his "swing state
swing" as part of his campaign for a new "precedent."
Natural Enquirer: So you?re touring the swing states?
Swami: Yes, and I?m going one better. I?m not just touring the swing
states. I?m visiting the polka states as well. I mean, why leave out
Pennsylvania? Or Ohio?
Natural Enquirer: And you?re campaigning for a new "precedent?"
Swami: Yes, because if we the people choose a new precedent, a new
President will surely follow. So here is a precedent we can all vote for:
Government of the people, by the people, for the people where the government
does our bidding, not the bidding of the highest bidder.
Natural Enquirer: OK, but what does this have to do with putting an end to
Bush-bashing?
Swami: Well, let?s face it. George Bush has become an enlightening rod to
awaken millions of Americans concerned with holistic issues, who have
realized ? if can I be blunt here ? that it?s hard to live a holistic life
in an assaholistic system. President Bush has indeed been the great uniter,
with 75% of the world?s population now united against him.
Here in this country many, many people have declared they will no longer
stand for George Bush de-constituting the Constitution while his Banana
Republicans turn this country into a banana republic. Which explains all the
Bush-bashing. But along with taking a stand on what we won?t stand
for, we must stand up for what we do stand for. As I?ve said before, we need
more forums and fewer againstums. So it?s time to stop beating around the
Bush, and ask ourselves that all-important question, what great things would
we be doing if there were no Bush to bash?
Natural Enquirer: Are you campaigning for a specific candidate?
Swami: Well, part of choosing a new precedent is electing ourselves. Hey,
George Bush did it, so why not us? I don?t know how many physics majors are
reading this, but take Isaac Newton?s word for it. In order to change
direction, you must first stop the momentum going in the direction you don?t
want to go. So we must elect ourselves to stop the current misleadership
taking us fool speed ahead the wrong way down the wrong road. And that is
why the Right to Laugh Party is throwing its weight behind John Kerry this
year. Of course, it?s not much weight. Because we tend to gravitate toward
levity, we?re definitely lightweights. But maybe it takes comedy for people
to see there?s something funny going on.
Natural Enquirer: But still -- do you think the Democrats deserve our
support? Shouldn?t progressives -- as Ralph Nader suggests -- stand together to
teach the Democrats a lesson?
Swami: I think we have to get our lesson plans sequenced right. Remember
Lincoln?s speech about government of the people, by the people, for the
people not perishing from this earth? Well, I?ve got news for you. It?s on
life support. So let?s breathe some life into the body politic by teaching
the Republicans a lesson first.
First things first. Voting for Nader to knock off the Democrats, well it
reminds me of the Aggie joke I heard at Baba Q?s ashram in Texas when I was
working as a sacred cowpoke. An Aggie returns home unexpectedly and finds
his wife in bed with his best friend. The husband pulls out a gun, and puts
it to his own head. The wife and friend burst out laughing, and the husband
says, "What are you laughing at? You?re next!" For some reason, the Aggie
husband reminds me of the Naderites. So, progressives, let?s not shoot
ourselves in the foot this election. And for goodness sakes, let?s not shoot
ourselves in the head!
Natural Enquirer: One more question, Swami. The campaign has gotten
intense recently involving the candidates? military service during the Vietnam
War. What is your take on that?
Swami: Well, if you?re going to fight about anything, what better to
fight about than war? And since we do have a war President, now that victory
has been declared in Iraq, he?s looking for the next logical target. So the
Not-So-Swift-Boat Veterans have launched a pre-emptive strike to torpedo the
Kerry campaign. Military observers see this as a diversionary tactic to
cover up President Bush?s own tracks ? or in his case, lack of tracks.
Because one look at his military record and it becomes clear ? the record
skipped. There is evidence that young George Bush shirked the light duty he
was given to avoid the heavy-duty duty, and we can officially classify him
as "Missing in Inaction."
Natural Enquirer: Well, there are those who would say the President is
serving America now.
Swami: And he is. He is serving America up on a silver platter to the
likes of Halliburton, the energy companies, and the drug companies. On the
other hand, he is definitely not serving those who served ? and who are
currently serving. He?s lowered health benefits for middle-class veterans,
and soldiers in Iraq have to have armor sent from home (that?s "armor," not
"Armour" ? they seem to have been given an abundance of canned meat).
Natural Enquirer: Do you think, with all these attacks back and forth, has
it had any affect on the character issue?
Swami: Here is the character issue in a nutshell. It takes character --
and courage -- to stand up for your country. It takes even more character
and courage to stand up TO your country when your country is wrong. As a
young man, John Kerry did both. George Bush did neither. I think that
characterizes the character conversation pretty well.
? Copyright 2004 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
 RECOMMENDED
BOOK: Swami for Precedent: A 7-Step Plan to Heal the Body Politic and Cure
Electile Dysfunction., ?2004, by Steve Bhaerman.
Info/Order this book at
http://www.wakeuplaughing.com
or by calling the Swami hotline at (800) SWAMI-BE.
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