by Swami Beyondananda
Dear Swami:
You say you are from Oklahoma, and yet on your tapes you speak with an East
Indian accent. I'm curious about this. How is it possible?
Hugh Vern De Wright
Natick, Massachusetts
Dear Hugh:
True, I am from Oklahoma. But as a teenager, I became quite attracted to the
opposite sects. I came from a Methodist family, and I found myself drawn to an
Oklahoma swami who called himself the Yogi From Muskogee (I have since inherited
this title). I first met him when he did a yoga demonstration for my Boy Scout
troop, and taught us how to tie ourselves into twelve different knots. I quickly
embraced the path of the yogi and mastered many advanced techniques, including
levitation. In fact, one of my favorite pranks in high school was to levitate
over the crowd at football games and moon the coach. I was the only kid in the
history of my high school to get suspended for being suspended. My accelerated
path to yogihood hit a dead end, however, when my kundalini exploded in a
crowded department store. No one else was injured, but I was left with a
permanent East Indian accent.
*****
Dear Swami:
How do you feel about same sex marriage?
Dewey Chother
Lafayette, Louisiana
Dear Dewey:
I think same sex marriages are very damaging to our social fabric. I mean,
think about it. Imagine all these married couples having the same sex all the
time. Week in and week out, the same sex over and over. Now you know that is
bound to get boring, and couples are more likely to go out looking for
extra-marital sex. Before you know it, the marriage breaks apart. This search
for different sex is the second leading cause of divorce (marriage being the
first). So I say the most lasting marriages are different sex marriages ?
different sex, same partner.
*****
Dear Swami:
We've all been told that God created the world in seven days, and I'm
wondering if He's done anything since then. Nietsche proclaimed that God is
dead, and I would hate to have to believe that. Can you enlighten us, Swami?
Malik E. Fawcett
Hamtramck, Michigan
Dear Malik:
The FUNdamentalist scriptures tell us that on the Eighth Day, God saw that
the world was funny and created laughter. He's been enjoying the show ever
since. And He figured since we were humoring Him, He would humor us. So He gave
us the gift of laughter so that we could see the world from His perspective.
Because to God, it's all a joke. What does He care? Does God have to get up
every morning and go to work? No, His work is done. He's only worked one week in
the entire history of existence! Those people who insist God is dead, they are
wrong. He's retired. He turned the whole business over to His Son about 2,000
years ago. And if I'm not mistaken, that means we own a share.
Being retired, the Creator sits around and watches us on Funniest Home Videos
all day. And because we FUNdamentalists value His gift of laughter so much, we
want to humor Him just as He has humored us. That is why the devout
FUNdamentalist stops all other activities to play several times a day. This
devotional state of playing to God ? we call it "plair" ? means surrendering to
the Farce and offering oneself up as entertainment. Plair is not a purely
altruistic activity, however. There's an old saying that idle hands do the
devil's work, and God is no exception. Being retired and all that with lots of
time on His hands, He has little else to do but think up practical jokes all
day. FUNdamentalists believe that God is less likely to impose His brand of
amusement on those busy amusing themselves. It is during these moments of
fervently playing that FUNdamentalists have been able to feel the levitational
pull to counteract all of the gravity in life, and been able to see things from
the Creator's recliner right in front of that big screen TV ? and clearly hear
the laugh track.
