Making New Connections
by Brenda Crawford-Clark
Whatever you do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.
-- Johann von Goethe
Would you like to start a bonfire and load it with every low-fat, no-carb,
nothing-that-tastes-good diet that you have ever tried and then ignite it with
all the empty promises to end your weight problems? Go ahead. You don't need
them anymore.
Consider this: 167 million men and women in the United States are on a diet
at any given moment. If that many people are trying a solution and it doesn't
work, something's wrong with the so-called solution. Contrary to what proponents
of expensive diet regimens say, these diets can't work long term, no matter how
much willpower you have. Why? Because they are missing essential connections.
Even scientists researching weight loss medication acknowledge they will never
be able to guarantee the same results with human beings as with animals because
the factor of emotions always comes into play.
Your solution, therefore, doesn't lie in the next magic pill or diet, but in
your attaining a balance between weight and emotions.
You can attain this balance, but first you'll have to challenge the beliefs
you've held about weight loss. Challenging such deeply held beliefs may not be
easy. These beliefs have been reinforced by a multi-million dollar diet industry
that bases its success on your failure. By convincing you that your past dieting
efforts haven't worked because you either haven't tried their plan or haven't
had the willpower to remain on it, you've been positioned for the next buy. Yet
look around. How many people do you know who have started these plans and
sustained long-term weight loss? Probably not too many. Most gain back all their
weight within six months to a year.
You can't stop weight concerns with a diet and a simple dose of willpower any
more than willpower alone would mend a broken leg. The advertisements make you
think that almost everyone is successful, and set you up to feel isolated if you
are not. But the majority of people are just like you. You need only to look
around at the grocery store as you peruse the frozen food aisle, or look at
others in any weight-loss program. You're connected to these others who struggle
with their weight in ways you may never have imagined. Similarities go far
beyond your concern about appearance.
Your challenge today is to put aside old beliefs and look at weight issues
differently. Instead of assuming something is wrong with you, assume you have
not had a complete package of information.
Connecting to the Source of It All
Your weight can be anchored to situations that you thought that you had dealt
with. While you may have moved beyond them because of your own inner strengths,
determination, and tendency to put the needs of others before your own,
lingering emotions can remain repressed and make you vulnerable to their
eruption later. And at that later time, you unfortunately have no connection to
when or why they first occurred and are, therefore, less able to do anything
about them. That's the scenario that pulls you back to food, no matter how
determined you are to stick to a new diet.
Weight problems have a starting place, and going back to that place can help
you end them. Often the seeds for weight problems are planted in childhood and
grow gradually over the years. These can arise from misperceptions. You may have
grown up feeling that you never met your parents' expectations or that you were
smothered by their absorption and control in your life, however well
intentioned. As one young woman described her relationship, "I didn't know where
my mother ended and I began." Or, you may have suffered at the other end of that
spectrum, in a home where parents were either absent because of divorce or work,
or were physically present but emotionally unavailable.
If you came from an alcoholic or abusive home, your risk of having weight
problems is higher because, in emotionally chaotic homes, there may be a strong
tendency to mask problems and not own feelings. Eating or not eating could help
you distance yourself from the hurt. Growing up, you may have been expected to
assume adult roles. You may never have had the chance to be a child. You may
have been "the man of the house" or even a surrogate spouse or parent. If you
were a child expected to perform in an adult world, you skipped important
developmental stages. Typically, children do not function well when they attempt
to fill an adult role, and they can suffer emotional harm that follows them into
adulthood.
Society can create stress and loss if you were a child who initially was even
only a little overweight. Children often ridicule and ostracize the overweight
child. Parents, attempting to protect the child, may exert a lot of pressure to
lose weight. It does not matter if you are 102 pounds overweight or one. Feeling
pressured about weight distorts how you look at your body, setting you up to
feel insecure and unhappy.
Sharing Strengths and Hope
Lucy, a successful career woman, began turning to food to fill the gaping
hole in her heart when her mother died. Though her family attempted to fill the
void, the ten-year-old's life would never be the same. Never again could she
pick up the telephone and call Mom when she needed her, never again listen to
her laughter, play crazy games with her, or confide important secrets.
Relationships in her family also changed. Her father's grief and the stress of
being a single parent took him away. The emptiness and loneliness were immense,
and Lucy tried to fill them with food.
As she grew older, she also turned to people with the same expectation: that
they could take away the loneliness and fill the void left when her mother died.
She fell into a pattern of negative relationships with men who appeared
emotionally available on the surface but who actually had little to give. She
lost herself in jobs that gave her nothing in return, yet she stayed out of a
feeling of loyalty and a drive to try harder. The loyalty gave her a false sense
of closeness, a feeling she had longed for since her mother died.
increasingly relied on food for solace, with no idea that the answer to her
weight problems lay in uncovering their origin. Instead, she tried one diet
after another, unsuccessfully, until she realized she had to take the first step
in shaking the old albatross: challenging her beliefs, the first of ten steps to
freedom.
Ten Steps to Freedom
1. Challenge your old beliefs about yourself, your weight, and problem
solving.
2. Take charge to get your past off your plate.
3. Burn your negative self-talk garbage.
4. Identify your feelings and analyze their purpose; then take appropriate
actions to care for yourself.
5. Learn where to get control -- and when to let it go.
6. Own, and then let go of your losses.
7. Make anger work for you: Identify how your ideas about anger and rage were
shaped by your environment growing up, and learn more effective ways to express
yourself today.
8. Recognize the presence of chemical reactions that affect your weight.
9. Choose a strategic plan of eating that meets your unique needs and
lifestyle.
10. Review your progress, take note of your changes, and celebrate yourself!
This article is excerpted from Body Sense, ?2001,
by Branda Crawford-Clark. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Beyond
Words Publishing.
http://www.beyondword.com
Info/Order this book.
About the Author
Brenda Crawford-Clark was Florida Counselor of the
Year in 1994 and is a nationally board-certified and licensed mental health
counselor. In her private practice of eight years, she specializes in such
issues as weight, family relations, and transitions. She has been a medical
writer for the Tulsa Tribune and contributing editor to Fitness Magazine. Visit
her website:
http://www.forgetaboutdiets.com
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