Pain -- Inward & Outward
by
Lynn Atkinson, Ph.D.
Pain is a
primary emotion. It has several emotional by-products which
may come from it such as anger, jealousy, depression, hatred,
and confusion. The types of emotional by-products we feel
depends on whether we turn our pain inward or outward.
Pain
turned inward
Pain turned
inward breeds depression and self-blame. We take pain into
ourselves making it a part of ourselves. We start believing we
are pain incarnate and bring pain to all we touch. We become
despondent. It is not so much because we do not see meaning in
life; it is more because we simply want the pain stopped yet
seem unable to stop it.
When we make
pain a part of ourselves and sink into depression, we start
living in limits. We look at the world and our environment in
terms of what we cannot do, not what we can do. We clutch our
pain and limits to ourselves not seeming to realize that by
insisting on holding on to our pain and limits, we keep them
truly ours. We cannot be free of our pain unless we allow it
to leave us.
By clinging to
our pain we depower ourselves. We begin to believe we have no
other choice but to feel pain. We argue for our limitations
thereby adopting them and limiting ourselves.
I had a friend
who told the story of how fleas were trained for the flea
circus. According to my friend, fleas loved to jump. Jumping
is a thing that brings more joy to fleas than anything else
they could do. When fleas are captured for the flea circus,
they are placed in jars and the lids are screwed on. When the
fleas jumped in the jars, they would hit their heads on the
lids. They still wanted to jump, for that is what brings them
joy, so they learned to jump just high enough so that they
wouldn't hit their heads. The trainer then comes back and
takes the fleas out of the jars and puts them in the circus.
Even though the fleas now have the whole sky above them, they
still do not jump past their now self-imposed limits. Even
though the fleas are now free, they have made the limits truly
theirs by refusing to go beyond them. These fleas have turned
their pain inward and will not allow themselves to experience
the full joy of jumping because of their fear of being hurt
again.
Pain
turned outward
Pain turned
outward breeds emotions such as hate, anger, and jealousy.
Anger is simply the cry we make when we push pain away from
ourselves. When we turn our pain outward, we look for someone
or something to attach blame to. When we do this we may be
depowering other people.
Often when we
affix blame to another person or become angry with a person,
we become caught up with the idea of obtaining justice. Often
justice is not enough for us, we want revenge. We not only
want to be equal in power to the party we are angry at, we
want to be above them so we can make them pay, make them
suffer, or make sure they never hurt anyone else like they
hurt us. We use techniques that we feel will be successful in
depowering others.
When we use
depowering techniques, we can expect depowering techniques to
be used with us. Depowerment is meant to bring pain. When
people feel pain, they will react out of pain and make
attempts to depower others to gain their power back.
Becoming
involved in depowerment can become a vicious cycle. We are
continually in pain because of the revenge effort of those we
have tried to depower. Because of the continuing pain, we
become more and more intent on easing the pain. Like an animal
caught in a trap, we make efforts to move and get away from
the pain or make stabs at the attacker believing this will
ease or stop the pain. We may end up injuring ourselves worse
than if we had just done nothing.
We continue to
depower bringing depowerment back to ourselves, never seeing
that the very way we deal with our pain is what continues to
bring it to us. By concentrating on depowering techniques when
we are in pain, we fail to make use of other techniques which
would heal the pain. Again, we become so caught up with the
pain that we won't let it go so we can heal. The only way that
pain will heal is by letting it go; giving up that part of us
that wants to continue to feel pain.
There is a
story about the difference between heaven and hell. In both
heaven and hell there is a long banquet table brimming with
food. In both heaven and hell the people have chopsticks three
feet long which must be used to eat the food. In hell the
people keep trying to feed themselves with the chopsticks and
thus they starve. In heaven the people feed each other and
enjoy the feast.
Like the
people in hell, we concentrate on trying to relieve our own
pain. We still need to learn that the way to ease our own
pain, the way to get our needs met, is to be like the people
in heaven. We need to concentrate on easing each other's pain
and allow others to ease our pain.
Pain
and Character
We begin our
lives with a rude shock, for we are spanked into existence.
Perhaps it is from this beginning that we assume pain is good
for us and builds our character.
Pain teaches
us to hurt. When we are hurting, the pain occupies our
complete attention. We are not focusing on learning from our
behavior but on ways to reduce the pain.
Even after the
situation has ended and the pain has gone, we may remember the
pain and resentment we felt rather than our actions at the
time. It is as if the emotion had blocked out everything not
directly connected to it. We talk about being so hurt that all
we could do was think about how to get even.
Pain is used
as an excuse or justification for behavior. If we use pain as
our justification for causing pain, then the only character
pain builds is negative character. Hurt and hatred do not
bring kindness or love.
We
Don't Have to Hurt Anymore
Somehow we
believe that hurting and being hurt are a part of life. We
play games with each other and hurt each other because we feel
we must to survive in this world. We abandon our ethics, never
giving them a chance to see if they work. We limit ourselves
by accepting depowerment as the way life must be.
When you start
to depower and give pain to others, use your ethics, remember
what it was like to feel pain. When people act out of pain and
try to depower you, do not assume they are evil. They are
acting out of pain. They are acting out of frustrated needs
and wants.
Remember, the
way to stop their pain so that they won't have to hurt anymore
(and so you don't have to get hurt) is by finding the key to
meet their needs and set them free from their pain. You may
not be able to do it, but it is worth the try. Freedom from
pain will never be accomplished by depowerment. To break the
power of pain, we must empower.
This
article is excerpted with permission from:
Power
and Empowerment: The Power Principle
by
Lynn Atkinson, Ph.D.
Published by New Falcon
Publications, Tempe, Arizona, USA. http://newfalcon.com
Info/Order
book
About The
Author
Lynn Atkinson has been a
combatant in various struggles for power, observed various struggles for
power, and has thought out and rethought her own personal philosophy in
light of her own experiences.
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